AIBU on ex still not having kids

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

Happy to be called out on this as maybe I have lost perspective.

Me and ex have been divorced 5 years since youngest was baby. Ex lives with his parents and he has had kids every other weekend since we broke up.

At the start of lockdown his parents decided they didn't want the kids at the house, It wasn't great, but I accepted it given the situation. Ex is a keyworker has worked from the start which his parents accepted, but yet kids still couldn't go over there. His parents decided they were happy for him to come see kids at my house and take them out by April. This has been the case since then and kids are still not allowed at ex's parents house. I have stayed at my own parents recently a couple of times whilst he's had the kids at my house overnight as I've been so desperate for a bit of a break, but it's not something I really want to be doing.

I spoke with ex and asked him if he would look at moving out for the children and apparently it's not an option (he earns a decent wage, but not huge), I believe he likes an easy life of being looked after by his mother. His parents have said they won't have kids until at least December due to covid, but I believe it's an excuse as they are not hands on grandparents.

I honestly don't know what i'm suppose to do until then, as my life is on hold and I don't want my ex coming over so he can see the kids all the time. If I say he can't see the kids the kids lose out and I get no break at all.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@SimonJT no his parents wouldn't look after the kids for him. They are not hands on.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

My parents do help out on occasion and will have overnight if I need to, but they do also have their own social life. Overnights from him helped me have some time to myself to go and see friends or shock horror actually have a date with my boyfriend. I think it's only fair that he does have some overnights with his children and take some responsibility, but I can't force it. I have ever right to be a little selfish and want that for myself and to have a proper break seeming as I do everything else on my own for twelve days in a row. He's 40 now and needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his two children he chose to have with me, but I'll suck it up and look after the kids because that's my responsibility and I won't force them to stay with their father and there is bugger all I can do about it anyway. Hopefully he eventually steps up.

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

No overnights is allowing him to reap the good bits of having dc without the actual responsibility....

[SimonJT]

Is he using his parents as childcare on his weekends?

If his parents don’t want to children round, as much as thats a bit crappy as a grandparent they can decide not to see the children. But it isn’t an excuse for him to not parent his children, on his usual nighta he needs to book a hotel/bnb/airbnb.

[fishonabicycle]

Well, your exes parents obviously don't want the kids there which is their call (although being worried about covid is obviously bollocks as your ex still sees them). The problem is that your ex is not taking responsibility for his children and it is very difficult for you to enforce that.

[Hayyancairo2]

@Zaphodsotherhead

My parents used to allow my DB to take his kids there when he had his weekends with them. He would never clear up after them, they'd wreck the house, stop everyone sleeping, make an awful mess, eat all the food - not saying that yours are like this, OP, but do you think the GPs may have seized on Covid as a great reason to stop their son bringing the kids back, leaving them to do childcare while he dosses about, and then leave them with the clearing up?

This sounds plausible. It def matches his lack of action regarding sorting something long term.

[SoloMummy]

Overnight contact is not quality contact. Day time contact Is quality contact . So I don't think that him having overnight contact is the issue others are making it out to be.
At the end of the day, op is the pcg. As such she is paid maintenance for this and gets 2 full days to herself a fortnight. That's really not the end of the world. He is not obligated to have overnights and having overnights for the benefit of the mother is not a prerequisite of being a "good" and father.
If she wishes to go out etc, then do what other parents do and get a sitter.
As she's been to her parents to sleep, why of she so needs a break from her children not ask if they can sleep over?
Many nrps want overnights, often because it reduces maintenance payments, which isn't in the bets interests of the children either.
As I said before, why not suggest he takes them away for a weekend holiday in half term?

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Good for you op.

His finances are none of your business, so it's up to him if he wants to pay out for a hotel or not, or save up for a house. My ex would use excuses like this and I remember commenting on him going on holiday, he told me his finances were none of my business. So when I contacted cms and he said why did I do it, and he couldn't afford it, I simply reminded him that his finances were none of my business .

I also found my life became less stressful when I didn't try to rely on him. He now has the kids when he can be arsed, and I let him only if it's not inconvenient to me or the dc. The problem he has now is that they have various clubs etc so he has to fit in, and around them. He'd not have had this issue if he'd stepped up initially.

[Pumpertrumper]

This is the problem with grown adults living with their parents, specifically those with their own kids.

(Before anyone jumps in with ‘house prices make it impossible’ I think prioritisation is the main problem with most of my age group - mid/late twenties)

His parents do no have to have anyone in their home they don’t feel comfortable with (yes even GC) but he, as a father should not be living anywhere that won’t accept his children!

The responsibility is with your EX to find alternative accommodation.

[AskingforaBaskin]

@2bazookas

Stop enabling his parents choice. That's not your problem.

Tell Ex he will have to make some other arrangement for his time with the kids.

This is easy to say.
But you can't make a father parent when they don't want to.
Short of driving to him, throwing the kids out and running away Op is actually a bit stuffed.

[2bazookas]

Stop enabling his parents choice. That's not your problem.

Tell Ex he will have to make some other arrangement for his time with the kids.

