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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU over this gift reaction?

70 replies

thedark1 · 10/08/2020 18:12

DP's birthday was back in June, and the same day as our anniversary. I wanted to make it special for him, and get thoughtful but "naice" presents for him. He's really fussy, and has never given me hints/ideas about what he ever wants as a gift (so agonisingly difficult to buy for!) to make sure I wasn't gonna miss the mark completely, I sent photos of/suggested the things I was going to buy him (this time a nice coat he said he liked and was thinking of buying for the colder weather amongst other things) so I thought instead of him spending three figures on a coat when he'd usually buy other things, I'd treat him instead so his hard earned money could go on games or whatever he usually spends his money on. When I gave him his gifts I said if he wanted to return or exchange anything no offense would be taken, and I kept the packaging and receipts for the whole time a refund/exchange would still be available. He said he liked the gifts etc and no didn't want to return so I thought I'd hit a home run with my choices.

Fast forward to Saturday night, when just before we fell asleep he started going on about how he didn't want me buying him clothes, I was forcing a certain style on him, he only said he liked that coat and was thinking of buying it to placate me (keep in mind he usually says when he dislikes my suggestions on anything, clothes included, so why not this time?) I felt exasperated and like my efforts, money, and time had been wasted (I'm a PG student with very little money and had sacrificed things I wanted for him to have nice presents) I asked him to tell me in future what he DOES want, even vague hints, because I'm not a mindreader! Cue his ramblings of me being over sensitive and it being my fault. I realise there are bigger issues but I am quite upset at this, I don't feel it was an issue that even needed to be brought up, why didn't he just wait until closer to Christmas and give me a more prescriptive list so I didn't make any "mistakes"? Did it really need to be brought up two months after the fact, when I can't do anything about the bloody stupid coat now?

OP posts:

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 08:23

@CorianderLord

I don't get why he's so scared of you 'getting upset'? People get upset in arguments, it's ok, it's allowed. It's human.

Does he want you to be a cold robot?

I think it's not wanting me to hurt, which is kind enough but obviously him keeping something to himself to the point where it explodes (like this weekend!) isn't healthy and will only make me more upset because it's such a bigger issue than if he'd said in June that it wasn't his taste, or the material was itchy or whatever. I do suspect it's also partially because he doesn't necessarily want to deal with my upset sometimes, which is upsetting in itself, really.

OP posts:

Looneytune253 · 11/08/2020 08:24

DH and I have been together 20 years almost and i can't buy him clothes he's just too fussy lol.

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 08:25

@Arrivederla

I don't want to sound negative op but it might be a good idea to step back slightly and have a good think about your relationship.

This kind of man (domineering/controlling) tends to get worse with age rather than better. You sound absolutely lovely, but given the issues that you had growing up with your father your boundaries as to what is acceptable in a relationship might be slightly skewed.

Good luck with everything anyway.

Thank you, you've given me much to think about, thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. I have tried my best to pinpoint the flaws/signs of my dad's nastiness and avoid them like the plague in other people, but obviously things manifest in different ways in different people, so perhaps I haven't quite managed it!

OP posts:

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 08:29

@Ameanstreakamilewide

I once bought my husband a very rare and very bloody expensive birthday present. Which was also in Oregon, so the delivery cost me a fair bit of moolah as well.

He just mumbled 'thanks', like I'd passed him the remote control for the telly.

I wasn't expecting a Blue Peter badge and rose petals strewn at my feet, but that was a seriously underwhelming and ungrateful response.

And it wasn't the only time he's done it with special gifts that I've bought for him, either. So now i just get him bland, crappy presents.

Well you sound absolutely lovely and I'm sorry you got such a lukewarm reaction, it's shit buying something with hope and excitement for someone and thinking you've hit it out of the park and getting such a mediocre reaction. Christmas in particular is a holiday I love, but have my own struggles with because of my childhood, so I've done my best to make it a positive and exciting time again as an adult. I don't feel so positively about it now, because all the renewed joy I had about buying thoughtful, nice presents is now just going to be a source of doubt and insecurity. But yes, bland and crappy presents are definitely the way forward, although I have a feeling that will end up not being right either.

OP posts:

SuzieCarmichael · 11/08/2020 08:55

You’re tying yourself up in knots trying to ‘do the right thing’ and please him all the time, fitting yourself into the little gaps he leaves for you in between his demands and preferences and silences. This is no way to live, OP.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 11/08/2020 09:05

I wouldn't go that far, thedark1! 😉

But bless you for saying it though; that's very sweet of you.

The only piece of advice that I can offer you is to apply 'once bitten twice shy'.

Socks slippers for the ungrateful toerag from now on! 👍

scubadive · 11/08/2020 09:11

He sounds ungrateful and spoilt and actually nit very nice.

Does he respect you op?

scubadive · 11/08/2020 09:17

I think you are being too kind to him here, you say He didn’t want to upset you but you sent him pics of your plans before you bought the coat. How is saying he likes something before you buy it, so you waste a lot of money and then telling you when it’s too late for a refund he doesn’t like it, how is this actions of someone not wanting to hurt you. It sounds like the actions are someone who takes the easiest option at all times with no regard for your feelings. I hate being lied to, most people do.

Whitney168 · 11/08/2020 09:21

Not an attack, just an idle query which may well be entirely off the mark ...

