AIBU over this gift reaction?

[thedark1]

DP's birthday was back in June, and the same day as our anniversary. I wanted to make it special for him, and get thoughtful but "naice" presents for him. He's really fussy, and has never given me hints/ideas about what he ever wants as a gift (so agonisingly difficult to buy for!) to make sure I wasn't gonna miss the mark completely, I sent photos of/suggested the things I was going to buy him (this time a nice coat he said he liked and was thinking of buying for the colder weather amongst other things) so I thought instead of him spending three figures on a coat when he'd usually buy other things, I'd treat him instead so his hard earned money could go on games or whatever he usually spends his money on. When I gave him his gifts I said if he wanted to return or exchange anything no offense would be taken, and I kept the packaging and receipts for the whole time a refund/exchange would still be available. He said he liked the gifts etc and no didn't want to return so I thought I'd hit a home run with my choices.

Fast forward to Saturday night, when just before we fell asleep he started going on about how he didn't want me buying him clothes, I was forcing a certain style on him, he only said he liked that coat and was thinking of buying it to placate me (keep in mind he usually says when he dislikes my suggestions on anything, clothes included, so why not this time?) I felt exasperated and like my efforts, money, and time had been wasted (I'm a PG student with very little money and had sacrificed things I wanted for him to have nice presents) I asked him to tell me in future what he DOES want, even vague hints, because I'm not a mindreader! Cue his ramblings of me being over sensitive and it being my fault. I realise there are bigger issues but I am quite upset at this, I don't feel it was an issue that even needed to be brought up, why didn't he just wait until closer to Christmas and give me a more prescriptive list so I didn't make any "mistakes"? Did it really need to be brought up two months after the fact, when I can't do anything about the bloody stupid coat now?

Don't bother Buying him gifts from now on then

He’s being a dick. YANBU!

YANBU. I dont get my DH a birthday gift unless he tells me what he wants. I can't be arsed to spend time and money getting him something he doesn't want.

It would have been helpful to have mentioned if at the time. Now, it's just hurtful.

I buy edible gifts that we both like if he doesn't come up with ideas .

I would agree to and stick with low cost gifts from now on, perhaps a meal out, that way he can't complain later.

You could sell the coat secondhand (I doubt it's been worn). Then make an agreement about gifts. Either don't bother at all or have a set amount. Personally I think no more than £50 is fine. You could even go lower. £25 maybe. Write a list of things you would like up to a value of £25 so you get a surprise but it's something you are actually going to want.

Have you checked that there isn't an extended return period at the moment? Some stores have done this. If it still has the tags on and is unworn you might still be able to return it.

It sounds as though some resentment has built up. Whilst I agree he’s being a bit of a dick by splurting it out at this point, I would take heed. Don’t buy him or even suggest clothes as he doesn’t like it . Plus buy him something far cheaper!

That’s really mean of him. I’d be very upset by that.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain that you like to buy gifts for him, if he’d rather you didn’t he needs to vocalise that, or if he doesn’t like the gift you have already bought he needs to be honest. It’s hurtful to be thinking about how to please your partner with a gift only for them to throw it back in your face as an example of being controlling - even though he suggested it!

If he doesn’t apologise and take this on board I’d be reconsidering the relationship tbh. Sounds like you’ll never be able to get it right.

@bookmum08

You could sell the coat secondhand (I doubt it's been worn). Then make an agreement about gifts. Either don't bother at all or have a set amount. Personally I think no more than £50 is fine. You could even go lower. £25 maybe. Write a list of things you would like up to a value of £25 so you get a surprise but it's something you are actually going to want.

Funnily enough he has actually worn it, he apparently likes it and does want to wear it but obviously doesn't love it otherwise there would be no issue with me buying clothes in the future kind of thing. I think the idea of setting a monetary limit is a great idea, one I have suggested before, but he's always said he likes to spoil me and would go above any limit that we set anyway so it would be useless and probably lead to me feeling bad or him feeling disappointed that I hadn't gone over the limit too slyly, iyswim?

Most shops have really long return periods at the moment. I’d take it back or at least try to return it. It’s difficult to tell someone likes and dislikes with gifts but it sounds like his delivery was really rude.

You can probably return the coat. A lot of shops are doing 90 day returns.

@MsEllany

That’s really mean of him. I’d be very upset by that.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain that you like to buy gifts for him, if he’d rather you didn’t he needs to vocalise that, or if he doesn’t like the gift you have already bought he needs to be honest. It’s hurtful to be thinking about how to please your partner with a gift only for them to throw it back in your face as an example of being controlling - even though he suggested it!

If he doesn’t apologise and take this on board I’d be reconsidering the relationship tbh. Sounds like you’ll never be able to get it right.

This is exactly how it feels, that I can't do right for doing wrong. I feel like if he gets no surprises come next Christmas he'd be disappointed, but obviously left to my own devices I'm not doing right either. I wouldn't have been offended at all had he said at the time something like "oh the material is just awful, can we return it?" Or even said it just wasn't his style, then it wouldn't have been an issue and I wouldn't have wasted my money etc. He knows that I get great pleasure in getting nice things for people and making them happy with little or big gifts/experiences/surprises, so it feels especially un-gentle to throw it back in my face like this. Like, what reaction did he expect, is what I'm wondering!

Sorry just saw your update, he sounds like hard work. I’d enjoy being spoiled and just get him vouchers from now on!

@thecatinthetwat

It sounds as though some resentment has built up. Whilst I agree he’s being a bit of a dick by splurting it out at this point, I would take heed. Don’t buy him or even suggest clothes as he doesn’t like it . Plus buy him something far cheaper!

