Is it ok to call a child 'dough nose'?

[doughnose]

All throughout my childhood and well into adulthood one of my parents has referred to me as 'dough nose', often with attendant grabbing of my nose.

It might sound mad but I always assumed it was my fault for having a big, fat nose.

But now I'm wondering if parent is BU?

@Cam2020

Mumsymum the ironic thing is that I actually have a pointy and pretty small nose. I think you must be projecting

Then it's just a silly nickname. Dads in particular often have silly nicknames that might be hurtful, usually to girls. Did you ever say you were upset by it?

It's not cruel - misjudged, certainly, but probably not intended to cause hurt.

This forum sometimes waiting for the 'did he control you in other ways OP' comment next...

Tbh they're more likely to refer to the post made by the OP at 00:38 where the op said "he's always grabbed my body and degraded me. Plus ca change"

As something that strongly suggests this man has a history of behaving inappropriately and it's not just dad stuff.

Then it's just a silly nickname. Dads in particular often have silly nicknames that might be hurtful, usually to girls. Did you ever say you were upset by it?

I see what you are saying but this raises more problems than answers for me. Why do dads often have hurtful nicknames for their daughters? Does that make it okay that it happens ‘often’? (You will think I am hysterical but this behaviour smacks of indoctrination into the patriarchy to me - sorry.)

You ask if OP ever mentioned it was hurtful. Think about where the power lies between parent and child. In my experience kids will not say ‘when you use that nickname it hurts my feelings, please stop.’ Especially if they are already a bit intimidated by the parent. A good parent should be open and attentive to how their child feels.

Maybe it did come from a place of trying to be endearing but it sounds like the OP didn’t experience it that way and should trust her feelings on it.

It's gonna depend on the child, the relationship and lots of other factors. I think most people would have a parallel in their family and it will have bothered some people and other people will have just shrugged it off.

Neither attitude is "correct"

I don't think I would find this offensive as in my family, I've been called "all teeth and hair", my brother regularly gets called "helmet" and my younger sister is called "ginger biscuit". I have always laughed as have my siblings. however, our dad is a genuinely kind man with a heart of gold who would never be saying it to dig us out about our appearance, it's just a trait that's been passed down by his own father. his own dad used to call him "little dick" as his name was Richard and he was tiny when he was born. again, our grandad was a loving man who was never otherwise nasty.

I agree with a PP it depends on the relationship you had, if your parents were nasty in other ways and how you felt about it. that's all that matters really - if you felt undermined and it has affected how you feel about your face then it obviously crossed the line.

Because dads don't think it's hurtful and boys probably wouldn't be upset by it. They often treat girls in a blokish way.

I hadn't read the updates at that point, no, I answered the question. It's apparent now that being called 'dough nose' isn't really the issue, is it as the initial post made it to sound, so why make it all about some silly nickname?

@Mimtastic

Maybe it started as a joke - eg you ask a big question or lots of questions and the parent didn't know the answer so they say "dough nose" and pinch your nose as a play on "don't know" (say it loud like "dun nose") and then it became a thing? It could have originally not been intended as a comment on your nose.

it had nothing to do with the phrase 'don't know' it was dough nose. What a weird post.

A nicknames one thing but the fact that they used to stare at your face and grab at your nose when you were trying to discuss something important is really horrible and shows that they had total disregard for you at the very least. Very cruel.

Because dads don't think it's hurtful and boys probably wouldn't be upset by it. They often treat girls in a blokish way Bloody hell!

Roughy Toughy boys and Little Princess girls!

Fucking sexist stereotyping... Stop it!

You ask if OP ever mentioned it was hurtful. Think about where the power lies between parent and child

Because how is someone to know something is upsetting unless that person speaks up?!

It's not me 'indoctrinated by the patriarchy' at all - my dad often made silly jokes I took to heart as a child, I told him they were hurtful or to stop/got in a huff and he stopped! Surely if I were so indoctrinated, I wouldn't be able to speak up for myself?

My dad who is the loveliest man called me sweetheart, honeybun and as a play on my name, Roopey Roo. I'm 48 and I'm still Roopey to him. OP's dad was being hurtful and he knew it.

*Bloody hell!

Roughy Toughy boys and Little Princess girls!

Fucking sexist stereotyping... Stop it!*

How is blokish referring to boys? I don't think I'd ever refer to to boy as a 'bloke'. My point was how men relate to each other.

People just bring their own agendas here.

My point was how men relate to each other. And to their daughters.... differently. Which you sem to accept as perfectly normal, all fine!

People just bring their own agendas here. Including you and me! That's the point of such fora, isn't it?

As sleepy said, it is possible to have less abrasive family names, even my weirdl innaccessible father managed that!

