SAHM - I'm knackered

[Squashpocket]

I'm a sahm to my sons aged 3y and 2y and finding it hard work at the moment.

My 3 year old is...fairly intense. No matter how much I've tried he can't entertain himself at all. He was a clingy baby from birth and now he's 3 he's my shadow. He'll follow me around all day saying 'play with me' over and over or engaging in attention seeking behaviour (shouting, screaming, even hurting his brother). He's a bright boy and will engage in every activity I can throw at him, so to keep things running smoothly I lay on a series of fun and educational activities everyday. It works very well - the 3 year old is happy and learning and the 2 year old bumbles about playing with toys and doing the odd activity. Minimal fighting, screaming or snatching.

Problem is I'm knackered. It's like running a one woman pre-school with cooking, cleaning and shopping thrown in. I'm so bloody tired. The day starts at 6am and ends at 9pm, when I either collapse on the sofa or start prepping more activities for the next day 😭

Anyone else with a full on child with any advice? I've tried doing fewer activities during the day and trying to train him to play on his own, but he just can't. The kids end up fighting, destroying the house and we're all just unhappy. I used to do more play dates which helped, but we're not doing that at the moment due to COVID.

I tell mine to go away, Mummy's busy. Or I bribe him to leave me alone for a set time (measured with a timer, he likes running to find me when it's over). If he misbehaves during that time, he's put in time out. I think it's ok for them to learn at this age that they're not the centre of the world.

Yes, we tried cosmic yoga, but they both thought it was initially hilarious and climbed all over me and then started fighting. I don't think they're very 'zen' boys.

Allow more screen time. Go easy on yourself.

In a year or so they'll play together.

@Squashpocket

By putting my foot down, what specifically would you do? I have tried to insist on him playing alone but his behaviour became much, much worse and we were all miserable. I'm not sure what I should do?

Stick with it. Use a reward system. Reason with him that now he's a big boy he doesnt need you to play all the time.

Like any habit, it takes time to break. So you just need to be really consistent for a month or so until he gets used to it.

Does he have any concept of time? So if you say, play for ten mins, when the big hand on the clock is at X time I'll come and join you and then gradually lengthen the time?

Or if not one of those sand egg timers?

I understand how difficult it is, at 3 he might be a bit young for the above and simply telling mine to go away really didn't work. Or perhaps I didn't persevere enough? But he was a stubborn little bugger. Sounds like yours is too.

@Squashpocket. Cosmic yoga didn't work for us here either .

Honestly you’ve removed preschool form him which is a huge outlet with lots of playing together with other children. No wonder his all over you if he needs interaction. Your going to have to either put up or give in on the tv I reckon.

How long are you going to be keeping him off? It sounds like her really needs it and a bit unfair for him to miss out when you could distantly see your mum tbh. Schools all go back next month anyway so I’d expect preschool to want him in or you to lose his space.

By putting my foot down, what specifically would you do? I have tried to insist on him playing alone but his behaviour became much, much worse and we were all miserable.

It's a vicious cycle though. He doesn't know how to entertain himself so he wants constant entertainment from you. So he behaves badly unless you provide constant entertainment. You provide said entertainment and he learns that behaving badly gets him what he wants. But because you provide constant entertainment he still doesn't learn how to entertain himself. The only way to break that cycle is for him to experience short periods of boredom, during which he will eventually work out how to amuse himself. He will kick off initially because that's worked well for him previously but it's short term pain for long term gain.

So my eldest has asd and cannot do pretend play unless an adult is basically doing it for her. I'm not saying your son has asd by the way I'm just using it as an example.

When dd2 came along it was a big eye opener for me. I knew most children played but I did not realise that my dd1 had never ever played by herself! It just became normal for me to entertain her.

I really sympathise as your ds sounds very similar and it honestly nearly killed me. It wasn't so much having to constantly play (which I don't enjoy let's be honest) it was also that she would follow me around and talk and talk and talk. When she wasn't talking she was making noises. I tried everything I could to get her to play alone or entertain herself for 10 minutes but she just couldn't. It's partly because of this that I had my suspicion that she has asd. No one we know agrees/believes she has asd as she seems the most confident, social person but if you really watch her it's all mimicking.

She was loved at nursery (and is at school) because she would be so good, follow all the rules 100% and do her own thing and they just couldn't see that she had asd. Well I asked them what has she actually done all day, what has she played with as il get that for home and turns out they couldn't tell me, she mostly wandered around. The only thing she did was crafts and drawing. I soon realised that she did this at home, she still asked for input from me and for me to do it and still does but she can and will do it alone. She does not play in the traditional sense at all but spends all her time crafting and building.

I am honest with her now that adults do not really want to play all day and playing is for children. I am brutal with that as I was on my knees. It sounds harsh but I was not being the mum I can be because I was so frustrated and exhausted. Now we are all happier. Don't get me wrong it's no where near solved but it's better. Especially as she ages. She can now craft, draw, build lego, read on her own.

We buy her loads of interesting craft kits and she loves them. We go to the scrap shop and she goes wild in there and will go home and create models and pictures. She wants to be an architect apparently and designs buildings and makes them.

So what I'm trying to say is some children do not/can not play as we expect but if you and they find what they do like to do, explore their interests then you can get some peace.

As for dd2 she just plods along, no bother, playing dolls, barbies or whatever, doing her own thing. Bless her.

At the moment I schedule 1 hour of 'free play' per day where he has to choose an activity, but it doesn't ever happen. I try to set him up with something, then he follows me around repeating play with me, then has a tantrum, then he starts taking the sofas apart, noise making and fighting with his brother. Then the hours up and we go back to doing more structured activities.

At one point I drastically reduce the amount of structured activities for about 2 weeks and his behaviour was appalling. I think he felt I didn't love him anymore.

My DD is 4 and in fairness now plays pretty well on her own, she can definitely potter around with her dolls for a few half an hour chunks through the day. My advice for general coping would be get out the house as much as possible! Walks, beach, playground, and most importantly other children! DD is an only child so is good at making friends, if I need a break we go to the local playground and they'll either be children she already knows or she'll make a new friend or two and happily play for an hour. I also find plenty of play dates a life saver, especially with friends so we can have a good chat and a cup of tea while the children play.

I wouldnt use the "no screen time in the evening" as a consequence for kids that young. It will be ineffective, because they cant think that far ahead. They just literally dont give a dam about the evening
Also its mainly a punishment for yourself really.

Im not sure how you can train them to play more independently. DS was always really good at it. Well there was some moaning when he was around 1 year, but i just kept smiling and waving at him when he called and complained saying 'hi darling, im right over here' continuing with whatever it was i was doing. He gave up quite quickly.
DD is 4 now and still doesnt like to play alone, but i just explain it to her when i dont have time, then she eventually accepts it. She used to throw huge fits because of it, but if you persevere it will get better (at least it did for me).
My best friend has 2 kids (3 and 5) that cant be by themselves longer than 5mins. Its exhausting just watching her run after them and carry them around. She claims shes tried everything and her kids are just difficult in that area.
I dont really believe it, but i also dont want to get involved, because hers were always awesome sleepers and mine "were difficult in that area"

Could you encourage him to do more with the younger one?
Ask him to set up a game for the baby and play it with him. And then get him to help you with the chores, so that he's not having to sit by himself but will be doing something constructive - cleaning, dusting, pairing socks, whatever. Chopping mushrooms, shelling peas, counting out pieces of pasta, even!
The other thing is, and this is a long-term issue, you don't want give him the impression that it is your job to entertain him all the time. It's nice if you or his father can play with him sometimes, but he needs to develop self reliance. Don't solve this for him all the time. He needs to get bored sometimes to develop creativity, but also he needs to know that you won't respond to whining or bad behaviour. He should be able to understand that "now we are going to clear up the lunch things, and then I am going to sit down and have a cup of tea and read my emails. While I am doing that you can look at your book/do a jigsaw quietly for 10 minutes. Then we will go to the park/have a story/whatver it is. Be clear about your expectations, and don't be asking his permission.
As you're so tired, it doesn't make sense to chores once he's in bed, do them while he's up, and then you can relax in your free time.
But the reality is some kids are just hard work, and these are difficult times. It'll be better once he's in nursery and once his sibling is old enough to play with him.
I also think that on the whole, first born children are harder work generally speaking, maybe because you are still a rookie parent, but by the time number 2 comes along, they fall into an existing schedule, and you are more confident.
This will all pass, and fairly quickly. Most parents of small children are constantly exhausted, it's part of it, but it's all made so much more difficult for you because of Covid restrictions.

Also yes as a pp saud you need to be cruel to be kind here and put up with him kicking off but do not give in to the bad behaviour and play.
With my dd, she would protest and beg me to do her crafts with her and her behaviour because awful but I ignored it because we needed to break that cycle. If you give in they learn that behaviing badly leads to mum giving in.

Also yes nursery/school is needed for these children. They need that stimulation and interaction with others. I understand you are reluctant due to covid but it will really be in his best interests. My dd is a different child when school is closed and hugely benefits from the structure and entertainment it brings.

Can you schedule it during DC2's naptime? Then tell him he has to play quietly in his room because you're having a nap too and don't want to be disturbed.