This is the infuriating thing, he'll say he wants me to have a look for clothes or shoes for him and "values" my opinion, to send him ideas or to go looking round shops with him, says I have lovely taste (in a general sense but still) and then this? Just don't ask me to look or give an opinion when you actually want to be left to your own devices and buy your own clothes. I would hate having clothes bought for me by most people, but I always make hints or direct "I would really like x y z" comments to people when they ask what I want so no one is going to buy me something I don't want to receive!

I remember my ex husband having a real go at me for buying him some holiday clothes. I thought I was doing a nice thing. But apparently it was controlling and he was capable of choosing his own clothes
Turns out he was having an affair, and was using any excuse to have a pop at me, as then it justified the affair (in his head anyway!).
OP, I obviously don't mean that your partner is being unfaithful It's just funny the things that certain posts can trigger.

If he is wearing it he probably likes it, wondering if he mentioned to a friend that you'd put it, and they have a ridiculous spiel about how it's controlling or whatever. Not excusing him, as he sounds ungrateful and he should have said when you asked if he wanted it returning, but it's probably something petty like that. I can see why it's hurtful though, I don't buy DH anything unless he asks, as it often doesn't get used.

@eatsleepread

I remember my ex husband having a real go at me for buying him some holiday clothes. I thought I was doing a nice thing. But apparently it was controlling and he was capable of choosing his own clothes Turns out he was having an affair, and was using any excuse to have a pop at me, as then it justified the affair (in his head anyway!). OP, I obviously don't mean that your partner is being unfaithful It's just funny the things that certain posts can trigger.

Oh what a pig! Fully sympathise and relate, having a father who had an affair for 10+ years but maintains to this day he was just friends with the mistress and would go on like that, justifying his behaviour because of some arbitrary bs that me or my mum had supposedly done to drive him away. Men! Too bloody difficult at the best of times

Well now you know what not to do in future, But not sure why you would spend a lot of money on a present such as this,as you were not really flushed with money at the time. Buying clothes for someone is always a problem anyway. Just buy small next time, like a pair of socks !!

Just tell him to give you a list, or he won’t get a present

I'm sorry, OP.

It doesn't sound like you could have succeeded, OP. I don't want to be a drama llama but could it be a way of control or 'keeping you on your toes' - you either got the 'wrong' thing, spend too much, too little, show how you don't 'know' him by not automatically knowing what he likes or something else because he won't give a list and you should 'know' him. If you are a PG student then I would only expect a token and no one 'nice' would have communicated in the way he did. If you carry on together, I'd go for an affordable restaurant that you enjoy too, as a PP suggested.

If you are busy with PG studies, you don't need to spend additional time to pick mysterious clothes that an enigma may choose to like.

I'm sorry, OP, as you seem really nice and tried to make a financial and temporal effort which should have been appreciated. TBH, even if he didn't like the coat, he should have politely managed an exchanged a feigned liking it after so long.

Good luck.

I’m sorry, but I am laughing a little bit at the idea of the two of you arguing about a coat during this insane heatwave! It must be buried way back in the cupboard at the moment, what on earth made him suddenly think of it?!

One thing that stood out for me is the idea that you say you went without things you wanted and made sacrifices to get him this present. He is a grown adult, not a child who will be teased at school for getting cheap Christmas presents. Please don’t spend more on him than you can reallly afford.

@Zilla1

I'm sorry, OP.

It doesn't sound like you could have succeeded, OP. I don't want to be a drama llama but could it be a way of control or 'keeping you on your toes' - you either got the 'wrong' thing, spend too much, too little, show how you don't 'know' him by not automatically knowing what he likes or something else because he won't give a list and you should 'know' him. If you are a PG student then I would only expect a token and no one 'nice' would have communicated in the way he did. If you carry on together, I'd go for an affordable restaurant that you enjoy too, as a PP suggested.

If you are busy with PG studies, you don't need to spend additional time to pick mysterious clothes that an enigma may choose to like.

I'm sorry, OP, as you seem really nice and tried to make a financial and temporal effort which should have been appreciated. TBH, even if he didn't like the coat, he should have politely managed an exchanged a feigned liking it after so long.

Good luck.

Thank you such a kind reply! I do feel a bit stifled and under the thumb right now, I don't think there was a course of action that would've been perfectly right whatever I had done. He is generally quite a domineering person, which normally I don't mind at all and doesn't cause friction, it isn't usually a problem, but it does feel a little bit like a control/domineering thing in this instance that has caused friction. I wouldn't have cared a jot had he said something at the time, I have always actively encouraged him to say he wants a return or an exchange at any gift giving time, not wanting to ever waste my money or make anyone disappointed. I think I've tried too hard and been foolish to do so, and in future it will only be a token or a voucher or an experience like going out to eat unless he asks. Unfortunately this conversation and upset is going to come to mind whenever it's a gift giving occasion with him for a little while I feel, as now I feel resentful. Thank you to everyone for replying, I really value your opinions & help!

@CheetasOnFajitas

I’m sorry, but I am laughing a little bit at the idea of the two of you arguing about a coat during this insane heatwave! It must be buried way back in the cupboard at the moment, what on earth made him suddenly think of it?!

One thing that stood out for me is the idea that you say you went without things you wanted and made sacrifices to get him this present. He is a grown adult, not a child who will be teased at school for getting cheap Christmas presents. Please don’t spend more on him than you can reallly afford.

I know! It is absolutely ridiculous, the fact isn't lost on me! The only reason I even bought him something out of season like that was because he'd said he was going to buy it for himself, that it was actually his taste, and that there was a slight discount so I thought it'd end up selling out before it became seasonal gear. He said on Saturday he'd been dreading the conversation and that he had to bring it up, which obviously it's been on his mind since June! Which is crazy! Why let it snowball like this!