SAHM - I'm knackered

[Squashpocket]

I'm a sahm to my sons aged 3y and 2y and finding it hard work at the moment.

My 3 year old is...fairly intense. No matter how much I've tried he can't entertain himself at all. He was a clingy baby from birth and now he's 3 he's my shadow. He'll follow me around all day saying 'play with me' over and over or engaging in attention seeking behaviour (shouting, screaming, even hurting his brother). He's a bright boy and will engage in every activity I can throw at him, so to keep things running smoothly I lay on a series of fun and educational activities everyday. It works very well - the 3 year old is happy and learning and the 2 year old bumbles about playing with toys and doing the odd activity. Minimal fighting, screaming or snatching.

Problem is I'm knackered. It's like running a one woman pre-school with cooking, cleaning and shopping thrown in. I'm so bloody tired. The day starts at 6am and ends at 9pm, when I either collapse on the sofa or start prepping more activities for the next day 😭

Anyone else with a full on child with any advice? I've tried doing fewer activities during the day and trying to train him to play on his own, but he just can't. The kids end up fighting, destroying the house and we're all just unhappy. I used to do more play dates which helped, but we're not doing that at the moment due to COVID.

What sort of consequences/discipline are you using? Distracting him 24/7 doesn't solve your core problem, which is the attention seeking and violent behaviour.

Also, 9pm is a very late bedtime for 3 and 2 year olds, ours are both in bed by 7. Shifting that forwards might help with the burnout.

Persevere with getting them to play alone. It’s the only way to get your life back. My friend is the same but her Son is now 5 years old and can’t do anything alone. He won’t even push a car on a road for 5 seconds or go in soft play (pre Covid) without her and it’s exhausting and shows no sign of stopping.

Discipline is either natural consequences e.g. if he's swinging a toy around his head, he loses the toy. For any violent or aggressive behaviour he gets one warning and then 3 minutes on the step. If he persists after that he loses screen time in the evening.

Bedtime is 8pm, but he's often awake until 9pm and needs one of us to sit with him - he still can't go sleep on his own. If we leave him he's hysterical (always has been) and wakes his brother. Both boys only sleep 10 hours overnight (maybe it's genetic, I don't need lots of sleep either). When we put them down at 7:30pm they were up at 5am it even 4:30 and it was slowly killing me.

How do I get him to play alone?! I've been trying since he was born to no avail!

I have a five year old who is still crap at playing on his own. His five year old cousin is amazing at it.

I have come to the conclusion that some kids are just better at it than others. They can be 'trained' to an extent. Mine will now play alone for 30 mins if I say 'I'll join you after you've played on your own for a bit' but he will still gripe and moan. Basically he loves interaction at all times

The other thing I do is get out of the house as much as possible, parks, walks, bike, scooter

@MeredithJim

Persevere with getting them to play alone. It’s the only way to get your life back. My friend is the same but her Son is now 5 years old and can’t do anything alone. He won’t even push a car on a road for 5 seconds or go in soft play (pre Covid) without her and it’s exhausting and shows no sign of stopping.

My friends child is like this, cannot play alone and demands constant attention. Does my head in. Always talking in a aloud voice too. Luckily my child plays by themselves fairly well, but I'm not sure it's anything I did really. Apart from not offer instant attention. I use the this then that method.

Play over there and then I'll come and play in a minute etc etc etc

I would really work on the self-settling. It's not reasonable to make you sit with him to fall asleep and he needs to learn the skill for himself, it's not fair for him to be dependant on you

Do whatever you can to get downtime - so tv/food... do either of them still nap in the day?

My 4 year old is still pretty much like this although he has got a bit better over the last few months. We also still need to lay with him until he's asleep.

Only way I get downtime is nursery and tv/iPad here and there! I appreciate that might nursery might not work for you at the moment but I think some children are just built a bit this way.

My 15mo is showing signs of going the same way. It's relentless!

Yes, little one naps for 1.5 - 2 hours after lunch. He's so little trouble - plays on his own, naps and goes to sleep on his own, it doesn't make that much difference whether he's up or sleeping.

