To tell his new girlfriend

[Midnightoil2020]

Name changed
Split with ex husband 3 years ago. He was abusivw during the relationship I stupidly married him and then we split. I initiated divorce proceedings and during this and after he was abusive harassing me . Police were involved as were women’s aid.
He has a drink driving conviction common assault against me a caution for assault on another occasion and then he has a caution for harrassment / malicious communications, a non molestation order which was in place for 1 year and then he breached it so went back to court for the breach too and got an absolute discharge. I still have all the court paper work , photos , messages on my phone the lot.

We have several children together. Since we split up he’s never had them overnight as he lives in one room. He took them on a weeks holiday last year and spent most of it getting drunk being horrible to them and saying nasty things to my eldest about me. He also photoshopped the holiday documents and put down a different hotel to the one he was actually staying at.

His involvement is to pay me £100 a week for them (this is the correct amount I have checked it online) and he sees them one day a week on a weekend usually between 10 and 6 approx. I was in hospital last year on a day he had them and he refused to keep them a few hours longer until I was home and settled. In March he was furloughed . I am a key worker and work shifts and I asked him if he would look after them at my house during my shifts as their school didn’t have sufficient numbers to open for key worker children. He refused
Said he wasn’t doing me a favour and why should he put himself out and told me to give my job up and if I lose my home they will have to go into care. In the end the children moved in with my elderly parents for the whole of lockdown (he knows this) and they shielded as a household with me seeing them on FaceTime and Skype !

He’s now met someone. A woman similar age to him who has a couple of teenagers ! He’s been trying to goad a reaction from me this week saying he won’t see the kids next weekend as he’s taking her away ! He told my children this yesterday when they saw him. So far all I know is her first name.

I will admit I am a raging ball of anger and resentment and it’s not healthy
I don’t love him and don’t want him back. But the idea of him doing even less for his kids while he swans about on cosy weekends away with some woman is eating me up . I don’t want her anywhere near my kids as he will love rubbing it in my face.

When we split up he caused me a lot of problems. He let our kids down , he’s messed about a couple of time’s over maintenance. Treated them like shit on that holiday sends me abusive crap when it suits him , none of his family have anything to do with me because of his lies (I should add we were together just shy of 20 years! ) I knew them all since I was a teenager. He tried to report me for benefit fraud , tried to have me thrown out of my house and all sorts of crap !

I want to find out who she is and I want her to know what sort of man she’s got herself involved with.

[quote Happynow001]@Midnightoil2020

Your anger jumps off the page, together with very deep personal hurt and fear for your children at the injustice of your Ex being happy after what he's put you, his children and your parents through.

I will admit I am a raging ball of anger and resentment and it’s not healthy

BUT you need to find a less unhealthy avenue to channel your anger. The way you feel, whilst justified, is not doing you any good at all - how could it? You have no control over what he does outside his life with you or even what he tells his children. All you can control is how you react to this. How you strive to live your own life, and protect your children as best you can.

Perhaps this has been touched on at your own counselling sessions?

One of my kids in counselling. Me the same. Another wetting the bed .

You have enough on your plate already without finding out who the next woman is, what's going on in her life, trying to warn her (and get some revenge too?).

All this will do will be to bring his full, aggressive, manipulative anger back onto you and your children. Any "anonymous" warning from you will be identified by him as coming from you and he will hit back. You have seen how destructive he can be - why would you invite that back into your lives?

I do not blame you, in the least, for being so angry and want to see his life go up in flames for the way he and, by association, his family, have treated you. I'm just saying that those flames would do you all harm too. He will use his children, your children, as weapons against you. Please do not allow this to happen. Certainly not through any action of yours.

Can you bring all this up, as openly and honestly as you have been here, to your counsellor when you next see them? Is your next appointment soon?

Do you have any time for yourself, OP? Maybe burn up some of your angry energy by running? Swimming if your local pool is open? Or boxing would be good to release some of that pent up turmoil. I know I found Boxing, with a trainer and using a punchbag, very useful at one stage of my life.

Distance yourself from him, emotionally, as much as you can and build your defences and that of your children by living as happy a life as you can, day by day. Every week, every month, is another step towards your children wanting nothing to do with him and building their own lives with no input from him. Isn't that the best revenge?

I know it's hard and that you need to keep finding the strength to live your life well every day. I think you can do it. Good luck, OP🌹[/quote]
I agree with this and what Outofhours said about you allowing him to continue to abuse you.

Use the safe space in your counselling session to get very angry with him. I hope you have the sort of counsellor, who is helping you to go through this process by using various techniques to get you to the other side. You need to be working on loving yourself and accepting this is a situation you cannot change. If you are not, you need to look for alternative therapy.

