To tell his new girlfriend

[Midnightoil2020]

Name changed
Split with ex husband 3 years ago. He was abusivw during the relationship I stupidly married him and then we split. I initiated divorce proceedings and during this and after he was abusive harassing me . Police were involved as were women’s aid.
He has a drink driving conviction common assault against me a caution for assault on another occasion and then he has a caution for harrassment / malicious communications, a non molestation order which was in place for 1 year and then he breached it so went back to court for the breach too and got an absolute discharge. I still have all the court paper work , photos , messages on my phone the lot.

We have several children together. Since we split up he’s never had them overnight as he lives in one room. He took them on a weeks holiday last year and spent most of it getting drunk being horrible to them and saying nasty things to my eldest about me. He also photoshopped the holiday documents and put down a different hotel to the one he was actually staying at.

His involvement is to pay me £100 a week for them (this is the correct amount I have checked it online) and he sees them one day a week on a weekend usually between 10 and 6 approx. I was in hospital last year on a day he had them and he refused to keep them a few hours longer until I was home and settled. In March he was furloughed . I am a key worker and work shifts and I asked him if he would look after them at my house during my shifts as their school didn’t have sufficient numbers to open for key worker children. He refused
Said he wasn’t doing me a favour and why should he put himself out and told me to give my job up and if I lose my home they will have to go into care. In the end the children moved in with my elderly parents for the whole of lockdown (he knows this) and they shielded as a household with me seeing them on FaceTime and Skype !

He’s now met someone. A woman similar age to him who has a couple of teenagers ! He’s been trying to goad a reaction from me this week saying he won’t see the kids next weekend as he’s taking her away ! He told my children this yesterday when they saw him. So far all I know is her first name.

I will admit I am a raging ball of anger and resentment and it’s not healthy
I don’t love him and don’t want him back. But the idea of him doing even less for his kids while he swans about on cosy weekends away with some woman is eating me up . I don’t want her anywhere near my kids as he will love rubbing it in my face.

When we split up he caused me a lot of problems. He let our kids down , he’s messed about a couple of time’s over maintenance. Treated them like shit on that holiday sends me abusive crap when it suits him , none of his family have anything to do with me because of his lies (I should add we were together just shy of 20 years! ) I knew them all since I was a teenager. He tried to report me for benefit fraud , tried to have me thrown out of my house and all sorts of crap !

I want to find out who she is and I want her to know what sort of man she’s got herself involved with.

Ignore ignore and ignore. Soon your children will be able to make their own minds up. You need to start enjoying life. He is in a different league to you. You are determined, motivated and strong. Do not ask him for help re childcare ever again. You give him control. You are stronger. He is a waster and will ever be happy.

@Midnightoil2020 please please don't contact her. It will justify to his family and her that you are the crazy ex and everything he has said about you is true, no matter how you present it, you will come across as bitter and angry (because you are and rightly so).

Give yourself time and give your kids some credit for their own intelligence. They are going to see through him and start to distance themselves away from him as they get older. If you do not get involved and don't involve them in all this and he keeps raging about you they will soon have enough and see how toxic he is. Yes they may be happy to get something out of it for a while whilst he wants to play happy families but people can't uphold the act for long.

Your best revenge is to accept that you are better without him in your life and you have a true chance to be happy and completely disengaged from all that is his bitter and twisted life. You can show your kids what happiness and success is in life by surrounding your self with people that make you feel better about yourself rather than those who make you feel like shit and they will be far happier and more fulfilled than any fake happy with their dad and his new partner.

You say she has teenage children? They will see through his bullshit faster than she will, and they will press every button he has so his veneer of happy families will split faster than you can say "I told you so"
You don't need to do or to say anything, he will do it all for himself. I hope for their sakes that they cotton on to him before things get nasty, but if they do then If the police get involved his previous history will come spilling out.

Feel sorry for the woman, she , just like you did all that time ago, has fallen for the lies, but that is for her to deal with in her own way and her own time.

You on the the other hand have come through on the other side and are rebuilding your life with your dignity and self respect intact. Be proud of yourself.

Not RTFT.
She needs to know. Clare's Law won't necessarily show anything.

Get someone else to tell her or do it anonymously.

It’s understandable, but honestly, don’t do it. It won’t end well. She will see you as the bitter ex, and he will tell lies about you and make you out it be a loon. If she’s smart, she’ll figure it out. It may only last a few weeks anyway. He’s trying to get to you and by telling her the history, he will know he’s got to you. Abusive men can’t hide their true colours for long. Stand well back, and let him get on with it. Use the grey rock analogy. Be bored by it and be boring. Continuing to get all worked up gives him power over you and it seems that’s what he thrives on, why else would he be going on about her. Don’t let him have any.

So I know how you feel OP.
My ex was an actual psychopath. I fell for him big time and he mentioned his ex a lot who ruined his life, tried to kill herself, and was in a psychiatric ward. He was very bitter about her. Now this would ring alarm bells but at the time I was younger.
After we split up (and he had destroyed everything I had) she tried to contact me. She friend requested me and sent a very nice message asking if I wanted to meet. By that point I had begun to suspect that her mh problems may have at least in part been caused by him.
I was really tempted but I just wanted to let it go. So I never met her. I’m glad now I didn’t.
I also understand being so angry you want to destroy them (my friend had to talk me down from sending dodgy porn links to all his business contacts from his email address. I’m glad I didn’t do this now).
I’d be tempted if you had a person in common with this woman to get them to mention it. Or do the claire’s law thing. Anything else at this stage will make you look crazy.
If my ex’s ex had contacted me at the start of our relationship it would have just confirmed for me his lies about her. It’s pointless.
Like pp said, live your best life.
Listen to the Beyoncé coachElla album and do kickboxing/running/walking and yelling.
Feeling angry is normal.
Enjoy the time with your kids and feel grateful you’re not with him anymore!

You said he was abusive during the relationship and THEN you married him right? Doesn't sound like he can conceal his true colours. She won't need you to tell her he's awful.

Revenge is best served cold, it is said (cool as a cucumber)...not raging hot so don't contact this woman (he will perceive you to be jealous). As others have written here, he will not change his personality and it is only a short time before she gets the real him, and moves on. Your job is to focus on child well-being. I would never allow an alcoholic abuser access to my kids. So take him to court for sole custody. He will still have to pay child support, and given your history of DV then you may qualify under legal aid for assistance. Use child care services to plug the gaps in your employment schedule. Don't expose your children to him. He sounds lazy and like he wouldnt have the finances to challenge your family court order anyway. Let him crack on with all the 'lucky' ladies under his dick drops off and let him go, you are in charge of you...don't communicate with him in person, and take control of the reigns. For information, I am a single parent of two kids with disabilities and their father was a DV control-freak idiot. He told me they would have to go to care if I got ill and admitted to hospital (my family stepped in every time I was hospitalised for my own disability). I work two job roles, and home-school my kids. Their Dad never has them overnight and he is a sex addict swanning off with countless Tinder conquests...they never stay, they see through him...I am happier going no-contact with the abusive t^at and taking control of my emotions in relation to him. Good luck!

If you approach her in anyway you give him a gift. The best gift you could ever give him. You will give creedence to his narrative of "my crazy/bitch ex did this to me'. Why give him a gift?
Regarding your children and you - resist managing his relationship with them. Help your children grieve him and the father they wished they had. Forcus on healing yourself from what this wanker has thrown at you. Then, get your own revenge - by enjoying your life and your children.

Thanks for all the fab advice. I don’t know anything about her only her first name. He’s not a stupid man and he will either lay false trails or he will try and keep her well hidden out of fear of what I may say . Last year his sister in law died and he told me my life would be at risk if I attended the funeral. All hot air and bullocks but there’s a reason he wanted me kept as far away as possible. And that’s most likely because he doesn’t want his lies to be exposed.

Hopefully her children make waves and make things difficult and he gets fed up with it.

Bla bla bla. Just no. YABU. Leave the new GF to it don't involve yourself. Why cause yourself drama.

You will come across as a bunny boiler as he has already given her his side of it all. Stay out of it and breathe a sigh of relief you eventually saw the way out

Thanks ladies. I will leave it and see how things pan out. I keep imagining him as this perfect lovely reformed man. Then I think back to when I met him and remind myself he’s probably even more massively messed up following us breaking up and the divorce etc so I doubt he will stay lovely for long.

I have never stopped him seeing the children . If they don’t want to see him that’s their decision and I don’t force them but by the same token if they do then they can and I have never stood in the way. However if they are busy with other plans or activities then they aren’t always free to see him so it can be weeks at a time sometimes before they visit.

With regards to the holiday last year legally I had no way of stopping him as he has parental responsibility and has never harmed the children. I looked into it and had to admit defeat on it and let them go plus they all wanted to go (he sat them down with brochures on a visit and told them to choose somewhere and then sent them home to me excited about the holiday without even consulting me first ) I have wanted to get revenge on him for so long but I slowly saw (like with the holiday) give someone enough rope and they will hang them selves. He was told as was his family that he would only get one chance and if he fucked up I would be waiting and he would never take them away again. And lo and behold he did. Sadly my children had to be put through that shit though !

Judging by some of the threads I read on here I don’t think this new woman’s age will have anything to do with her seeing the light or not. If she barely gets any time away from her kids the fact he’s floated in telling her she deserves a break and taking her away he’s probably along way to winning her over already. As I say I don’t know the situation with the kids father how long she’s been single or much about her. I would expect the relationship to possibly move quickly. She must have her own place and he’s living in one room. Let’s see how long before he’s living with her and things like that .

I have read the advice of PPs, and I admit it all sounds very sensible.

However, I know that in your shoes, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he did something terrible to his new girlfriend, or one of her children and I hadn't at least tried to do something.

Would it be possible for you to get in touch with the Police and explain the situation, that you're very concerned for the safety of this woman and her children and you wondered if they might be able to approach her to warn her of his history?

I understand that you don't know her surname or address as yet, but once you do, perhaps this is something you could consider? It would mean you had at least tried - even if they either can't or refuse to approach her, even if they do and she refuses to listen, at least your conscience will be clear and it shouldn't be traceable back to you. Just a thought.

As long as this man can raise such emotion in you he has a hold on you. Let go. Its probably better for your children to see less of someone so toxic.
Just ensure you have some written communication from him saying he wont see the children in case he later goes to court over access.

If he sends you unnecessarily or abusive messages delete & ignore. (Or reply I think you sent this to the wrong person. It's worked in the past with toxic PTA mums for me)

Let the bitterness go OP. You say you are distanced. But you are not emotionally distanced. Thank your lucky stars if he stops seeing your children.
Don't justify wanting to contact her as 'saving' her. She likes him, just as you did, and it is up to her when she ends it and why. You knew he was abusive but married him and continued to have (multiple) children with him. He is clearly persuasive. Leave them to it.

If he sends you unnecessarily or abusive messages delete & ignore. (Or reply I think you sent this to the wrong person. It's worked in the past with toxic PTA mums for me)
Actually I don't think I'd reply. I would, however, keep those messages safe in case I needed it for legal purposes later. I also would not respond on anything not specifically about the children - again in writing. 🌹

Be very careful.
I know someone who did their snd her exH went to the police and accused her of harassment. You wouldn't think the police would bother, but nice middle aged women are an easy target for them (easier than chasing scary drug dealers) and she had to accept a caution and pay for some kind of anti-harassment training.

Yes, definately keep any messages given he has plenty of form for abuse.

Yes I have all messages from him. Even the ones where he’s said he wants nothing to do with the kids and is moving on with his life. I kept them in case he ever tried to go down the court access road (never has funnily enough ) I never ask him for anything anymore. Last year I asked him to contribute half towards their school uniforms and he refused
His mum said she would pay it and funnily enough I am still waiting a whole year on ! He was only asked to assist with childcare in lockdown as my parents had a bad week with the children and I was told by them that he had to step up ! So I asked purely to prove the point of what a useless selfish individual the man is.

Now if he lets the children down I simply reply with a thumbs up and say I will pass the message on. That’s it