To tell his new girlfriend

[Midnightoil2020]

Name changed
Split with ex husband 3 years ago. He was abusivw during the relationship I stupidly married him and then we split. I initiated divorce proceedings and during this and after he was abusive harassing me . Police were involved as were women’s aid.
He has a drink driving conviction common assault against me a caution for assault on another occasion and then he has a caution for harrassment / malicious communications, a non molestation order which was in place for 1 year and then he breached it so went back to court for the breach too and got an absolute discharge. I still have all the court paper work , photos , messages on my phone the lot.

We have several children together. Since we split up he’s never had them overnight as he lives in one room. He took them on a weeks holiday last year and spent most of it getting drunk being horrible to them and saying nasty things to my eldest about me. He also photoshopped the holiday documents and put down a different hotel to the one he was actually staying at.

His involvement is to pay me £100 a week for them (this is the correct amount I have checked it online) and he sees them one day a week on a weekend usually between 10 and 6 approx. I was in hospital last year on a day he had them and he refused to keep them a few hours longer until I was home and settled. In March he was furloughed . I am a key worker and work shifts and I asked him if he would look after them at my house during my shifts as their school didn’t have sufficient numbers to open for key worker children. He refused
Said he wasn’t doing me a favour and why should he put himself out and told me to give my job up and if I lose my home they will have to go into care. In the end the children moved in with my elderly parents for the whole of lockdown (he knows this) and they shielded as a household with me seeing them on FaceTime and Skype !

He’s now met someone. A woman similar age to him who has a couple of teenagers ! He’s been trying to goad a reaction from me this week saying he won’t see the kids next weekend as he’s taking her away ! He told my children this yesterday when they saw him. So far all I know is her first name.

I will admit I am a raging ball of anger and resentment and it’s not healthy
I don’t love him and don’t want him back. But the idea of him doing even less for his kids while he swans about on cosy weekends away with some woman is eating me up . I don’t want her anywhere near my kids as he will love rubbing it in my face.

When we split up he caused me a lot of problems. He let our kids down , he’s messed about a couple of time’s over maintenance. Treated them like shit on that holiday sends me abusive crap when it suits him , none of his family have anything to do with me because of his lies (I should add we were together just shy of 20 years! ) I knew them all since I was a teenager. He tried to report me for benefit fraud , tried to have me thrown out of my house and all sorts of crap !

I want to find out who she is and I want her to know what sort of man she’s got herself involved with.

Your story sounds very similar to a family I know

@babydisney I have sent a pm

Don’t get involved. If she’s in that first flush of live, she won’t listen anyway.

And to be honest if he spends less time with your dcs, that will be a good thing. The less time he spends with them, the less opportunity there is for them to be influenced by his nastiness. It sounds like a win-win to me.

@Midnightoil2020

Your anger jumps off the page, together with very deep personal hurt and fear for your children at the injustice of your Ex being happy after what he's put you, his children and your parents through.

I will admit I am a raging ball of anger and resentment and it’s not healthy

BUT you need to find a less unhealthy avenue to channel your anger. The way you feel, whilst justified, is not doing you any good at all - how could it? You have no control over what he does outside his life with you or even what he tells his children. All you can control is how you react to this. How you strive to live your own life, and protect your children as best you can.

Perhaps this has been touched on at your own counselling sessions?

One of my kids in counselling. Me the same. Another wetting the bed .

You have enough on your plate already without finding out who the next woman is, what's going on in her life, trying to warn her (and get some revenge too?).

All this will do will be to bring his full, aggressive, manipulative anger back onto you and your children. Any "anonymous" warning from you will be identified by him as coming from you and he will hit back. You have seen how destructive he can be - why would you invite that back into your lives?

I do not blame you, in the least, for being so angry and want to see his life go up in flames for the way he and, by association, his family, have treated you. I'm just saying that those flames would do you all harm too. He will use his children, your children, as weapons against you. Please do not allow this to happen. Certainly not through any action of yours.

Can you bring all this up, as openly and honestly as you have been here, to your counsellor when you next see them? Is your next appointment soon?