As others have said, the best revenge is to live your life well. The best we can hope is that he doesn’t go on to abuse this woman and her children. Perhaps an opportunity will come to inform her or her ex. But if you are burning with rage looking for this time to come, you are missing out on all the wonderful opportunities to enjoy the present moment with your children.

No way would I tell her. There’s a history of domestic abuse, don’t provoke him.

Your responsibility to a complete stranger does not extend to risking your or your children’s well being.

@AlwaysCheddar

It seems like the less your kids see their father the better.

Yup!

I wouldn't be doing anything to give him the chance to play victim & them to start thinking maybe he's not all that bad!

Roll on the day that none of them want to see him!

Would you have listened to an ex at the start of your relationship with him, when still in the honeymoon stage? No you wouldn’t. You’d think she was some bitter unhinged ex. Everything will be lovely for them at the moment. But she will work out for herself what a dick he is as the relationship progresses, and his true colours start to show. Just be thankful he’s her problem now and not yours. Don’t let yourself be eaten up with anger - he is who he is, and won’t change as far as his behaviour with your DCs. Just focus on giving them lots of love and don’t contact his gf - nothing will change as a result of you contacting her.

I’m sorry you’ve suffered like this and continue to do so. He is a bastard.

I wouldn’t tell her, morally it’s probably the right thing to do but chances are she is already ignoring red flags so she won’t take advice from the ‘scorned woman’ that he has probably portrayed you as. Plus it will likely bring drama to your door.

The best revenge is to live a good life. Be happy, when he collects the children be happy and breezy. Let go and evict him from the space he is renting in your head.

OP you say you have had counselling - are you still getting this? It might be a good time to restart.
Your feelings are completely justified, but I hope you can find a healthier way to channel them.
You are a success - you divorced him, are raising your children without him, working as a keyworker, keeping a home for them.

Maybe he is treating her better - maybe that will end and she will see his true colours. Maybe it won't and they will be happy. That's fine too - your dc will have a dad who manages to not be an utter idiot.

Continue to build on your and your dc's happiness. Don't let him affect you.

As a PP said, the best revenge you can get is to live your best life without him.

Please don't engage with either of them any more than you absolutely have to for the DCs sake. Any reaction or intervention from you will be spun by your ex to add weight to the picture he has drawn (or is in the process of drawing) for his new partner about your relationship. It will be used to paint him as the poor downtrodden man who has been taken advantage of by his evil ex.

Take comfort in the fact that leopards don't change their spots and she will eventually come to see him for what he really is. I truly believe that nothing you can say to her right now will change her mind about him though, it will only draw them closer together. She needs to find out for herself.

You're giving your useless ex way too much of your own headspace here OP and he's not worth it.

Do you have a third party to talk to, are you currently receiving counselling? It does seem to have triggered something for you that you need to talk about (which is absolutely fine) and I think speaking to someone who is not involved in the situation allows you to really vent without judgement!

As PP have said, focus on your own successful life now and not his. You've moved on.

I am sorry he seems like a nasty man...but I take the view if he’s busy with his new girlfriend he will more likely leave you alone!

God no, let him hang himself as the saying goes.

The truth will out.

I would look around for childminders or holiday clubs, ours take children up to age 12, and I get up to 80% paid by Tax Credits.

I am also a KeyWorker.
I would speak to your manager and ask in supervision about applying for flexible working, explain the situation and ask about working the school core hours.

I have been a lone parent since DC was born. I have never ever had help from ex (he left the area)
No help from family (none near me)

What I am saying is, do not ask him to help you ever

His control is to say "NO"

Never ever let them go away with him again.
He got drunk and mentally tormented them?
Then lied about where they where?

Wow.

Op, I do understand and can empathise with your feelings.
I would think of it like this. He is someone else’s problem now. He is a abusive prick and is certainly not a prize.
His true colours will come out quite soon and hopefully his new squeeze will get out quickly.
I wouldn’t get involved with his relationship if I were you. You don’t want to harass and abuse you. Ignore him

I wouldn't say anything to her - I can understand why you would want to. From a purely selfish perspective, it's kind of good that he has a new focus in this woman, as it takes the focus off of you.

You are torturing yourself, i totally get it, he made your life a misery so why should he be happy..people like your ex will never be happy..you dont need to pull his mask off, it will slip without any help...please take a backseat and focus on your own happiness..stop letting him continue to control you

@Midnightoil2020
Don't contact her.

You will have too get used to your ex being with other women...Maybe even marrying them, and having children.
It happens, just be prepared for it.

BUT, Leopards rarely change their spots..
Concentrate on you and the children...Don't worry about the horrible ex and the woman/women he is seeing.

Look up ''Desiderata'' -I found that simple 'writing' helped me see things in a different perspective when I too was upset about my ex.

www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=desiderata+lyrics+words&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

Would you have listened if someone pulled you to one side and said “the guy you’re head over heels about, he’s nasty!”

