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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU friend not checking before inviting people

65 replies

Queen4 · 10/08/2020 13:06

I will try to make a long story short

I have lived in my house a few years but have never really invited friends just family with liking my own space.

A couple of years ago I started to come out of my shell and started inviting friends and I love to do so now.

Anyway one of my friends started recently just inviting people she knows along when she is invited here.

At first I invited her to a family party at my house knowing she was going to be on her own, she is so lovely I knew she would get on with everyone, 30 mins before arriving she tells me she had told an acquaintance of hers it was OK to pop in if they would like to, then 5 mins before arriving a family member and close friend of hers where apparently coming with her. I was really annoyed but didn't say anything because of how close in time it was to her coming.

We had a good night but I still felt a little put out by this as it wasn't asked it was just assumed it was going to be OK.

Fast forward a few months and this is now a pattern every time the are invited, she has always said to someone else I wouldn't mind if they popped along aswell, even though it's actually never a question that's asked I just get told.

Now it's become men just random men she goes out with always get told they are welcome to come and I have a partner and I get uncomfortable because I don't want him thinking I am just allowing random men to come to the house when he is not in.

In truth I don't know if IABU or if IANBU because it's just a recent thing of me inviting friends to the house, is this just how it goes when you invite friends.

IF IANBU how do I approach it without sounding like I am selfish and maybe loosing a friendship over it??

This is all pre lockdown house wise but now it's started with them coming to my garden

Sorry for the long explanation

OP posts:
Girlzroolz · 10/08/2020 14:12

So now what will you do?

Either you have the conversation with her in person, risking she’ll bring someone else along even for that, or you write an email to her on the topic.

I suppose you could just stop inviting her, but it sounds like you aren’t that cross and really quite like her regardless of her lack of manners.

So email then?

Crunchymum · 10/08/2020 14:14

You don't sound like you can be "strong minded" if you need a thread to be told this is unacceptable and utterly taking the piss.

Random men? In your home? Fuck that!!

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 14:20

@Girlzroolz

So now what will you do?

Either you have the conversation with her in person, risking she’ll bring someone else along even for that, or you write an email to her on the topic.

I suppose you could just stop inviting her, but it sounds like you aren’t that cross and really quite like her regardless of her lack of manners.

So email then?

Most definitely to her face, I think written word can be taken the wrong way.

I will wait until the next time I invite her up and if she invites someone I will either go see her or if I don't have time in between I will call her and tell her point blank no that I have been blindsighted by this far too many times and if she wishes to have these people join us on that day I will come to her but unless I actually say to her before hand "why don't you invite XXXX along", she needs to know the invite only extends to her

If she comes alone I will then just broach the subject with her and tell her that when she comes and feels the need to invite other people she needs to ask me if it's OK before mentioning it to the other people, then I am not in an awkward position and she also doesn't put herself in a position having to disinvite the people she has told to come before asking.

I was just thinking because I have let it go on for so long was it now unreasonable to mention it

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 10/08/2020 14:22

Just tell her not to bring anyone else.

Jaxhog · 10/08/2020 14:22

Nope. It's very rude. I'd tell her to stop, and if she doesn't, don't invite her again.

DimidDavilby · 10/08/2020 14:23

I wouldn't be impressed with this behaviour. That being said I am a bit concerned by the way you are talking about your partner. Why would he be amgry with you about it?

AnnaSW1 · 10/08/2020 14:24

I'd just stop inviting her at all. What's she's doing is really rude

GoshHashana · 10/08/2020 14:27

Your mistake was not pulling her up on it the first time.

Rainbowshine · 10/08/2020 14:28

Very simple, if you do ever invite her again say the offer is for her only and you don’t want any extra guests to turn up.

We’ve had random guests come to parties and three weeks later we were burgled. The new boyfriend used it to check out what he could nick and sell easily and to find out when we were away as well. My friend who bought him along had the brazen attitude that it could not be him, until the fingerprints proved it. She went a bit distant after that.

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 14:31

@Crunchymum

You don't sound like you can be "strong minded" if you need a thread to be told this is unacceptable and utterly taking the piss.

Random men? In your home? Fuck that!!

The thread is because I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable by mentioning after allowing this more than once.

I am more cautious with friendships now because the majority of the time I will tell people how it is whether they want to hear it or not and alot of people don't take kindly to it I sometimes don't know how to mince my words and can be rather blunt loosing friendships along the way of doing so, I am trying to get a different perspective on how to handle it without basically saying you are being so rude and if you want to slag yourself about please do that in your own house because that will most definitely end the friendship and her life is her life if that's what she wants to do it's none of my business but I don't want it being brought to my house but because I have let it go on a couple of times I felt I couldn't just say I am not OK with this now, having said that I have realised from other people's replies that there is a way of doing it without ending a friendship

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/08/2020 14:31

Don't broach it, just tell her NO.

You are coming across as a bit of a wet blanker here.

Are you saying if she asks you in advance, it's OK for her to bring random tag alongs?

@DimidDavilby
Why would he be amgry with you about it?

