Is it ok to call a child 'dough nose'?

[doughnose]

All throughout my childhood and well into adulthood one of my parents has referred to me as 'dough nose', often with attendant grabbing of my nose.

It might sound mad but I always assumed it was my fault for having a big, fat nose.

But now I'm wondering if parent is BU?

He's bullied me all his life but now he's older and ill. I wish I'd got away when he was still fit and healthy because now I'll be the bad guy if I try to leave now.

Anyone who would judge you for walking away after all he’s put you through it not worth your concern.

When I was younger my mum was brushing my hair and it was very tangled. She said to me at one point ‘your hair is matted here’ to explain why it was pulling. My baby brother was sat next to us and excitedly shouted ‘Mat!’. That was one of his first words and we were very proud. From that day on, my family called me Mat. I loved hearing my brother excitedly shout that as my name. Later at school a teacher asked if I have that nickname because my family think of me as a doormat .

Anyway, all of that is to say that I don’t personally believe an unflattering nickname is necessarily bad depending on the context. The context of dough nose is not well intentioned at all, so you’re not BU to think it’s offensive.

If you’re providing extensive personal care for your father, OP, do everything you can to get away. Even had he been a perfect parent, which clearly wasn’t the case, that’d still be an OK thing to do.

I was surprised by the posts in which people tried to excuse the abuse/redefine it as something loving & normal/victim-blame (you should've said something)/accuse posters of 'looking to be offended'.

Then I remembered how, in talking about my abusive family to people who didn't know them, I would sometimes see people trying to relate what I was saying to their own (non-abusive) background & failing because thankfully they hadn't had to live with people like my family. Sometimes the very word 'father' or 'mother' would set them off defending parents, with no acknowledgement that there are many grades or types of fathers & mothers, some less optimal than others.

I'm not getting at any posters. I just want to point out the dynamics of this.

Those of us from abusive backgrounds often ask, "Is there an 'Abuser's Handbook' somewhere, that they all read?", because their behaviour & words can be eerily similar, even across national boundaries & time. (BTW, yes, I had fat-shaming too, from both parents while I was actually visibly underweight. Helloooo false body image & eating disorder.)

Another thing which occurs to me with all this talk of nicknames is that my malignant narcissist father had derisive nicknames for everybody (child or adult), & wanted everyone except the current victim to join in & find them funny. We didn't. However, one day as an adult I came across a hilarious nickname based on his rank &, thinking it would amuse him too, I used it to him the next time I saw him. Oooh, big mistake! He could dish it out but he couldn't take it. For those new to this, that's a big red flag as to what the power relationship is & whether nicknames are harmless or not.

OP, it sounds like your counselling is going really well. I agree that if you feel it's right, it might be an idea to stop seeing your father. I'd say check out in your own mind who exactly might say you're doing the wrong thing if you do stop (there may be fewer than you assume). Even without your childhood experience of him, his current behaviour would be very upsetting for anybody, & I'm sure most people IRL would understand your not wanting to experience that - I mean, if he'd been a perfect father & then started doing it due solely to the dementia, it would still be appalling. Anyone who tries to guilt you into seeing him is wrong. (Some people might, but this will be due to their own 'stuff'.) Good luck.

Bad guy to who? And why give a shit?
You owe him nothing.
And you are now putting yourself in danger of sexual assault by a man who has treated you with contempt your whole life.

It is perfectly ok to walk away! And would be best for you to do so.

@drivingmisspotty thanks for the apology and clarification - fair enough and yes, I agree with what you've said.

Explaining why people do things isn't necessarily a justification for it yet other posters have been quick to jump all over me so I was probably too quick to read it as a personal slight.

Dads are often the first expeirence of patriarchical attitudes girls encounter and that's often where they learn to challenge it! I think a lot of men learn a lot from their daughters. Obviously it transpires there is more going on with the OP's father.