[FannieMae84]

Soo... he's saying it's your fault that he hasn't sorted out suitable visitation accommodation for them, on his time?! and you're stopping him seeing the children??

OP i'd personally focus on coming up with a single, repeated line so it really hammers home - do not get drawn into defending your position here, what he's asking is so far beyond reasonable it's a joke.

Him: "you're stopping me saving for a place for the kids"
You: "You need to provide somewhere suitable to live during the time they're with you. Solving that problem is your problem as an adult and their dad. Not mine."
Him: "you're stopping me from having them overnight!"
You: "You need to provide somewhere suitable to live during the time they're with you. Solving that problem is your problem as an adult and their dad. Not mine."
Him: "you're so selfish"
You: "You need to provide somewhere suitable to live during the time they're with you. Solving that problem is your problem as an adult and their dad. Not mine."

.. rinse and repeat. i'd save it as a text snippet on your phone!

[AteAllTheAfterEights]

You e done the right thing, stick to your guns

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

@mamas12 his mother was very rude to me when we broke up, so I don't have any contact with her and wouldn't want to either. As far as she's concerned he can't do any wrong. He's always the victim. I'm not going to argue with him as I just don't see the point. The kids are happy with me and I love their company and luckily I have wonderful parents in the next village who help when they can. It's his lose, I just hope the children don't resent me when they are older.

[AskingforaBaskin]

@YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea

I've had another message saying I am selfish to stop him seeing his kids and that by going to CMS (He has paid me an agreed amount before not through CMS) I would stop him saving as much to get a house, so the kids wouldn't have proper contact for longer. He won't be having the kids any longer at my house. Luckily it's only two days a week, so I'll just have to ask work if I can WFH those days. I have told a close friend what's been going on and she offered to help in summer hols if I was stuck. He's really shown his true colours and probably why I pandered to him through this as I know he can be like this. It's my own fault as I shouldn't have let this happen from the start, I was just desperate for a break in lockdown and felt my mental health suffering.

It's selfish for him not to parent his children. End of. He isn't providing for them finically, practically or emotionally.

You could throw this in his face but he sounds like a bit of a twat.

[mamas12]

Don’t let him push this onto you it is up to him to patent his own children
Can you let his parents know your side? Would that help or invite more abuse? The more people know the truth better

[AskingforaBaskin]

@Strictly1

It's his parents house so up to them. You may not agree but that's irrelevant. Interesting that you're willing to accommodate it whilst it works for you over the summer because you're back at work but come September it'll need to change.
It is rubbish and I wouldn't want to move out and wouldn't. I would get him to take them for days out as others have suggested.
I don't think it is up to you to tell him to move out but nor should it be up to you to solve the problem. It's his problem - let him sort it.

Why the hell should a man who chose to create children get to just shrug his shoulders and say he will only parent his children during the day time sometimes.

He has done OP zero favours. They are his children. She doesn't have to be grateful for anything. Him and his parents are not her problem. She's put up with enough of his shit. She has every right to demand he steps up.

Wether or not he does is another matter. She can't help that he's a scumbag.

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

Seems hitting him in his wallet is the only issue he has op.
Now save the extra cash and have a trip away with the dc when it is safe.
He has chosen an easy life with his dps over his relationship with the dc. Not your responsibility to manage or maintain their relationship. Purely up to him.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

I've had another message saying I am selfish to stop him seeing his kids and that by going to CMS (He has paid me an agreed amount before not through CMS) I would stop him saving as much to get a house, so the kids wouldn't have proper contact for longer. He won't be having the kids any longer at my house. Luckily it's only two days a week, so I'll just have to ask work if I can WFH those days. I have told a close friend what's been going on and she offered to help in summer hols if I was stuck. He's really shown his true colours and probably why I pandered to him through this as I know he can be like this. It's my own fault as I shouldn't have let this happen from the start, I was just desperate for a break in lockdown and felt my mental health suffering.

[C8H10N4O2]

He said he would let me know when he wanted to take them out for a couple of hours in due course

Those are the words of someone who sees parenting as an optional hobby, not a responsibilty.

[Eloisedublin123]

I feel for you OP what a loser he is

[InDeoEstMeaFiducia]

@YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea

I just had a reply from him that said it was a shame that I can no longer let him have the kids at my house anymore and there is no way he will be moving out or staying in hotels with the children. He said he would let me know when he wanted to take them out for a couple of hours in due course. CMS have been contacted.

He CBA'd to parent his own kids is the upshot of it. Him and what's easiest for him is the priority. What a twat excuse for a father. Glad you contacted CMS.

[YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea]

I just had a reply from him that said it was a shame that I can no longer let him have the kids at my house anymore and there is no way he will be moving out or staying in hotels with the children. He said he would let me know when he wanted to take them out for a couple of hours in due course. CMS have been contacted.

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

I agree with everyone, it’s not the parents who are u it’s him!

He needs to sort out to be able to have them overnight and not at your house!

I also agree I hope he’s paying more maintenance.

[Pebblexox]

I agree that yanbu. However given its his parents house there's not much you can do.
He needs to sort this so he can see his children.