If someone told you 'you look really tired'...

[CallistoSol]

...when you'd made an effort to look nice, would you think they were concerned for you or just being horrid?

Depends on who said it! But probably concerned or just honest.

Depends who it was that said it to be honest. From some people it will have come from a place of genuine concern.

Say back to them 'so do you'.

My sister in law used always say this to me and I don't think it was coming from a place of concern for my sleep levels.

I'm unsure of the motives tbh. I thought I looked ok, the boyfriend told me l looked great (though he is always very complimentary, bless his heart) and I'm pretty fit and healthy. It made me feel a bit crap about myself which is why I wondered.

@Intruiged

Depends on who said it! But probably concerned or just honest.

I don't get the point of this sort of 'honesty'.

What value is obtained by EITHER party?

The person who's made an effort to look nice can't rewind and get more sleep the night before, can she?

The twat person making the observation wins no plaudits for having bravely and shamelessly shared their nuanced and devastatingly accurate judgement.

Probably genuine concern if it was someone you know & get on with.

There is potential for it to be a bitchy comment from the right person too though.

It's not a nice thing to say. It always seems to infer "you look rough/haggard" unless perhaps you are obviously yawning or closing your eyes.

I tend to snap back "no I'm just getting older and uglier " but I am perhaps a bit over sensitive.

Hmmm...that is never a good thing to say! I often look tired as I'm quite pale and suffer with circles under my eyes, even with 10 hours sleep so I wouldn't be too happy to hear that. I had a friend who would always comment on how 'skinny' I was - I definitely wasn't. She just wanted to bring me down a peg or two I think

Thanks for the replies. I hadn't seen this person for ages, it's about the only thing she said to me, and wasn't in front of anyone else if that makes a difference

It’s always rude. Some people are emotionally tone deaf.

If someone genuinely is tired they will know and don’t need told that they also look tired.

Who said it?

@Sailorsgirl44 - that's such a good reply. Why did I never think of it? Going to use that from now on.

The depends if you looked tired 8 suppose (and how close she is to you).

Depends who said it. Some would be well meaning others just to be cruel

FWIW - in Japan it's a compliment. It means - you work really hard and we appreciate it. It's a badge of honour - if you look tired it's because you are so conscientious in all you do. May be a compliment in other cultures too.

It depends on who says it
If it’s dh , my dsis or my mother I know that it comes from a place of concern.
There are some who say it to be bitchy.

Depends who said it. I dont think its emotionally tone deaf lol. For me it means 'are you ok, do you need to talk?'.

Met a lot of nasty manipulative sorts over the years and I've never heard one say this, personally. Though I guess I could see why they might.

My evil boss used to say this to me regularly to try and make me feel totally shit about myself. I always used to say a very breezy Thank You! and crack on with my day. She was s horrible person but transparent as hell which helped.

Wow, I've always taken it as an opportunity to let them talk about their stresses, and they usually do proceed to vent about their sore back/work pressure/sleepless nights with baby. I wouldn't tell someone they look tired if they didn't genuinely look it though... And I often look whacked myself, especially in the last year with cheating-ex induced insomnia, so I don't mind people telling me so but I do take it as being excused for not being entirely upbeat... I will be more careful in future!

"You look tired" is probably only a nice thing to say when it's followed by, "Let me get you a cup of tea" or "Can I take the baby out for a walk to give you a break?" or something like that.

Thanks all. I honestly didn't think I looked tired. The comment came out of nowhere. If I was worried about someone I would ask how they are/how it's all going. It didn't feel like concern, but then maybe I was being sensitive.

If it didnt feel like concern then it probably wasnt. Trust your gut.

But why focus on the way someone looks?

Why not say, “did you get much sleep with the baby last night?”

“How’s work going? Is it still as stressful?”

And let them answer without insulting the way they look. It’s hardly a nice thing to say is it? It just makes someone who might be knackered think, “great! And I look like shit too!” especially if it’s someone like OP who had really made an effort to look good and was feeling quite confident up until then.

Is it one of those things people say to make themselves look nice and caring when actually they are just insulting someone?

My friend always say ‘you look great’ when I know I look like crap. They are very nice like that - always have nice things to say (lord knows why they hang around with me).

I used to find it validating that theyd3noticed I was struggling!

I'd reply 'oh and you've piled on the pounds!'

Hopefully that would shut them up.