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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU on ex still not having kids

90 replies

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 12/08/2020 11:48

Happy to be called out on this as maybe I have lost perspective.

Me and ex have been divorced 5 years since youngest was baby. Ex lives with his parents and he has had kids every other weekend since we broke up.

At the start of lockdown his parents decided they didn't want the kids at the house, It wasn't great, but I accepted it given the situation. Ex is a keyworker has worked from the start which his parents accepted, but yet kids still couldn't go over there. His parents decided they were happy for him to come see kids at my house and take them out by April. This has been the case since then and kids are still not allowed at ex's parents house. I have stayed at my own parents recently a couple of times whilst he's had the kids at my house overnight as I've been so desperate for a bit of a break, but it's not something I really want to be doing.

I spoke with ex and asked him if he would look at moving out for the children and apparently it's not an option (he earns a decent wage, but not huge), I believe he likes an easy life of being looked after by his mother. His parents have said they won't have kids until at least December due to covid, but I believe it's an excuse as they are not hands on grandparents.

I honestly don't know what i'm suppose to do until then, as my life is on hold and I don't want my ex coming over so he can see the kids all the time. If I say he can't see the kids the kids lose out and I get no break at all.

OP posts:

TheABC · 14/08/2020 11:54

My guess is that your ex is still gambling and simply does not have the funds to move out. Does he pay rent to his parents at all?

I agree with your plan. Up the CMS, tell him the house is no longer available and it's up to him to facilitate contact.

How is not your problem.

Melabela10 · 14/08/2020 11:57

Its his problem to solve, not yours and not the one for his parents

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 11:59

@TheABC He pays rent, but I have no idea how much and was always happy to have bragged in the past how much money he's saving living there towards his house deposit. He doesn't want to move out and rent as it screws up his plan. Looking back I have been a bit of a mug and let him take advantage.

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 14/08/2020 12:00

It's really fucking depressing having to spoon feed these useless, attached at the tit, men. They are HIS responsibility. He needs to be responsible for childcare on the days he is supposed to have them, if that can't be at his parents house then he needs to figure this out. If not, invoice him for your childcare services. At the very least adjust your CMS claims

This belongs on a bloody t-shirt and to be chiselled in stone.

Men are not "helping" with childcare they are bloody parents. Many do step up and parent which does rather prove it's not the magical existence of testicles which renders so many incapable.

Welikebeingcosy · 14/08/2020 12:05

Yeah don't even entertain his problems. As long as you are a good mum to your kids that's all that matters and you have no control over what bonus family they have from the other side. If you need a break, try summer schools, cheap camps, overnight stays with your relatives and friends or even a babysitter. But don't waste your energy on his accommodation issues. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and if everyone else can see the solution and he can't, then he just doesn't want to and likes the easy route for himself. Don't worry about if they will miss out on dad or not, because that's not your weight to bear. My dad was homeless in a bnb with no income when my parents split and he still managed to find ways to take us out every weekend and spent all his money on being able to spend time with us- just like I bet you spend all your money on your children. If the man wants it, he will do everything he can to make it happen. Don't be trying to put all your energy into making him do the right thing and don't keep trying different tactics to make him shift. Okay if he really doesn't want to spend money on a hotel and they do want to see him, let him take them out 8 until 8 or something Saturday and Sunday with a Friday evening out too and then you do the bedtime and at least you still get your break.

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 12:11

I'm going to message him to say-

As from September it is no longer an option for you to care for the children at my house. I understand and respect your parents concerns with having the children at their house and don't want them to feel they are being forced to have them. The options going forwards are for you to either have the children every other weekend as before and find alternative accommodation for overnight stays or to have them during the day, if every other weekend isn't feasible then please discuss with me. Please let me know your plans and we will work out visitation and put it in both our diaries, so it works for us all.

OP posts:

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 12:15

@Welikebeingcosy you're so right, if he wants to he will find the time. summer hols have been harder than usual for me as i'm working 5 days a week, no local holiday club like usual this year and both my parents still work. I was only given a few days notice that I had to return back to the office and was in a hurry to sort out some childcare, which I just about managed with him having to come to mine two days a week. Luckily I am now sorted until January with half terms.

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 14/08/2020 12:17

My guess is his parents don't want the kids there.

Fair enough I suppose but HIS problem to solve.

You can't really force him to do anything. But you absolutely should be contacting the CMS. He owes you more money.

What an absolute fuck head.

I know a man who had to leave the UK for work for a year. He flew back every single weekend and stayed with his kids in a hotel.

tribpot · 14/08/2020 12:30

In your message to him I would not tell him what the options are, that's for him to sort out. I would say you're happy for them to stay with him overnight or for him to take them out during the days, whichever he prefers.

