AIBU over this gift reaction?

[thedark1]

DP's birthday was back in June, and the same day as our anniversary. I wanted to make it special for him, and get thoughtful but "naice" presents for him. He's really fussy, and has never given me hints/ideas about what he ever wants as a gift (so agonisingly difficult to buy for!) to make sure I wasn't gonna miss the mark completely, I sent photos of/suggested the things I was going to buy him (this time a nice coat he said he liked and was thinking of buying for the colder weather amongst other things) so I thought instead of him spending three figures on a coat when he'd usually buy other things, I'd treat him instead so his hard earned money could go on games or whatever he usually spends his money on. When I gave him his gifts I said if he wanted to return or exchange anything no offense would be taken, and I kept the packaging and receipts for the whole time a refund/exchange would still be available. He said he liked the gifts etc and no didn't want to return so I thought I'd hit a home run with my choices.

Fast forward to Saturday night, when just before we fell asleep he started going on about how he didn't want me buying him clothes, I was forcing a certain style on him, he only said he liked that coat and was thinking of buying it to placate me (keep in mind he usually says when he dislikes my suggestions on anything, clothes included, so why not this time?) I felt exasperated and like my efforts, money, and time had been wasted (I'm a PG student with very little money and had sacrificed things I wanted for him to have nice presents) I asked him to tell me in future what he DOES want, even vague hints, because I'm not a mindreader! Cue his ramblings of me being over sensitive and it being my fault. I realise there are bigger issues but I am quite upset at this, I don't feel it was an issue that even needed to be brought up, why didn't he just wait until closer to Christmas and give me a more prescriptive list so I didn't make any "mistakes"? Did it really need to be brought up two months after the fact, when I can't do anything about the bloody stupid coat now?

This is the infuriating thing, he'll say he wants me to have a look for clothes or shoes for him and "values" my opinion, to send him ideas or to go looking round shops with him, says I have lovely taste (in a general sense but still) and then this?

I would wonder if he has totally misrepresented his real objection to you buying him clothes as a present (maybe to himself as well as to you). Given what you've said about giving him the opportunity to replace it, asking him about, him asking you for advice, etc. I wonder if he just really like buying clothes for himself, likes the process, likes making the decision etc. That it's not really so much that you buying clothes is controlling, but that he doesn't like the coat as much because part of the experience of having a nice item is that he gets to go through the buying process and he doesn't have that connection to the coat you bought him.

One final thing, OP, and at the risk of me being a drama llama, you mention him being a a bit domineering. If you're younger in particular, don't forget your DP should want you to grow, be the full 'you' that you can be, be interested in your opinion and give and take.

They shouldn't be domineering and looking to make you feel uncertain and on your toes.

I don't want to suggest fundamental issues might exist where they don't but you'll see threads from other people who've ended up without self-confidence and constantly walking on egg shells, trying to please someone else. It might be nothing but make sure you don't suppress your self.

Hope the PG studies go well.

Good luck.

As you say he's said previously that he values your opinion on clothes and asks for help, it seems strange that he's now said this. It makes me think there's something else going on (an affair maybe?) and he's using it to have a go at you, so he feels justified in his actions, whatever they are.

Also, you say he's domineering, that's a red flag I'm afraid. You say it's usually not a problem, would that be when you go along with him? Does it become a problem when you want to do something else, or disagree with him?

@Motoko

As you say he's said previously that he values your opinion on clothes and asks for help, it seems strange that he's now said this. It makes me think there's something else going on (an affair maybe?) and he's using it to have a go at you, so he feels justified in his actions, whatever they are.

Also, you say he's domineering, that's a red flag I'm afraid. You say it's usually not a problem, would that be when you go along with him? Does it become a problem when you want to do something else, or disagree with him?

Usually I'm happy to go along with him, as there are actually few things we disagree on, so usually it genuinely isn't a problem, it is however when I do disagree that there's an issue (could be coincidental, could be a red flag, could be both, I realise!) I don't think there is any unfaithfulness going on, we are both always very open and use eachother's phones to look things up or find things etc with no issues, and there aren't any other usual or typical signs of infidelity, I would like to think I would be able to suspect quite easily, growing up with a father who had an affair for 10 plus years and I was always the one catching his lies etc with a sixth sense if you will. Perhaps there is something else going on though, infidelity or otherwise! Or there's nothing and he's just being an arse!

@Zilla1

One final thing, OP, and at the risk of me being a drama llama, you mention him being a a bit domineering. If you're younger in particular, don't forget your DP should want you to grow, be the full 'you' that you can be, be interested in your opinion and give and take.

They shouldn't be domineering and looking to make you feel uncertain and on your toes.

I don't want to suggest fundamental issues might exist where they don't but you'll see threads from other people who've ended up without self-confidence and constantly walking on egg shells, trying to please someone else. It might be nothing but make sure you don't suppress your self.

Hope the PG studies go well.

Good luck.

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your thoughts and you've given me lots to genuinely think about and act on, thank you for being so kind and taking the time to reply with such measured thoughtful responses to me, you have raised a lot of ideas I hadn't realised/thought of!

That sounds a very calculated thing of him to do. It’s really weird and sounds deliberately hurtful. Like you say, if he’s said it at the time, it wouldn’t be a problem. But now it’s like he has power over you as you can’t return the coat. Like there’s no way to fix the issue. Really mean of him.

I honestly could not be arsed investing time in this person or relationship. It all just sounds incredibly hard work and I don’t want to live like that.

I hope the coat keeps him warm when he's sleeping in the garden the ungrateful little shite.
Lighthearted about the garden of course.
I'd take the coat back
And see if they can do a gift card. He's just being rude and insensitive.

He’d get fuck all in future.

He sounds Like a petulant child

My husband behaved this way a few years ago, threw his gifts on the floor and said that he didn't like them in front of our disappointed young children. I vowed to never bother again. It was his birthday last week. He asked for a specific watch I replied, "no thanks if you want it, then buy it yourself. " He said that wasnt nice and I asked him why he didn't buy me a present but wants one himself?! The silence was telling!

@SpillTheTeaa

I hope the coat keeps him warm when he's sleeping in the garden the ungrateful little shite. Lighthearted about the garden of course. I'd take the coat back And see if they can do a gift card. He's just being rude and insensitive.

I agree on all fronts, especially the garden! I have had an apology but I just feel so deflated and trodden on that the apology doesn't mean much right now. I'm sure it'll pass, and when it comes to christmas he can ask for something or he'll get money or nothing! I just don't want to be sat at his parents' house on christmas morning and them think I've bought him crap presents or not put in effort because they usually remark how well I've picked, what fantastic taste I have and how much I spoil him, I think they might feel differently if he's unwrapping rubbish!

His delayed reaction sounds really weird...
Like it took him a while to decide how best to turn your nice gesture against you.
I agree with others there's something that seems a bit off about him.

Some people are "impossible to please". And it can escalate into abusive behaviour. If it's a pattern, beware...

Is he not just a control freak OP? It seems a red flag. Clearly he enjoys being in control of the situations his feelings, and yours. Not good, especially as it seems you are not even 'allowed' an opinion on how it has made you feel without him making it about himself.

What you did was generous and a nice thing to have done, and a very normal thing to have done. His response and general behaviour isn't. I'm sorry that you didn't get the response you deserved really and would be hurt myself. I certainly would be thinking about how happy this set up makes me though, rather than how I can best or better please him next time. Sounds like you only could if you paid deference to him and made him feel he was in charge . I wouldn't be making effort with gifts again.

Imagine kicking up that fuss then wearing it. Tragic little prat.

I just don't want to be sat at his parents' house on christmas morning and them think I've bought him crap presents or not put in effort because they usually remark how well I've picked, what fantastic taste I have and how much I spoil him, I think they might feel differently if he's unwrapping rubbish!

This is a kind of rubbish thing to have dictate what present you buy someone or to get stressed about. Impressing third parties isn’t the purpose of giving presents to your partner.

I would think a bit more about the domineering issue. Finding out he doesn’t like the present you bought is annoying when you thought you’d done well, but it isn’t really a big deal unless there is something else going on in your relationship.

Why do men always say women are 'over sensitive' for being upset when he's literally just had a go saying you're trying to force a certain style on him because you bought him a cost he said he liked?

I'd have commented that he rather seems like the one being over sensitive.

