AIBU friend not checking before inviting people

[Queen4]

I will try to make a long story short

I have lived in my house a few years but have never really invited friends just family with liking my own space.

A couple of years ago I started to come out of my shell and started inviting friends and I love to do so now.

Anyway one of my friends started recently just inviting people she knows along when she is invited here.

At first I invited her to a family party at my house knowing she was going to be on her own, she is so lovely I knew she would get on with everyone, 30 mins before arriving she tells me she had told an acquaintance of hers it was OK to pop in if they would like to, then 5 mins before arriving a family member and close friend of hers where apparently coming with her. I was really annoyed but didn't say anything because of how close in time it was to her coming.

We had a good night but I still felt a little put out by this as it wasn't asked it was just assumed it was going to be OK.

Fast forward a few months and this is now a pattern every time the are invited, she has always said to someone else I wouldn't mind if they popped along aswell, even though it's actually never a question that's asked I just get told.

Now it's become men just random men she goes out with always get told they are welcome to come and I have a partner and I get uncomfortable because I don't want him thinking I am just allowing random men to come to the house when he is not in.

In truth I don't know if IABU or if IANBU because it's just a recent thing of me inviting friends to the house, is this just how it goes when you invite friends.

IF IANBU how do I approach it without sounding like I am selfish and maybe loosing a friendship over it??

This is all pre lockdown house wise but now it's started with them coming to my garden

Sorry for the long explanation

Stop inviting your rude friend she is taking the piss out of you.

How close are you? Would you be unhappy about not inviting her around anymore?

It’s not unreasonable to bring it up now.

You just need to be clear and avoid the judgy comments about her lifestyle.

I suggested some wording earlier - would you be comfortable saying that to her?

'Slag yourself about'

OP you need to tell her to stop blending her commitments into one. You invite who you want in your home and she can either come or carry on her plans with whoever else, or invite you all to her own home on a date of her choosing. It's staggeringly rude, and strange of her but I'm not sure how you will convey that as you'd permitted it for so long.

You've*

YANBU. But I wonder if it's worth finding out why she does it, as this may help you decide how to address it? E.g.

-She could be disorganised and keeps double booking you and these other people so has to either bring them along or drop out of one meeting at the last minute

-She could be from a different background/culture, and have grown up with this being normal with her friends/family

-She could know perfectly well you don't like it and is being inconsiderate/rude

I am totally comfortable addressing this with her i just didn't know if because I have let it go a few times whether saying something now just ends up in "well you are obviously fine with it since you have let it happen before"

Then to have to explain why I don't like it or say I feel uncomfortable with the men because of my partner I know her reaction will be well just tell him to f off they are hear with me not you and I also don't want her to feel like she isn't invited to my house anymore when all I am wanting to convey is, ask me first and if I am ok with whoever you want to bring that's fine and if the person you want to bring I am not OK with then we can change venue

Also alot of the time it's because I don't know these people at all and in truth she doesn't know them very well some she has been talking to for a couple of days and some she has been out once with, I don't know if they are trustworthy people, I just feel I should be asked first if I am OK with it, not sitting wondering when she is on her phone who she is telling that it's OK to come then leaving it until they either turn up or are 5 minutes away

I have always said if any of my friends asked why they maybe weren't invited to another friends house if I was there simply "it's not my house to invite you to, if they want to invite you they will"

Don’t wait til she does it again then tell her she’ll have to ininvite them, when you invite her tell her that it is her and her only that is invited. Make it clear from the start

@EnjoyingTheSilence

Don’t wait til she does it again then tell her she’ll have to ininvite them, when you invite her tell her that it is her and her only that is invited. Make it clear from the start

Yeah I get where you are coming from, I did consider just waiting and making her uninvite them, then I am putting her in an awkward position so maybe she wouldn't do it again but I then thought that's just petty and it's tit for tat

No one would feel you were being remotely unreasonable to ask your friend not to invite people to your house without asking first.

However, the fact that you say you were ok with it until it started being men who came along with her uninvited, that you offer as a reason for this that you don't want your boyfriend 'thinking you let random men into the house when he's not in', and that

if you want to slag yourself about please do that in your own house because that will most definitely end the friendship and her life is her life if that's what she wants to do it's none of my business but I don't want it being brought to my house

was even in your head at all, even if unvoiced, suggests some kind of puritanism that is a lot less understandable.

Unless there's something you're not saying, like your friend shagging her men friends in your loo on every visit.

I would keep your remarks to asking her not to bring people with her in future.

@Gubbeen I have never said that I was OK with any of it at any point I have said I have let it go without saying anything on every occasion I never knew anyone else was coming until she has already told them to come, sometimes I would find out 5 mins before they came sometimes I would find out when they turned up and get told, I told them to come cos they had nothing else to do etc. The only thing I haven't disclosed in this thread is that we both have kids which makes no difference to what's happening maybe apart from random strange men turning up.

I would never say that to her whether I wrote it on here or not I would never say it whether I think it which I am entitled to do I have never said it, if any of these men were serious or she knew them a bit better herself and could vouch for them I wouldn't feel as uncomfortable, I don't feel uncomfortable when I am at her house with my partner and a random man comes in cos that's her house to do as she pleases, this is my house I don't invite random so I feel she shouldn't either

In truth I think I was alright with it until it became men.

OP, you said this in your second post.

Then to have to explain why I don't like it or say I feel uncomfortable with the men because of my partner I know her reaction will be well just tell him to f off they are hear with me not you and I also don't want her to feel like she isn't invited to my house anymore when all I am wanting to convey is, ask me first and if I am ok with whoever you want to bring that's fine and if the person you want to bring I am not OK with then we can change venue

Say that you want it to be just the two of you so you can catch up. Also, say it when you invite her, don't wait until she has invited someone else.