Do you have any time for yourself, OP? Maybe burn up some of your angry energy by running? Swimming if your local pool is open? Or boxing would be good to release some of that pent up turmoil. I know I found Boxing, with a trainer and using a punchbag, very useful at one stage of my life.

Distance yourself from him, emotionally, as much as you can and build your defences and that of your children by living as happy a life as you can, day by day. Every week, every month, is another step towards your children wanting nothing to do with him and building their own lives with no input from him. Isn't that the best revenge?

I know it's hard and that you need to keep finding the strength to live your life well every day. I think you can do it. Good luck, OP🌹

You need to warn her OP. You can’t willingly let some woman walk into a relationship like this.

I notice the majority on here say don’t bother warning the new gf as she won’t listen. How nice that these posters think women are so stupid, so idiotic that they will happily waft away a warning about a dangerous man. It’s as though they want this woman to stay with your ex just so she can have a miserable life, same as them. Maybe they hope she will come on Mumsnet one day with a thread about her abusive boyfriend.

You have to try to tell her. You and her may see eye to eye - after all you both went for the same man, so you’re quite similar. She may be a lovely person and you don’t want this to happen to her.

You don't need to rescue her. New woman is not some innocent vulnerable girl; she's a middle aged woman who's been round the block. She's also a mother and as soon as she sees him interacting with his own kids, and hers, she'll get the message.

Your best revenge is to do nothing and let him wreck his new relationship all by himself, with no opportunities to blame you or paint you as the guilty party.

I would; he’s probably told her all sorts of things about you and she may not believe you but even if she doesn’t it may help her end the relationship at the first sign of trouble as she may realise at that point that you were telling the truth rather than staying in the relationship and giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I also think that if there are kids (hers) involved it’s important to at least try but I’d probably contact social services to see if they would inform her of his history.

It seems like the less your kids see their father the better.

Don't lower yourself

My ex has had numerous girlfriends since we split up, bloody loads of them, and he moves in and starts playing happy families with their kids but they all see through him in the end, he's been unfaithful to every single girlfriend and he's an abusive twat when they find out and kick him out.

Our kids barely saw him when they were younger cos he was too busy shagging around, although I must say he was far more likely to see them when he was at the beginning of a relationship, probably as it was part of showing what a fab person he was 🙄 but the relationships never lasted. The kids love him as their dad but they can still see that he's a total tosser at the same time.

Warning her won’t give you the closure you seek.

I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through.

I’m 14 years past where you are. And he’s a dick. Mine. I mean. He’s still a dick.

I thought he was treating his new woman different and I remember being so angry when he took her to a place I’d begged him to take me.

I wanted to warn her but I was doing it from a place of look what he did to me. And she won’t listen to that. Because she will think she is different.

I swallowed it, and got on with my life.

And guess what? In the last 6 months and especially since lockdown it’s starting to look very very familiar from the titbits I hear via the kids.

If she was to approach me, I’d tell her and validate her lived experience. But otherwise I’m keeping my distance. I don’t want him anywhere near my orbit again.

She’s a grown woman. She can do a Claire’s law if she wants herself.

Don't get into it. Truly.

You are letting "them" get to you too much.

On a practical level don't let him see he is winding you up.

Actually let them play happy families with your kids. This will actually make him show his true colours quicker because he will get bored of it. Indeed if you do want an overnight break and get to know her you can say oh good can you have then over night exH has never managed to be before.

Kill her with kindness and it automatically defeats any crazy ex narrative he wants to give her.

Act lkke a crazy ex then you just play into his hands.

What an unhealthy father and a terrible role model for your children.,
I wouldn’t send them to him. He doesn’t care about anyone except himself. What a charmer.
How old are you children? Have you sought advice if they need to go if not I would.,Was a contact centre not arranged?
He is a very sick man and continues to do your children untold emotional damage. How do you handle this.
I wouldn’t give a shit he’s found his next victim and was taking her away.
He’s pathetic really and you need to not rise to his bait.
You need to focus on your own life and your children. Imagine him as a little rat in the background scurrying around to make some noise.
Have you looked a CODA - I’m not saying you are codependent but give it a check out to see.