I assume his parents are using Covid as an excuse but it's up to them who they have in their house.

RantyAnty · 14/08/2020 12:41

You're doing the right thing putting a stop to it.
Notice the only person not inconvenienced in this is him.

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 12:49

OP, ah, OK, thank you for the reply. That makes sense.

SoloMummy · 14/08/2020 12:49

@YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea
He's not obligated to have the children overnight. He's having contact, so they're not losing out.
This is about you. Whereas the children should be the focus.
If he's not having overnights, you're receiving more child maintenence - well should be.
Yes, he could book in advance cheap travelodges etc. But do you really think that's in your children's s best interests?
His parents aren't unreasonable. He isn't being unreasonable either. Though I'd have thought he may want some such contact.
Maybe the better way is to encourage him to maybe plan a weekend away somewhere cheap for half term.

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 13:00

@SoloMummy It's not about me and they are his children too and his responsibility. If for whatever reason my house had an issue with flooding would it be unreasonable for me to stay in a hotel with my children for a week, of course it wouldn't. Plenty of children live in B&b's due to housing shortages and shortages of emergency accommodation, it's not great, but it's a reality. It's one night and In my message to him I haven't said he has to have them over night, but its an option and his choice. Sleeping in a hotel over night isn't going to destroy there child development at 5 and 10 years old. What a ridiculous statement.

OP posts:

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 13:06

Please ignore 'What a ridiculous statement.' I was reading something else and got my lines crossed

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 14/08/2020 13:32

He isn't being unreasonable either. Though I'd have thought he may want some such contact

They are his responsibility, not just toys for him to pick up as its convenient to him.
He chooses to live somewhere the kids can't visit because its cheap and easy, its his job to accommodate them somewhere else when they visit.

Pebblexox · 14/08/2020 13:35

I agree that yanbu. However given its his parents house there's not much you can do.
He needs to sort this so he can see his children.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 14/08/2020 13:41

I agree with everyone, it’s not the parents who are u it’s him!

He needs to sort out to be able to have them overnight and not at your house!

I also agree I hope he’s paying more maintenance.

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 13:51

I just had a reply from him that said it was a shame that I can no longer let him have the kids at my house anymore and there is no way he will be moving out or staying in hotels with the children. He said he would let me know when he wanted to take them out for a couple of hours in due course. CMS have been contacted.

OP posts:

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 14/08/2020 13:53

@YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea

He CBA'd to parent his own kids is the upshot of it. Him and what's easiest for him is the priority. What a twat excuse for a father. Glad you contacted CMS.

Eloisedublin123 · 14/08/2020 13:56

I feel for you OP what a loser he is

C8H10N4O2 · 14/08/2020 13:57

He said he would let me know when he wanted to take them out for a couple of hours in due course

Those are the words of someone who sees parenting as an optional hobby, not a responsibilty.

Original poster

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 14/08/2020 14:03

I've had another message saying I am selfish to stop him seeing his kids and that by going to CMS (He has paid me an agreed amount before not through CMS) I would stop him saving as much to get a house, so the kids wouldn't have proper contact for longer. He won't be having the kids any longer at my house. Luckily it's only two days a week, so I'll just have to ask work if I can WFH those days. I have told a close friend what's been going on and she offered to help in summer hols if I was stuck. He's really shown his true colours and probably why I pandered to him through this as I know he can be like this. It's my own fault as I shouldn't have let this happen from the start, I was just desperate for a break in lockdown and felt my mental health suffering.

OP posts:

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 14:06

Seems hitting him in his wallet is the only issue he has op.
Now save the extra cash and have a trip away with the dc when it is safe.
He has chosen an easy life with his dps over his relationship with the dc. Not your responsibility to manage or maintain their relationship. Purely up to him.

AskingforaBaskin · 14/08/2020 14:08

@Strictly1

It's his parents house so up to them. You may not agree but that's irrelevant. Interesting that you're willing to accommodate it whilst it works for you over the summer because you're back at work but come September it'll need to change. It is rubbish and I wouldn't want to move out and wouldn't. I would get him to take them for days out as others have suggested. I don't think it is up to you to tell him to move out but nor should it be up to you to solve the problem. It's his problem - let him sort it.

Why the hell should a man who chose to create children get to just shrug his shoulders and say he will only parent his children during the day time sometimes.

He has done OP zero favours. They are his children. She doesn't have to be grateful for anything. Him and his parents are not her problem. She's put up with enough of his shit. She has every right to demand he steps up.

Wether or not he does is another matter. She can't help that he's a scumbag.

mamas12 · 14/08/2020 14:08

Don’t let him push this onto you it is up to him to patent his own children
Can you let his parents know your side? Would that help or invite more abuse? The more people know the truth better

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