Maybe because his partner is letting random people in the house? I'd be pissed off if my DP were the OP.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2020 14:35

Why would he be amgry with you about it? Cos it's his house, his party too?

He has every right to be pissed off, with OP and her mate, for slightly different reasons!

Rainbowshine · 10/08/2020 14:36

how to handle it without basically saying you are being so rude and if you want to slag yourself about please do that in your own house

The first bit about being rude is to the point. I’d phrase it that the invitation is for her only not for any plus ones or other extra people.

The second part is very judgemental and would not be conducive to good reactions from the person hearing that. Surely you can see that?!

MrDarcysMa · 10/08/2020 14:37

YABU for not pulling her up on it.
Do you have a lot to talk about/ have fun when it's just the two of you? Sounds like she doesn't think so if she's always bringing someone along as a buffer.
She should just decline if she doesn't think she'll enjoy it just the two of you.

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 14:38

It's not that he would be angry because he never has any objection to me having friends here, it's more me feeling uncomfortable that he walks in from work and there is people he doesn't know espicially a man sitting chilling in our garden or sitting room if there wasn't social distance measures in place. I wouldn't like to walk into his friends and a random or random girls that I wasn't aware of sitting here. The first time he wasn't too happy was because the family member that had been invited without asking he really does not like and had specifically said to me yeah its fine if your friend comes but her xxxx isn't coming mind and I assured him this family member had not be asked to come

OP posts:
MrDarcysMa · 10/08/2020 14:40

'Slag yourself about' is a disgusting judgemental thing to say however. It sounds like you struggle socially and I can see why from this post.

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 14:42

Sorry I didn't say that above that's the reason I haven't worded it like that because its very judge mental and has absolutely nothing to do with me

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 10/08/2020 14:44

Nothing you say will make it sound like your selfish. She's being entitled and selfish. I can't imagine any situation where I would do this.

Don't be apologetic because this sort of person will see that as weakness. Be clear she is not to do this anymore.

LonginesPrime · 10/08/2020 14:47

It's rude and disrespectful.

However, from your perspective, I would also take it as a compliment - it sounds like she feels she's portraying herself in the best light in front of these new 'acquaintances' by introducing them to you and your circle.

She clearly has limited social skills and seems to be leaning on your hospitality and generosity to carry her own social life. She might not have any idea this behaviour is a faux pas, especially since you've been so gracious about it and have welcomed her rogue invitees, so I'd be prepared for her to be quite shocked when she realises her behaviour is not ok.

I'd definitely tell her up-front when you invite her that it's just her who's invited, no plus ones (or twos or threes!).

BrassyLocks · 10/08/2020 14:49

I once hosted a dinner party for 5 friends. Would you believe it, they each brought an extra person so I ended up with 10 guests Angry.

Rainbowshine · 10/08/2020 14:50

So how would you word it?

I’d say:

Hey friend if you’re coming to my house on (day) it’s an invitation just for you only. I’m not comfortable with you bringing any plus ones or other people to my house. I should have said this before but it felt awkward. Look forward to seeing you, Queen

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 14:54

In reply to everyone

No I am not saying its OK to bring them along she would be told no sometimes I get a 5 minute warning that she is coming with others and other times I get no warning and these people just turn up, she will then say this person was texting her asking her to go out but because she had plans with me she told them no but then felt sorry for them and just told them to come to mine instead

I'm relation to the whole slagging yourself about comment, I never said that to her nor did I have any intentions because that is her life and to do what she wishes to do in her life I was simply replying to someone who said I wasn't strong minded enough because I created a thread and gave them an example of how I am terrible at mincing my words sometimes and that's why I created the thread so I could word it in a nice way rather than being blunt and making it sound like I disapprove of her lifestyle.

I don't think I struggle socially I struggle to stop myself from speaking my mind when sometimes it's not asked for nor wanted and I can and have lost friends by telling them the candid truth and I was trying to avoid that this time

OP posts:
BrassyLocks · 10/08/2020 15:01

For the next invitation, just say 'Can you come on your own? I prefer to host just people I know.' She can surely take a hint from that.

Sunrise234 · 10/08/2020 15:50

I would be fuming about this! It’s basic manners to ask you ahead of time is it ok if so and do comes along - even that is cheeky.

You need to put your foot and and tell she she needs to ring them and tell them not to come. And make sure before she comes say you can only come if you don’t invite anyone else.
Or stop inviting her completely - I think I would.

Original poster
Queen4 · 10/08/2020 16:21

I was fumming the first time it happened because it was a family event and it wasn't like she didn't know this but I had found out she was going to be in the house on her own, so asked if she would like to come and join us not realising she would bring other people with her without asking, I was just told oh by the way my family member is coming and so is my family members close friend and not long before that being told she also told one of her other acquaintance's it was fine if they popped in aswell, even the next time when it was a different family member, I was annoyed but not much I could do as she had told them while sitting in my house they could come and was on their way before mentioning to me but then it became her ex then other random people and that's when I realised she thought I obviously didn't mind or was OK to do so and it carried on and I didn't know if It was unreasonable to bring it up now that I really don't like it and would prefer to be asked first

OP posts: