Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pressure to BF

76 replies

ThatsNotMyCherry · 12/08/2020 13:38

I’ve read a lot about mothers and mother in laws pressurising women who bf to bottle feed (I guess because in the 70s women were encouraged to bottle feed). In my case however my mother in law keeps going on about how amazing breastfeeding is and how in my in laws pretty much everyone bf until they babies are around 1 years old or more. My husbands sister is the only one who didn’t and my mother in law is very critical about this. I’m struggling with Bf my 6 week old baby. Started giving top ups from very early due to poor weight gain and now basically top up at every feed (which is a disaster I know!). I fully expect I won’t be able to continue like this for much longer and I dread having to hear her comments which will no doubt make me feel guilty. Has anyone been through this? :(

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/08/2020 14:26

No, I had no pressure from either MIL or DM. MIL wasn't able to breastfed, and felt very shamed and traumatised about it - and a big part of that was how poorly she was treated by nurses when having difficulties breastfeeding her firstborn. My DM didn't pressure me, and part of that was that one of the ways in which she made it clear that she was well pissed off at having been saddled with a fourth child as a result of her very Catholic doctor's refusal to prescribe her the pill and how impossible it was to get an abortion at that time, was that I was the only one of us she didn't breastfeed.

Also, I'm quite 'feisty' as my dear BIL puts it, and people tend to think twice about trying to pressure me to do things, certainly overtly. And that's at the best of times, which I may add, was not when I'd just had a baby, and was struggling to breastfeed it. At that point it would have been though suicidal!

kittenpeak · 12/08/2020 14:28

Are you concerned and going to MN because it's your MIL? Would you feel this way if a friend went on about BF?

Either way, I'd tell her to STFU, better still, get your husband to do it

Jimdandy · 12/08/2020 14:29

No one will ever put pressure on me to do anything with my body I don’t want too.

If you’re sick of breast feeding and want to swap to formula and bottles do it and take no notice of anything anyone says.

If she says anything I’d either let it wash over me or say “yes or must be wonderful” dismissively and take absolutely no notice whatsoever.

notanothertakeaway · 12/08/2020 14:30

6 weeks is a long time. I managed 3 days

It's none of your MIL's concern, but you could tell her that health visitor has recommended bottles to help the baby gain weight. She might back off if she thinks you're following medical advice

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2020 14:33

I would be reminding my husband who his wife is and tell him he had best put his mother in her place. Tell him you don't want to hear one more word about breastfeeding, and if you do, your MIL will no longer be welcome in your home.

She is 100% bullying you and it's totally unacceptable.

sergeilavrov · 12/08/2020 14:41

My MIL had a lot of opinions about choices with our children, including her support for breastfeeding. I didn’t want to do that, and have exclusively bottle fed. My DH told her to back off. It was along the lines of if he even felt silent judgement she wouldn’t be seeing any of us. Your DH needs to have your back, so you can maintain your otherwise good relationship with your MIL. Shockingly, both children are alive and well.

I comforted myself by purchasing a lot of Islamic and Jewish art for our house, which annoys MIL. Beautiful house, smug mum, healthy baby.

HoldMyLobster · 12/08/2020 14:41

@ThatsNotMyCherry

Have any of you had pressure to BF from mothers or mothers in law? Everything I read is about pressure to bottle feed from the older generation
Mine thought breastfeeding was ridiculous and unsafe when I did it.

We were living with her at the time and she'd purse her lips every time I started feeding, then as soon as my baby started crying she'd say it was because I was being so ridiculous and should just give her a bottle.

Then when my SIL breastfed her baby it was all magical and the best thing ever, and my SIL was just the best mother in the world. She'd tell me every time I visited how wonderful it all was.

user1493413286 · 12/08/2020 14:45

I felt the pressure from my mum so I told her that I’d talked about it with health professionals and they’d agreed I should stop. It wasn’t completely truthful but I just wanted to avoid the judgement at a time when I really didn’t need it

Immigrantsong · 12/08/2020 14:48

OP would she help at all? If this is something you are already doing and having some difficulties, why not ask for support from her and your medical team?

With breastfeeding, success often lies on your support network and this may be a good thing to try before deciding if you want to pursue things further or use the bottle.

What aspect of it are you finding difficult? Think of what you need help with and reach out. If you want to of course.

MyCatReallyIsAGit · 12/08/2020 14:54

I was very lucky - my mum breastfed all of us and when we ended up in hospital due to weight loss, she made a point of telling me that I didn’t have to carry on trying to establish breastfeeding if I didn’t want to, and that it would be completely understandable if I wanted to switch to formula. That was helpful and supportive. As it was, I did want to continue and luckily my body responded to my efforts but that isn’t the case for everyone.

Definitely get your DH to put your MIL in her place.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/08/2020 14:57

@Immigrantsong

OP would she help at all? If this is something you are already doing and having some difficulties, why not ask for support from her and your medical team?

With breastfeeding, success often lies on your support network and this may be a good thing to try before deciding if you want to pursue things further or use the bottle.

What aspect of it are you finding difficult? Think of what you need help with and reach out. If you want to of course.

