AIBU on ex still not having kids

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

Happy to be called out on this as maybe I have lost perspective.

Me and ex have been divorced 5 years since youngest was baby. Ex lives with his parents and he has had kids every other weekend since we broke up.

At the start of lockdown his parents decided they didn't want the kids at the house, It wasn't great, but I accepted it given the situation. Ex is a keyworker has worked from the start which his parents accepted, but yet kids still couldn't go over there. His parents decided they were happy for him to come see kids at my house and take them out by April. This has been the case since then and kids are still not allowed at ex's parents house. I have stayed at my own parents recently a couple of times whilst he's had the kids at my house overnight as I've been so desperate for a bit of a break, but it's not something I really want to be doing.

I spoke with ex and asked him if he would look at moving out for the children and apparently it's not an option (he earns a decent wage, but not huge), I believe he likes an easy life of being looked after by his mother. His parents have said they won't have kids until at least December due to covid, but I believe it's an excuse as they are not hands on grandparents.

I honestly don't know what i'm suppose to do until then, as my life is on hold and I don't want my ex coming over so he can see the kids all the time. If I say he can't see the kids the kids lose out and I get no break at all.

[ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore]

Please contact CMS and say you've been having the children 100% of the time.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

It's up to his parents if they don't want the DCs in the house, but your lazy ex needs to step-up, get out and find somewhere to live where he is able to meet his responsibilities.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@Strictly1 I've accommodated him since March, so yes I can pull the plug after the summer holidays. It's hardly like he's been doing me any favours in this time except have his kids two days a week over the summer holidays in my house.

[DancyNancy]

I think you are being unreasonable expecting the grandparents to bend.
But not being unreasonable expecting dad to sort something out.
I agree with other posters on cheap hotel rooms as an option. Sure the kids would probably love that.
Maybe do that one weekend a month.
Then another weekend a month let him stay with kids while you visit your parents.

The reality at the moment is Cov 19 has made being a working parent a shit show. School, childcare.. grandparents who help, it's all been thrown up in the air.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

from what I've been told he keeps the kids in his room most of the time or takes them out. I will look into contacting cms. He will have to either take them to a hotel, or just days out. I've done my bit accommodating and I now need my house back. I could see this carrying on for years otherwise as I think it actually suits him.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

The reality is he has several options open to him and is choosing the one that makes the OPs life hardest. Not surprised he is an ex.

Op if you need him for the summer keep it going them tell can he no longer has the children overnight and get his maintenance payments adjusted. He can still have them for the day if he can be arsed.

[FannieMae84]

you're focusing on the wrong thing here.

his parents get to say who and why they're letting into your home.

and clearly that conflicts with your ex's ability to parent on "his" time.

but that's not your problem to solve. that's your ex's problem.

keep his parents out of it - not your circus, not your monkeys.

your ex needs to sort out his parenting setup properly, not use his parents then yours as a convenient option. he doesn't get to dictate that.

it's a bizarre set up, you having him at yours in order to facilitate his access to his own kids... it's not normal or reasonable, and you should definitely get CMS adjusted to reflect the new norm during covid UNTIL he sorts himself out like a proper adult.

(if he pushes back with e.g. can't afford it.. look, it's still not your problem! he needs to sort himself out.)

[Barbie222]

I'd look to have them 100% and increase CMS claim accordingly, and then look out for childcare or adjust hours. It sounds like they've been unwelcome for a while and they would be enough for me to take them full time. He could make adjustments, but he'd rather not bother with his kids then put himself out.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@DancyNancy i'm not expecting them to bend I just think they are making excuses and need to be upfront with their son that its not working for them anymore so he can make a decision on what he wants to do, by either renting or paying for hotels to see his kids. They've never been hands on grandparents and that's fine by me, as I have parents who are. I think his parents constantly changing the goal post of when he can have the kids there is given him false hope, when in reality they just don't want them there. I appreciate covid has been rubbish and working from home with children has been a nightmare on my own, but everyone was in the same boat. I just can't keep accommodating him and he will just have to figure it out.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@FannieMae84 you've hit the nail on the head. It's not my problem to sort anymore, I did my bit. If I knew how long this would have gone on for I wouldn't have in hindsight.

I've already sorted out childcare for the rest of the year and won't need his help, but he will of course still be offered to take them out if he wishes, just not using my home as a base.

[RobynNora]

I feel sorry for you and the kids and I feel sorry for his parents. It sounds like he needs to find a better arrangement.

From their perspective, I imagine it's irritating enough having a grown man living in their house and encroaching on their space. I imagine they don't know how to say no. Not to mention that their health concerns may well be completely valid rather than an excuse. I know plenty of people who are still highly anxious about Covid, and it's not fair to pressurise people into making decisions with which they feel uncomfortable (I don't think you're doing this at all btw). I love small kids but, as a medically vulnerable person, I feel really anxious around them at the moment as little 'uns put their fingers everywhere and that's the most normal thing in the world. The parents sound like incredibly generous people in letting a grown son stay indefinitely and it sounds like he could be taking advantage.