@Squashpocket

At the moment I schedule 1 hour of 'free play' per day where he has to choose an activity, but it doesn't ever happen. I try to set him up with something, then he follows me around repeating play with me, then has a tantrum, then he starts taking the sofas apart, noise making and fighting with his brother. Then the hours up and we go back to doing more structured activities.

At one point I drastically reduce the amount of structured activities for about 2 weeks and his behaviour was appalling. I think he felt I didn't love him anymore.

Reward chart? Combine solo play with love bombing?

I've just read your next post, and can I say that you need to start really small. You cant expect him to play for an hour by himself, that's far too long. Start with 5 or 10 minutes and gradually increase it. Get a timer if you think it might help.

I hear you. My third (3yo) wants to do whatever I’m doing constantly. It’s like having a shadow. I’m going mad. She’s finally getting a bit better but it’s taken time. I’m writing this while she bounces a dinosaur all over me eating my dress.

In the short term these work for me. TV (Let go of the guilt, he’s getting plenty of interaction). Bike rides -get a trailer to put them in so they can sit and watch the world while you get some peace. Exercise to wear them out before TV. Having set hours when my dh plays with her while I hide.

Get someone to share the work. If you want to avoid nursery (I’m counting the days!) then find a friend and do play date swaps. It’s no extra work to have another child imo, sometimes it’s less as they play together. Then you can swap back and have a break. Even having another parent and kid around to play helps me as the adults talk and the kids play together, so it’s kind of a break.

In the long term, practicing doing things themselves for a bit longer each time. Mine know I don’t interact when I have a cup of tea in my hand. I keep reminding them and they’re learning gradually.

Start small - an hour is far too long.

Set up s puzzle, tell him you are going to wash up for 10 minutes and can he finish the puzzle before you.

Use his love of competition - set challenges for him to do whilst you get other things done. Just 10 minute sessions to begin with. Really praise him when it works.

Could he follow basic instructions for Duplo, or draw a picture of something specific? Sort washing into colours/pair socks etc. Give him a book for 10 minutes.

Get him to help with cooking, washing up etc, so at least you can get things done.

It sounds as though you have possibly gone a bit OTT is supplying activities and he can't cope without them.

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/teaching-kids-to-play-independently

This is really worth a read as it sounds like your kind of approach. It's about teaching him and facilitating independent play.
Spending a special 20 mins or so with him when he has your undivided attention might help keep him 'topped up' with attention.
I don't think there's anything wrong with also telling him that you are tired and need to sit down and rest. You're modelling responding to your own needs and those of others.
Good luck.

If you don’t want to get help with childcare, could you use the savings on domestic help? If you don’t want someone in your house, perhaps have the washing and ironing done? Spend money on cooking shortcuts, for example. Then you are saving the time somewhere.
Can you turn what you have to do into things you can do together? I have a nearly 2 year old and a nearly 3 year old and we sort the washing, hang it up, empty the dishwasher, hoover (they push random not plugged in bits of the hoover around). One task takes forever but I‘d be spending the time with them anyway. They’ve been emptying the dishwasher alone for months and have yet to hurt themselves or break anything (and they love putting the cutlery away).

@Serenschintte

When my two were this age - 2.5 year age gap I used to go out a lot. Especially in the summer. Garden or park or cheap days out. Lots of walking to exhaust them. Usually resulted in tired children and a less messy house. In the garden chalks were good. Water play. Even if the weather was bad we went out, suitably dressed. Imo boys are like dogs they need to be thoroughly exercised. As for playing alone that’s a hard one. Sometime after lunch I would put the tv on for an hour and have a rest in the front room. Could you try a mud kitchen ?

Totally agree with this. Park all day. Pack a quick picnic and tidy up before you go so that its nice when you get back. Park had 2 pools , toddler and older DC. Walk there and back if possible and run them ragged. Take coffee and stuff for you. Imho DC need plenty of exer ise to feel tired.

I will add to the voices that your son would really benefit from a return to nursery/pre school.

He would definitely learn to play/do activities without you which hopefully you can carry on at home. He sounds like a bright lad who needs lots of stimulation so why don't you let nursery help with some of that? Good luck.

I think we're just going to have to do more physical activity and outings. As far as I can see going out or doing structured activities are my only options. I was hoping to avoid constant walking, but I think with 2 boys it was not meant to be lol. The 3 year old just needs to be either exercising his body or brain at all times. I don't think he'll ever be happy with a quiet bit of Lego. Shame, I love Lego

Just give more screen time. Scheduling activities all day sounds a bit OTT. Also book one or both into nursery, tbh you've chosen this path of intense parenting all day, tv is harmless.