The 3 year old LOVES screens, so would be in front of the tv/iPad all day if given the chance. I allow a limited amount of educational tv during the day and he's allowed an hour of whatever he wants to watch after dinner. I wouldn't be comfortable doing more than that tbh and don't like using food to keep them quiet (my mum does this and I was an overweight child and teen. Don't know if it's related but I'd prefer not to do it).

When my two were this age - 2.5 year age gap I used to go out a lot. Especially in the summer. Garden or park or cheap days out. Lots of walking to exhaust them.
Usually resulted in tired children and a less messy house.
In the garden chalks were good. Water play. Even if the weather was bad we went out, suitably dressed.
Imo boys are like dogs they need to be thoroughly exercised.
As for playing alone that’s a hard one. Sometime after lunch I would put the tv on for an hour and have a rest in the front room.
Could you try a mud kitchen ?

Ooh and picnics. We would have them.

Fair enough on tv and food although I have found odd well timed box of raisins does help! Once mine dropped lunchtime nap I insisted on them sitting and doing something quiet post lunch - usually tv but as 2 very active boys they needed to rest. Any likelihood of pre school to give you a break or is it still closed post Covid?

Can you not put him in nursery some of the time? Sounds like he'd thrive with the activities and social interaction

Both my children went to some sort of part-time preschool by the time they were 3. Dd started at school nursery (2.5 hours each day) when she was 3.5. Ds went to a childminder 3 mornings a week from the age of 2.

Sahm with pre-schoolers absolutely need a break!

So we've now got (far) beyond the point where he finds any of our toys interesting in and of themselves. We have all the usual - sandpit, water table, playhouse, bikes, scooters, kitchen, farm, Lego, puzzles, games etc. Etc. Etc. I now have to dress the toys up and create games and scenarios around them to even get him to look at them. He loves pretend play, sports, games anything with competition, but he just cannot do it by himself. If I pause to take a breath during a game he'll say 'play with me, why aren't you playing with me'. Honestly it's relentless and exhausting.

If I'd only had experience of a child like my second son, I'd think I was exaggerating. The difference between my more self sufficient child and my extrovert eldest is incredible.

Sometimes you just have to be a bit brutal and at 3 he's old enough to understand, i.e. "Go away and play for 10 minutes, I'm having a cup of tea. " Or you could try using bribery. Tell him that if he can play by himself in the sitting room without moaning for 20 mins, you'll take him to the playground.

What sort of toys does he like? Brio? Duplo? Can you start by setting him up with an activity and then disappearing?

My son (almost 3) is starting to drop his nap so I'm instituting quiet time for an hour every afternoon... Stairgate shut upstairs, toys and books in his room and no yelling for me (though he talks quite a lot to himself which I find funny). But he was used to being shoved in a playpen and ignored for a bit when he was younger (not for hours!) so this isn't much of a change for him.

He was is pre-school for 2 days a week pre-COVID, but we're not doing that now as we want to continue seeing my elderly mother who is on her own since the death of my father last year. Both kids were absolute germ factories when they were in nursery and I don't mind taking the risk, but I won't expose my mother to it.

He doesn't have ANY favourite toys - is just generally uninterested in them. He likes his bike and football, but can't do either on his own.

@Squashpocket you need to nip this in the bud. He needs to be able to entertain himself or he's going to really struggle. Start putting your foot down.

Does he have a wooden train set? That, combined with endless Thomas the Tank Engine episodes, has kept DS busy for hours?

By putting my foot down, what specifically would you do? I have tried to insist on him playing alone but his behaviour became much, much worse and we were all miserable. I'm not sure what I should do?

@Reluctantcavedweller yes we do - he won't play with it, apparently it's boring. This week I've tried to get him playing with it by setting it up and covering it with cotton balls - look it's snowing! And combining it with Duplo to make hills and whatnot. He liked it a bit but I was heavily involved. He's never shown an interest in Thomas. He quite likes superheroes and pretending to laser beam me lol.

My ds’s nursery used cosmic kids yoga with them and it’s really good for introducing yoga and even meditation. Sounds nuts but she’s really good and it’s worth your son learning techniques to focus/calm as he‘ll need them for school.

I hear you; it's exhausting.

Do you have plans for him to attend nursery once Covid allows? I think he'd love it, and you'd get a break / some time with DC2.