[DancyNancy]

Oh I understand girly. That's what I mean by you're not being unreasonable to expect him to step up.
I hope something will resolve soon for you. I can only imagine how burnt out you are by now after no break all summer.

[TheyWentToSeaInASieve]

How can staying in one room with Dad, whether at parents or cheap hotel, be good for your kids’ development? I appreciate you need some sanity and space, but maybe you need re-evaluate the whole situation? Neither your ex nor his parents want the kids. Why send them where they are not wanted? Are you able to book some help so you can have a breather? The other side of the family seems unreliable...

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@TheyWentToSeaInASieve It's not ideal, but the kids still want to see him and are always happy to have seen him. He will still take them out for walks etc. I have no concerns with his ability to parent the children and if the kids are bored they will soon tell him they want to go out. Things are opening up again so he could take them to a soft play, a walk, a theme park, a park, a picnic, a meal etc. It's not like he has to stay in a hotel room for 24 hours just like he doesn't when he had them at his parents house before covid. I am happy for him to do this only once a month if that's all he can realistically afford. I just want him to see the kids as it's what benefits the kids, I'm just not accommodating him in my own home anymore. He needs to take charge of his own life and figure it out, it's not like i'm stopping him seeing the kids and he can always take them out even if it's just an hour walk to the local park or for a drive through.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@TheyWentToSeaInASieve If he doesn't want the kids the he can stop contact, that's his choice, i'm not forcing him.

[JoeCalFuckingZaghe]

It's really fucking depressing having to spoon feed these useless, attached at the tit, men. They are HIS responsibility. He needs to be responsible for childcare on the days he is supposed to have them, if that can't be at his parents house then he needs to figure this out. If not, invoice him for your childcare services. At the very least adjust your CMS claims.

[lazarusb]

Definitely change the cms claim and if you have a court order, maybe broach the subject that he might be in breach now that lockdown has relaxed (this is a very long shot and not workable in law but might give pause for thought). The children have a right to see him and he has a responsibility to them during contact times. If his parents don't want the children in the house, he needs to find alternatives that don't depend on you bending to his whim anymore.

[InDeoEstMeaFiducia]

YANBU, but there's little you can do about it if your ex won't step up other than hopefully increase your maintenance. No wonder he's an ex. Bet he does FA with the kids when he has them despite what he says and they're tired of entertaining the kids, but then, they enable him by allowing him to loaf at their house. What a specimen he is!

[Thingybobbyboo]

YANBU. I completely understand your dilemma though. I can see that if you ‘help’ your ex you get a much needed break but if you do as many posters suggest and tell him he can’t come to your house you are potentially not going to, and the kids won’t see their dad. The ex might then say it’s your fault he can’t see them. Which it wouldn’t be. It’s a crap situation, he should act like a proper parent and sort out a way to see his kids. You can’t make that happen but you need to take control of your own home.

I think to avoid this going on forever, stop the ‘helping’ him. Ask your friends/family/use childcare to get a break. Always go to CMS when he should be paying more due to lack of contact. He might grow up and sort it out, or not. But you’ll be more empowered the less you need him for a break and his choices are his responsibility.

[iwantmyownicecreamvan]

Maybe they are also hoping that if they keep on refusing to have the kids he will move out.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@Thingybobbyboo you're so right. I feel the covid thing and not thinking it would go on as long as this has made me do this when normally I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I'm usually so good with my boundaries with him.

[julybaby32]

Was him living in his parents home taken into account when assets were split in the divorce? In that case, if he has to pay for his own place to have somewhere he can have the children to stay, this may make a difference to how much you get - it might be worth checking this out first.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@julybaby32 there was nothing to be split in the divorce as he gambled and I was always the higher earner. I earn a decent wage, have a house and he pays me child maintenance, but I could manage without it. divorce was a case of singing the papers and splitting any joint debt we had.

[RB68]

I think time to ramp the anti up and get onto CSA to bump the money up because he no longer has overnight access, stop pandering to him to give him contact, at the moment he is getting the pleasure of contact on whatever terms he likes and you are getting the shitty end of the stick as he does what he pleases. Until there is a reason to facilitate contact (ie otherwise his money contribution gets increased and all contact ceases) it is not appropriate to have contact at yours he needs to sort things out you need to provide the stick if the carrot (contact with his kids) is not working

[dontdisturbmenow]

His parents sound like arseholes
That's an outrageous comment. Its their house and they owe OP nothing at all. They are likely vulnerable and whereas they can trust that their son will shower and wash his clothes when coming home, it's understandable they wouldn't feel that same security with young children.

I think the suggestion of a hotel room once a month is a very reasonable compromise.