This. If you are struggling with getting breastfeeding established, maybe MIL could offer some constructive help. If she's done it, she will know that it can be difficult to start with, even if eventually she found it easy. It's often do with positioning ( extra cushions to get baby at the right angle) and sufficient rest and fuel for the mother. It may be that you need to spend time building up a supply by breastfeeding 24/7 and doing very little else. She could help with that. If you want to carry on, ask for her support. She does have the interests of your baby at heart.
June628 · 12/08/2020 15:00

OP are you sure she will make comments if you decide to stop? Currently she’s telling you how wonderful it is but you are bf so maybe she wants to praise you for it? It’s not to say if you decide to stop she will say anything negative. It’s really none of her business and I’m sure you know that. She may be more understanding than you think?

cooldarkroom · 12/08/2020 15:03

As an aside, women who breast feed have less breast cancer apparently
(according to my Gynie & radiologist)

porcelinaofthevastoceanss · 12/08/2020 15:08

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Can your DH have a word with her if you feel you might not be able to? I think in any case he should be saying she needs to pipe down. She probably means well but when you’ve got a 6 week old baby to take care of you just don’t need it! Fed is best - in whatever combination you choose.

Pearsapiece · 12/08/2020 15:12

To avoid confrontation, if she makes a comment when you're bottle feeding, just tell her she doesn't know the contents of the bottle and for all she knows it could be expressed breast milk

Original poster
ThatsNotMyCherry · 12/08/2020 15:17

The thing is she says things to me about how wonderful BF is and how bad my SIL was for stopping after a few months in private when DH isn’t around so she will know I’m complaining about her to him (which as I generally have a good relationship with her I want to avoid, but it seems like the only way of going about this).

With BF it’s not the latch, pain etc it’s being unable to build enough supply despite trying. MIL actually tried to help last time around but I had to give up as I had a very difficult baby who made feeding very stressful. I just don’t think I can BF properly and even if I could it’s probably too late at 6 weeks

OP posts:
kittenpeak · 12/08/2020 15:20

Good god OP, some tough love here. Please stop BF it's stressing you out. It will stress baby out too. Fed is best. Don't worry about what she thinks. Out of interest, when you say your SIL struggled and MIL had something to say about it, is that her daughter, or her other DIL?

Don't put anyone's interests above your health and mental well being.

Beautiful3 · 12/08/2020 15:20

I was never under any pressure from anyone to breast feed. I tried and struggled, ended up bottle feeding both. As long as the baby gets fed, it really doesnt matter. My friend was a big advocate of breast is best. Her new born baby ended up losing too much weight due to insufficient breast milk, and went back into hospital. She realised that formula milk definitely has its place. Your husband has to tell his mum to mind her own business.

Immigrantsong · 12/08/2020 15:29

@ThatsNotMyCherry

The thing is she says things to me about how wonderful BF is and how bad my SIL was for stopping after a few months in private when DH isn’t around so she will know I’m complaining about her to him (which as I generally have a good relationship with her I want to avoid, but it seems like the only way of going about this).

With BF it’s not the latch, pain etc it’s being unable to build enough supply despite trying. MIL actually tried to help last time around but I had to give up as I had a very difficult baby who made feeding very stressful. I just don’t think I can BF properly and even if I could it’s probably too late at 6 weeks

OP I want to reassure you re the time frame you seem a bit worried about.

With my first I struggled a lot. She had a tongue tie and bad reflux. I pumped and fed her expressed milk for the first 3 months and only after that she took the breast. I was popping her n through it the first 3 months, but she wasn't latching properly.

I then continued to breather until nearly 3. On the breast from 3 months as I said. So please don't worry re being too late as you say, it isn't.

Have you tried pumping? After a feed? It massively helps with supply.

I really don't want to push you, just wanted to let you know that there are so many ways you can get help and support.

Have you spoken to your lactation specialist? Health visitor? Could you zoom them for more info?

You can always PM me if you need anything. Seriously, build your support network and you can do it. I want to think, that this may be what your mother in law is trying to do, but it may not be coming across as that.

Breastfeeding is hard for the first 8-12 weeks and then becomes a breeze in my experience. If you can and want to, try sticking with it a bit longer, but get support to ensure you know what to do. And I am here too if you need anything.

Littlemissdaredevil · 12/08/2020 15:29

Your husband needs to tell her to STFU.

I’m a mother who bf her first for a year and I’m currently bf my second

ittooshallpass · 12/08/2020 15:30

How frustrating!
My milk never came in... it was upsetting as I'd always wanted to breastfeed. Just tell MIL that your milk supply is low and you're doing boob and bottle to keep baby fed. And if/when milk dries up it'll be bottle all the way!

Couchbettato · 12/08/2020 15:32

I'd ask her whys she's so interested in your breasts frankly.

They're your breasts and you'll do with them as you see fit.

strawberrypip · 12/08/2020 15:35

I had it the other way, MIL and my partner keen to get me to bottle feed as they thought it was unfair that partner wasnt able to bond as much as me Hmm

I completely ignored MIL. at the end of the day, it is your body, your baby and your responsibility. please do what is best for you and your bubba and dont allow anyone to guilt trip you. having a baby is hard enough without all that.

islandislandisland · 12/08/2020 15:39

Yes, my mum has been on at me to breastfeed since second trimester and it's caused us to fall out several times, yet she just will not let it go even though I've told her she's upsetting me. She just keeps on and on about how it's so lovely and natural and you just sit there with your baby for hours feeding and at night you don't even have to get up to feed, sends me articles about the benefits, asks me why I wouldn't want to do what's best for my baby and so on. I'm not hugely keen on BF for personal reasons she doesn't know about, and I can't tell her, and because I think my mental health will go downhill fast if I'm constantly in charge of feeding. When I told her the latter she rolled her eyes. I don't think it's anyone's bloody business how you feed your baby and I don't understand why people feel they can comment or judge. As its your MIL I would get her son to have a word!

mmgirish · 12/08/2020 15:41

I would tell her to mind her business!