Family nicknames for me as a child included Chubs and Daisy (as in a cow).

Whenever it's brought up everyone finds it absolutely hilarious. They find the topic of my teenage eating disorder far less funny, though.

However, no matter how much I try to point out the fact the two are linked they won't have it - there's a reason we are low contact. Families can be dickheads and it's even worse when they don't accept accountability.

My dad would never have called me or my sister names that were hurtful. Intentionally or otherwise because he is not a dick!

My nickname was either a shortening of my name or linked to a famous song because my name was in that song.

My DD has loads of nicknames. We call her by her first name and part of her middle name quite often. Or I call her Little Pickle, Munchkin, Sausage, Monkey, Little Squish... Just whatever comes out of my mouth but all meant as an endearment. Sometimes she’s called Sproglet because that was her ‘name’ before she was born. DD2 will probably be referred to as ‘Jellybean’ because that’s what we’re calling her in utero. Other nicknames will emerge.

OP, it’s awful that your dad did that to you and it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with him. I would walk away at this point. You don’t have to put up with sexual assault because he has dementia.

Do you really still need to see him?

@Cam2020

You ask if OP ever mentioned it was hurtful. Think about where the power lies between parent and child

Because how is someone to know something is upsetting unless that person speaks up?!

It's not me 'indoctrinated by the patriarchy' at all - my dad often made silly jokes I took to heart as a child, I told him they were hurtful or to stop/got in a huff and he stopped! Surely if I were so indoctrinated, I wouldn't be able to speak up for myself?

He would just up his game and do it more if I told him it was hurtful.

His bullying was strange because it was always done under the guise of it being funny/teasing but he also believed(s) strongly that adults are in charge and no child was ever going to tell him what to do.

Feedback like that would have got me punished.

I am reading and appreciating all the replies (even if some of them are downright odd).

It seems some people would find this ok in the context of a loving and reciprocal relationship.

Btw I stopped my DD seeing him when he sat in a restaurant calling her names and refused to take it back / stop doing it when I explained he was upsetting her.

@Nanny0gg

Do you really still need to see him?

I guess that's the big question.

He's bullied me all his life but now he's older and ill. I wish I'd got away when he was still fit and healthy because now I'll be the bad guy if I try to leave now.

My point was how men relate to each other. And to their daughters.... differently. Which you sem to accept as perfectly normal, all fine!

When did I say it was fine?! I said it's something that happens and the intention is not to hurt someone.

Sorry, but so many of these reactions are way over the top.

My aunt use to call me 'www' referring to wicked witch of the west. She wouldn't dream of calling me it now! I was a child who stood up for everyone and myself. I came from an abusive background and was a 'tout' to the people who where to protect me (SS) I learned pretty quick that there was something wrong with them not me!

I call my son 'my cute cockatoo' because he has bed hair and it sticks up just like a cockatoo. I love it and he was interested to know about a cockatoo and he thought they were cute and funky, just like him 😁

Did you tell your parents how they make you feel when they call you the name?

My dad always called fatface as I was a very chubby cheeked baby and toddler. He still calls me it now, I'm 45 years old. It's always been said affectionately and I've never felt hurt by it but I guess it depends what other issues there are in the relationship.

*He would just up his game and do it more if I told him it was hurtful.

His bullying was strange because it was always done under the guise of it being funny/teasing but he also believed(s) strongly that adults are in charge and no child was ever going to tell him what to do.*

Then he sounds horrible and like he was deliberately undermining your confidence.

Family dynamics are very different and it comes down to the intention of the person making up the nicknames.

My kid is called flump. Often mini-flump! She is 9 and like a string bean. She likes her nickname. It’s a sign of affection. It doesn’t sound like your Dad was being affectionate.

My case and yours sound very different. My dad's nickname was always 100% affectionate and if it had bothered me he would have not done it.

The comments about being called fat names are also setting off some memories.

He would talk about my 'largesse' my 'girth' and how I was 'rotund' as well.

I think I've answered my own question. Thanks for all replies, much appreciated.

@Cam2020 Apologies I didn’t mean YOU were indoctrinated into the patriarchy. (Except that we all are ) I meant a man who calls his daughter insulting names to do with her appearance in a ‘funny’ way is teaching her that she should expect men to judge and insult her on her appearance and that the appropriate response is to laugh it off rather than challenge it. Whether or not he is doing it consciously, I think that dad is showing his daughter exactly how the patriarchy works and how to be a good little woman.

I agree that it does depend on the dynamic of the relationship, the individual child and the way it is done. Some lovely examples on here of loving nicknames like cockatoo. From how the OP felt I don’t think this was one of those.