This relationship sounds like bloody hard work sorry but I'd be off it's the not being able to please him and the calculating way he delayed it for maximum impact. He sounds full of Hobson choice damned if you do and damned if you don't this is a covert narcissists trick to keep you unbalanced and questioning

I'm not saying your partner is but is worth a quick google

Why do you bother then every time.
Return the fucking coat. And next time just give him some money. So he can spend it on whatever.
Also; he is a dick for changing his mind later and then going all mental over it

If someone makes you feel this bad and conflicted about buying them a present- what is he like rest of the time?

This, yet again, is not about the coat but the whole relationship

@Dishwashersaurous

If someone makes you feel this bad and conflicted about buying them a present- what is he like rest of the time?

This, yet again, is not about the coat but the whole relationship

90% of the time we have a lovely relationship, we have excellent trust in each other (something I never thought I'd manage because of my father and the emotional environment I grew up in) he supports my studies, usually builds me up, is reliable, trustworthy, kind, we have the same ambitions and usually we have a lovely time whatever we're doing. There are however these issues or times we end up arguing, and often my supposed over sensitivity gets brought up, that he doesn't know what he can and can't say in case I get upset, that I need someone to talk to about processing things (which I am doing, and is a sensible suggestion I just wish it wasn't said in an argument as it sounds angry etc) I have always said he can tell me whatever he likes, but I don't have to like it, and that me being upset or angry shouldn't hold him back from having his opinion, me being upset about it is fundamentally my thing to deal with anyway iyswim. I really do like to think I'm a reasonable, kind person who is pretty alright to be in a relationship with, I have my bad days and there's no doubt about that, I've always been upfront with any potential relationship about any "issues" I have, I have the tendency to be quite anxious, but I am doing everything I can to keep that under control and help myself, for my own sake more than anyone else's. In short, 90% of the time things are lovely, but sometimes I do feel as though I can't do right for doing wrong, and I'm not given the "right" idea so I'm left fumbling in the dark hoping I've done right rather than wrong.

@dontgobaconmyheart

Is he not just a control freak OP? It seems a red flag. Clearly he enjoys being in control of the situations his feelings, and yours. Not good, especially as it seems you are not even 'allowed' an opinion on how it has made you feel without him making it about himself.

What you did was generous and a nice thing to have done, and a very normal thing to have done. His response and general behaviour isn't. I'm sorry that you didn't get the response you deserved really and would be hurt myself. I certainly would be thinking about how happy this set up makes me though, rather than how I can best or better please him next time. Sounds like you only could if you paid deference to him and made him feel he was in charge . I wouldn't be making effort with gifts again.

Imagine kicking up that fuss then wearing it. Tragic little prat.

I do sometimes feel a bit out of control of things. When we argue, often he wants his space either to walk somewhere or to not have to text for a little while or whatever, he'll want his silence, basically. That's perfectly fine, I'm more of a talker but we all do things differently, and I would never force someone to do anything that wasn't helping them whilst they were upset or whatever. My problem with it is that I'm not given a timeframe, so he won't say "I'll definitely drop you a text before bed, don't worry." That's all I'd need, and I realise he can't put a timeline on him being upset about something, but it would just (in my opinion, I could be unreasonable) be something of a compromise so I'm not sat worrying about him on top of being upset myself, and so I don't feel so powerless, there's times where I'm upset and I would much rather talk about it to him, but if I message or call or go to talk, it's like it isn't my decision to make that we talk yet? Does that make sense?

I once bought my husband a very rare and very bloody expensive birthday present. Which was also in Oregon, so the delivery cost me a fair bit of moolah as well.

He just mumbled 'thanks', like I'd passed him the remote control for the telly.

I wasn't expecting a Blue Peter badge and rose petals strewn at my feet, but that was a seriously underwhelming and ungrateful response.

And it wasn't the only time he's done it with special gifts that I've bought for him, either. So now i just get him bland, crappy presents.

I don't want to sound negative op but it might be a good idea to step back slightly and have a good think about your relationship.

This kind of man (domineering/controlling) tends to get worse with age rather than better. You sound absolutely lovely, but given the issues that you had growing up with your father your boundaries as to what is acceptable in a relationship might be slightly skewed.

Good luck with everything anyway.

I don't get why he's so scared of you 'getting upset'? People get upset in arguments, it's ok, it's allowed. It's human.

Does he want you to be a cold robot?

Next year, sponsor him a goat 🐐!