To take a slightly different angle on this ... your use of "naice" and his reference to you trying to force a style on him. Is there any possibility that you might like a certain look (can't think of a better example of a 'look' that I've seen men copy, so I'll say the Peaky Blinders type style) and you wanted him to wear that, but he feels a bit out of place in it?

If I'm way off the mark, ignore me!

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 09:39

@Whitney168

Not an attack, just an idle query which may well be entirely off the mark ...

If I'm way off the mark, ignore me!

If he'd said he disliked the coat when I sent him a picture/suggested it, I wouldn't have bought it for him. He's an adult with his own ideas about clothes and everything else, I meant "naice" as in what I perceived to be spoiling him for his bday/our anniversary. He said he was actually thinking of buying this coat himself, so I figured that I was saving him the money so he could use it on other things like games or whatever whilst still owning the coat, which he told me he really liked. I could understand a bit more had he 1) not seen the coat at all and I'd never asked or suggested it or anything like it or 2) he'd told me he disliked it and I'd bought it anyway!

OP posts:

Muuuuuuuum · 11/08/2020 09:57

My DH doesn't like me to be upset which for a long time I thought was kind and caring.

But am realising I suppress all my negative emotions to avoid upsetting him. This has the effect of him getting what he wants and I can't complain because I didn't say anything at the time.

Be wary of falling into a trap where you tie yourself in knots to please him, or deny your feelings so he won't think you are being over sensitive.

(I don't think my DH deliberately orchestrated this situation but I have enabled it and to change it now would be far harder than just to have always clearly stated my feelings - like a lie that has got too big to undo.)

I'm not sure if this is relevant to your situation or not, but it came to mind reading your thread.

Boohoohoohooho · 11/08/2020 10:34

You are married to this guy - if gift buying is this fraught then maybe the two of you need to sit down and agree to only buy presents for each other together.

I don't like present shopping and I don't like receiving gifts most of the time. If I want something I like to buy it myself. If I see something that I know someone will love then I'll buy it but that's on an ad hoc basis.

I wish Christmas didn't involve presents - at least for adults - It would be less stressfully and more enjoyable.

WiltedWillows · 11/08/2020 10:37

Take the coat back, get a refund and spend the money on yourself

FeedMeSantiago · 11/08/2020 10:47

I'd put a tenner in his card next time, ungrateful sod.

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 10:49

@Boohoohoohooho

You are married to this guy - if gift buying is this fraught then maybe the two of you need to sit down and agree to only buy presents for each other together.

I wish Christmas didn't involve presents - at least for adults - It would be less stressfully and more enjoyable.

Oh sorry to clarify we aren't married, he's my partner/boyfriend not my husband! I have in the past said "Well would you like me to buy it for Christmas/Birthday?" when we're in a shop and he's gravitated to something (clothes, games, whatever you name it) and he will say no and not to bother, so it's really difficult to work out what to get. I thought I'd got it right by getting a positive response from him when I showed him this coat and he said he would buy it himself and enthused about it. So now I think I'll be buying him nothing unless he gives me hints/tells me specifically. Until then it'll be socks and underwear!

OP posts:

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 10:51

@FeedMeSantiago

I'd put a tenner in his card next time, ungrateful sod.

An excellent suggestion! It'll be boring money and a pair of slippers unless he says what he actually wants. I know myself that I am a difficult person to buy for and quite fussy, so I always tell people ideas of what I want/need if asked, or I ask for money, then there's no one wasting their money. Why he can't do the same I don't know!

OP posts:

Boireannachlaidir · 11/08/2020 10:59

As you've said yourself "you can't do right for wrong" he's setting you up to fail over a bloody gift!

I've seen my lovely friends do this where they fall over themselves to spoil or treat their partners and it's just not been appreciated. It's dispiriting. I can assure you that you'd get the same amount of grief if you got nothing it out no thought or effort into it. In short, you can't win.

As a PP says I'd be massively assessing this relationship and if it turns out okay, good but if there are other aspects not great then I'd be making sure it was the last time I gave him a gift at all let alone a nice expensive coat!

Motoko · 11/08/2020 11:09

He said he was actually thinking of buying this coat himself, so I figured that I was saving him the money so he could use it on other things like games or whatever whilst still owning the coat, which he told me he really liked.

See, it's this that makes me think this is about something else. It's not because he doesn't like the coat.
Another thing that worries me, is that he waited until you went to bed before bringing it up. Abusive men use this tactic, it's to stop you sleeping.

Original poster

thedark1 · 11/08/2020 11:14

@Motoko

I really do hate that it was late at night. We'd had a lovely day up until then, he'd brought me a nice little surprise on Saturday morning, we went out for a nice dinner with my mum on the evening (they both get along splendidly so there wasn't any tension there to cause him to be in a bad mood) then came home, he went up to bed in a perfectly happy mood and I followed 30 mins or so later and just as I climbed into bed it all spilled out like he was a child holding something in that had upset them at school or something if that makes sense. It was so out of nowhere which added to my upset, because it ruined the night and eventually the whole weekend. I don't know what else could be going on, he is worried about his job security at the moment (isn't everyone?) which is the only thing I could think of that is causing him to be in a bad place and subsequently taking out on me which is also obviously not okay!

OP posts:

ThickFast · 12/08/2020 09:00

The timing of that is horrible. There’s just no reason for him to do that apart from to cause maximum upset.

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