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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU friend not checking before inviting people

65 replies

Queen4 · 10/08/2020 13:06

I will try to make a long story short

I have lived in my house a few years but have never really invited friends just family with liking my own space.

A couple of years ago I started to come out of my shell and started inviting friends and I love to do so now.

Anyway one of my friends started recently just inviting people she knows along when she is invited here.

At first I invited her to a family party at my house knowing she was going to be on her own, she is so lovely I knew she would get on with everyone, 30 mins before arriving she tells me she had told an acquaintance of hers it was OK to pop in if they would like to, then 5 mins before arriving a family member and close friend of hers where apparently coming with her. I was really annoyed but didn't say anything because of how close in time it was to her coming.

We had a good night but I still felt a little put out by this as it wasn't asked it was just assumed it was going to be OK.

Fast forward a few months and this is now a pattern every time the are invited, she has always said to someone else I wouldn't mind if they popped along aswell, even though it's actually never a question that's asked I just get told.

Now it's become men just random men she goes out with always get told they are welcome to come and I have a partner and I get uncomfortable because I don't want him thinking I am just allowing random men to come to the house when he is not in.

In truth I don't know if IABU or if IANBU because it's just a recent thing of me inviting friends to the house, is this just how it goes when you invite friends.

IF IANBU how do I approach it without sounding like I am selfish and maybe loosing a friendship over it??

This is all pre lockdown house wise but now it's started with them coming to my garden

Sorry for the long explanation

OP posts:
princesshollysmagicalwand · 10/08/2020 13:08

I would hate that, and I would say no.

Queenfreak · 10/08/2020 13:08

YANBU! its incredibly rude, and I wouldn't be impressed at all.

Plumplumbadum · 10/08/2020 13:09

No, it's not normal for her to be randomly inviting other people along.
You need to tell her nicely it's not on.
It would certainly make me feel very uncomfortable, and make me rethink the friendship.

Shizzlestix · 10/08/2020 13:11

She is incredibly rude to invite people to your house. I would have to say something.

TheSandgroper · 10/08/2020 13:11

God no. She can entertain her randoms at HER house. Don't be shy. It gets you nowhere.

7yo7yo · 10/08/2020 13:11

Tell her not to invite anyone as you don’t like it. Establish strong boundaries.

IamMaz · 10/08/2020 13:12

I would hate this, OP

M0mmyneedswine · 10/08/2020 13:15

Incredibly rude of her

Winniewonka · 10/08/2020 13:17

Absolutely not! Next time you invite her to your place tell her you rather she didn't invite anybody else. Tell her it's you I want to see not random strangers. If she protests tell her she can see them anytime but it's her company you want.
The only exception I would make is if it's her Mum or sister and she has checked with you first to get permission.

katy1213 · 10/08/2020 13:18

Terribly rude and you should have said no the first time.

GinDrinker00 · 10/08/2020 13:23

Stop inviting her over.

Redlocks28 · 10/08/2020 13:26

Of course you’re not being unreasonable but whey haven’t you said anything to her? Why are you still inviting her?

SantaIsReal · 10/08/2020 13:30

How rude of her!
I would just say next time she is invited if she would come alone and use this whole COVID/Lockdown situation to your advantage.

thecatsthecats · 10/08/2020 13:32

Very annoying.

I have an old friend who turns our catch ups into including our entire old uni group to each and every part - including a girl I lived with for one year and barely spoke to fifteen years ago and haven't seen since.

I used to envy her for having so many friends until I recently realised that she's pathologically unable to let friendships drop and die a dignified death.

If she's worth hanging on to as a friend, I'd employ the tactic of inviting her around for a chat and saying you'd really like a catch up of just two of you, no hangers on.

It pays the compliment of wanting her attention whilst being specific about not bringing others. And don't invite her to get togethers for a while.

Angelina82 · 10/08/2020 13:33

This is terribly rude. She’s taking advantage of your nice nature so I would just stop inviting her if I were you.

Cloudfrost · 10/08/2020 13:34

The only thing YABU about is the fact you haven't told her to fuck off already...

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 10/08/2020 13:36

she is so lovely

No , she's a rude twat.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2020 13:38

You just tell her STOP BRINGING RANDOMS OR JUST STOP COMNG!

You've made it seem alright by not telling her before now so you'll need to be blunt!

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 13:46

Yes I thought this was the case that I have allowed it more than once so she thinks it's OK to just invite people along.

In truth I think I was alright with it until it became men. I started to cancel having her here and saying I will just come to you but I actually enjoy her company and we have a good giggle together and have realised that moving forward I was going to have to say something but I also felt that IABU by saying something.

I can be a little too strong minded and didn't know if this was the case this time and I was just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
SerendipityJane · 10/08/2020 13:46

They're not a friend.

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 13:48

@CuriousaboutSamphire

You just tell her STOP BRINGING RANDOMS OR JUST STOP COMNG!

You've made it seem alright by not telling her before now so you'll need to be blunt!

Yes I thought this was the case that I have allowed it more than once so she thinks it's OK to just invite people along.

In truth I think I was alright with it until it became men. I started to cancel having her here and saying I will just come to you but I actually enjoy her company and we have a good giggle together and have realised that moving forward I was going to have to say something but I also felt that IABU by saying something.

I can be a little too strong minded and didn't know if this was the case this time and I was just being over sensitive.

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 10/08/2020 13:52

Just tell her. I would have said something the second time it happened, if not the first. Blame social distancing if you like.

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 14:03

@StatementKnickers

Just tell her. I would have said something the second time it happened, if not the first. Blame social distancing if you like.
I really should have done the first time, it was a combination of me hosting a party I was stressed to start with then with the timing 5 mins before arriving she tells me she had 2 other people in tow with her, I honestly could have went mental my partner wasn't happy at all and it made an atmosphere with us for about 15 minutes and I know I should have pulled her to the side and said, you know they are here now so it's fine but next time I really need you to ask if this is OK, I know this is partly my fault for allowing it and now I have left it so long I felt I would sound unreasonable by bringing it up now even though it still happens
OP posts:
BigGee · 10/08/2020 14:07

You're definitely not being rude for not wanting random strangers appear in your home. I don't particularly understand why you didn't stomp on it the first time - my home, I DO THE INVITING!!! - but now that you've got yourself into the situation, the only way out is to be totally direct and tell her it's not acceptable, and that you will not allow her to appear with uninvited guests again. If she does, you need to just say, nope this isn't what we agreed XXXX, you know I invited you and you alone, and shut the door in her face. She's relying on you being caught on the back foot. Do the same to her and let her fix things with her randoms.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2020 14:09

Don't know if this is normal for different cultures but in Britain its really rude.