I didn’t want to read and not reply.
Your ex sounds horrible. Horrible to you and your children.
I wouldn’t want my children I spend a minute with somebody who treats them like that.
Hopefully he will get on with the new girlfriend and have less influence in your children’s lives.
Just thank your lucky stars you’re away from him and safe.
I wouldn’t interfere and contact the new partner.
You need to build your own self confidence and happiness without this man. I know it’s so difficult but he isn’t a decent man and spending time upset over him is wasting your time.
Good luck to you and your children x

I think any new girlfriend won't want to listen to all the horrific things he has done. He will have already painted you as the crazy ex.

However, the only words that may well have an impact are Claire's Law. Those would be the only words I would pass on.

He sounds a prince. Oh sorry that should have read he sounds a prick...

I think if she ever contacts you and asks then you tell her the whole story. However, she won't believe you now and he will keep you away from her.

If you do feel determined to message or forewarn her. I would offer the opportunity to ask about your past. In terms of any doubts you have about this man are justified, if you would ever like to hear about our history, I am willing to speak to you. But he will have painted you as a madwoman in the attic so prepare to be dismissed or abused.

Personally, I would not engage further in this man's life than I had to and would not contact her.

If it becomes possible I think the best thing you can do is anonymously suggests she uses Claire's Law.

Really shocked at some of these comments. So your ex wasn’t really “abusive” then? Because if he was you’d do the right thing and warn the new girlfriend.

How is this getting turned into advice where you should seek “revenge” by letting your ex and his new gf get on with things?? How can people suggest you put another woman’s life in danger just so you can feel satisfaction? Gross...

For her safety and via Claire's law, yes you should.

But I don't think it's really about that for you. You're (understandably!) so angry at him and feel he's "got away with it" when you have to live with what happened, plus, deal with the kids etc.

If you're looking for anything other than to simply protect this woman, then sadly you'll be disappointed. She won't believe you - we never do. She'll just think that he will be different to her because she's special and won't drive him to it like you did blah blah blah. Something from the police will be more difficult for her to deny but even then, don't expect it to go your way.

Sorry he put you through all of that x

If you intervene, you will always be the cause of his life problems.

You need to let him hang himself slowly. That’s the only way.

No, don’t warn her of anything, as nice as you might try to be, she won’t believe you.

Also, I completely go against the grain about you having horrible feelings towards this women and not letting your kids go near her!

She has done nothing wrong, she could be absolutely lovely to your kids, and the only pleasing thing that happens to them when they visit their dad.

Let them play happy families, as eventually she will see that actually, his a shit dad.

She is mid 40’s I’m sure she has some experience in relationships so isn’t a dippy teenager in love.

His winning by the way, your so angry at her and she has done nothing, but your angry because of him.

Relax, be mad, but not at her, and just hope she is a lovely person and will bring out the best in your children when they visit.

I’d probably feel more safer my kids visiting their Physco dad with her there than not, especially if he drinks a lot when they visit!!

Op, you are allowing this abuser to continue to abuse you, without actually doing anything.

He could be my 'dad' the best revenge is moving on, not letting him know that a single thing he does bothers you, get a communication app for any and all conversations regarding the kids, stop asking him for favours, he doesn't care that its to work to pay the bills for his kids, he then gets one over you, and he revels in it, just stop.

You are playing into his hands and continuing to live as if he were still under your roof.

I also agree with Redcups, she has done nothing wrong.

Bet he’s happy with her and is being this amazing person with her

I wouldn't think that, OP. As you say, when he went on holiday with your kids he spent most of it getting drunk, being awful, yet photoshopping things to make them appear better than they really are...all you're seeing is the photoshopped version of him now, but you know what he's really like underneath!

There’s a chance she’s on MN. 40’s, teenage children, new fella who lives in a 1 bed next to his parents. Taking you away for the weekend. If you recognise yourself, do a Claire’s Law on your new fella.

To the OP, I agree with PPs - ignore him. Look after yourself and your children. Don’t give your ex your valuable headspace.