I bet you wouldn’t, you’d pass it off as sour grapes. Leave it, let her find out for herself. She is not your responsibility.

Remember what you're feeling now is part of a process and wont last.
He sounds fucking horrible and if I were you I'd be glad that you're well out of it and his new partner has it all to come, unfortunately for her.
Are you sure people believe his lies? Many people see through it, or if not, will do in the fullness of time.
The best thing you can do is behave with dignity and keep on focusing on you and your children.
Dont allow your anger and resentment (which is completely understandable) to cloud your judgement/actions.
His loveliness with her wont last, hes doing it to reel her in. It's false so nothing to be envious if. Sounds like he's the type to enjoy winding you up.

I imagine his true colours will surface pretty soon and she'll find out for herself. Hopefully she'll have the sense to run before she gets too involved with him.

Hi op, my advice is to focus on yourself and your children. Make this your sole priority.

He will nit have a perfect or even better relationship with someone else as he will nit change but initially he may believe this and try and rub it in with you.

My ex was in reasonableush ter PMs until he met someone else. He suddenly lost interest in the children , saw them less, refused to ever ‘help me out’ and started trying to reduce the money he paid. He was like a kid in a sweatshop, all smiles, new clothes, telling me he had a ‘very busy social life’ and so couldn’t pick up the children etc.

Fast forward two years, he’s split with girlfriend, realised his relationship with his children is more distant and that he now has nothing. Meanwhile I am feeling stronger and getting my life together. Don’t worry about warning her, she will find out and just focus on all the bad bits she will be getting instead of you, leaving you to focus on the positive things in your life.

No-one's life should be focused on this shit. He is a loser. You are raising children, holding down a job, a survivor. You are in a different league to him. Why do you even give him the time of day? Every time you give him head space, you drag yourself down to his level when you could be focussing your effort/time/energy on improving your own life and your children's lives without him.
She is not your problem. He is much less your problem than you think. You can survive without him. Your kids are better off without him. He brings nothing of value to your lives beyond £100 per week, for which you are paying an extortionately high price.
Don't spend a second of your life even thinking about him. Stop his pathetic manipulation. If you don't, eventually people will think you deserve all this drama. Up to you.

I’m sorry you suffered like this at the hands of this perp.
Why do you think she would listen to you, you found him charming enough to stay and have children with him and there must have been raging red flags there. The situation with this woman will be the same.
The most likely outcome will be you and the new woman arguing about this POS, with him standing back enjoying it.
It will also serve his narrative that you are ‘crazy’, as unbelievably there are still 40+ year old women out there actually believing that line.
You need to completely disengage from him, and start concentrating on yourself.
WA services usually offer some DV counselling and run courses for women to identify red flags in relationships.

You contacting her will only reinforce the 'my ex is crazy' story that he's no doubt fed her about you.

The very best thing you can do is to detach completely from this situation. It sounds like you have hardly any contact with your ex anyway, which is good, so now you just need to focus on you and your DC and making your life with them as good as you can. Ignore him as much as possible. Stop letting his awful behaviour continue to impact on your health and happiness. By giving him this head space all the time he is still controlling you. It's time that stopped.

YANBU to want to tell her - YABU to actually do it.

I know it's hard, but let it go. It'll eat away at you like a cancer in your mind and you and your children will be the ones to suffer. You can't change him, and you can't change her (because anything you say to her will be "spun" by him to reinforce the impression he has given of you being batsh*t and malicious.

Take deep calming breaths, and step away from the carnage. She will learn her lesson - she's a grown up with grown up children (had she had a couple of toddlers my advice might have been different) and you have no responsibility for he well-being.

It's awful to have to just stand by when he is so vile about taking care of his children by you, yet will lavish money on this other woman, but nothing you do will change that, unfortunately - he won't suddenly think "Good heavens! What have I been thinking! This extra cash should be going on giving my own children a decent holiday/ day out/ standard of living, instead of me just paying as little as possible"

He just won't ever think that way. He is a horrible, bitter, violent man and you are best out of it.

From what you've said, he is a shit dad. The less time that he sees of his kids, the better. You have something that he will never have - their love and respect. He's the loser in all of this, not you!

I don't know about telling the new partner, I would do Clare's Law if you know her GP (her GP can do it).

What I reading is that your Ex is abusive, is horrible to your kids and was drunk whilst he was meant to be responsible for them - yet you still wanted them to go back to him for additional hours? I understand key worker childcare was stressful but that really doesn't sound safe for your children at all.

And the other thing is that you must NEVER let him realise how angry you are about this
He will LOVE that! It will feed into his abusive powerplay over you, he will know he still has the power to wound you even more and he will USE it

And this, too ^

If he rubs your face in it, don't answer, or say "I hope you'll both be very happy" and draw a line under it. No further response.