If someone told you 'you look really tired'...

[CallistoSol]

...when you'd made an effort to look nice, would you think they were concerned for you or just being horrid?

It would depend on who said it and how it was said. I would assume most people would say it put of concern.

I had a "friend" who used to use this as a subtle put down. I didn't realise at first until she threw a few more at me over time, then I understood. I phased her out of my life. I have no time for people who want to put me down.

I bumped into a guy years ago and he said this to me, I thought I looked ok. Then I realised his motive was to put me down regardless of what I looked like.

Had the person said - "You look tired- is everything ok?" then I might think they had my best interests at heart. Otherwise I would think it was a bitchy comment.

I get this occasionally if I haven’t seen the friend for a few years in person. I take it to mean ‘you look a bit older than when I last saw you’ and see it as kind of inevitable. Also, it’s often true- life is busy and that’s sometimes tiring

OMG my Mum didn’t speak to a friend of my Dads for years after he said this once!

Tbh At least they noticed. Nobody comments on how I look at all - good, bad or ugly. I am invisible. Enjoy the attention.

I used to work with someone who would always tell me that I looked tired or that I was far too thin. She stopped when I started replying with a smirk - tired, so would you be if you had the kind of night I had last night. Too thin, ahh well one can't fatten a thoroughbred. She soon stopped.

I had a bitchy work colleague who used to say this. In the end I got sick of the constant subtle digs, and replied 'oh, it's just how my face generally looks, sorry about that ', made them squirm in their seats.

Although, if it was my mum, or grandma saying it, I assume it'd be coming from a place of deep concern. Depends on the context OP.

My step-mum has said this to me on many occasions throughout my adult life. It always used to confuse me, I’d try and think why I might look so tired when I knew I wasn’t. It’s dressed up as concern but yet I know she has zero interest in me and my well-being. These days I see it as the put down she intends it to be and just smile. It says a lot more about her insecurities, I wouldn’t dream of saying something like that it’s just plain rude.

Could easily be either. If it was my mum, immediately followed by an offer to babysit, then definitely concern. An unpleasant person at work who likes to undermine me, definitely being mean. Context is everything with this kind of comment! Are they noticing and offering to take some load off you (even if it’s just mental load) or are they criticising and implying you can’t cope?

I would think it is concern, especially in the context you are describing. I have come across people who get really offended when other people have told them this, though. (As in angry, unforgiving, saying that it shows that the other person is a nasty spiteful person, you can't trust a word they say etc. None of the people who have shown that attitude have been particularly hard-working or helpful to others, shall we say.)
Now, if someone regarded it as an insult to say that someone looked tired, I'd regard it as a sign that they despised people who get tired or work hard and therefore that they would despise me.

I'd agree. I do look really tired. If I see a photo of me not looking tired I get so happy. I look permanently bloody knackered!

@unmarkedbythat

I'd agree. I do look really tired. If I see a photo of me not looking tired I get so happy. I look permanently bloody knackered!

I'd agree as well today!

I think OP thought she'd made an effort, and obviously she has a lovely partner, but someone took the wind out of her sails.

Depends on context, it is usually said out of concern but I know its made me feel rubbish when someones said it to me as rightly or wrongly always think they mean I look haggard!!
I very rarely say it and only out of concern to close friends when i know they are going through a tough time and they do genuinely look tired.

My mum does this to me all the time. If I make a special effort to look decent she will say “you look tired” or “you look a bit pale, are you ill?”

Pisses me right off.

I was once showing her my holiday photos and a nice selfie I’d taken came up. I don’t normally take selfies but this one was ok and I was quite pleased with it. She said “oh goodness!!! What on earth happened there? Did you have a hangover? Ha! Terrible!”

Is there any wonder I have social anxiety and no confidence.

Yes, this, as used by some people, comes from the same subtle put-down playbook as 'You look well', meaning 'You look fat as fuck.'

If you genuinely think someone looks tired and you're worried about them, ask how they are, don't essentially tell them they look crappy, especially at an even they've clearly made an effort with their appearance for.

The only time I get this is when I'm wearing no or hardly any makeup.

I'm like, thanks this is just my actual face!

like other posers, depends on the context and who said it.

My Nan, for example, says this EVERYTIME i see her without makeup on. I always reply - yes i am, do you want to look after the DC while i nap!

It’s rude. I bet you looked gorgeous and she was a bit unconsciously rankled and whipped out the only just-about-acceptable negative comment she could make about your appearance.

I used to have a frenemy who always told me I looked tired. I started saying ‘omg so do you - you look exhausted! Are you ok?’

Every. Time. She stopped saying it

It really depends who has said it and whether it is from a place of concern. My MIL loves to tell people they look tired. It seems to be an acceptable way of telling people they look like shit. She used to say it to me all the time. She said it about 6 times in the space of 1 morning when I had a newborn and an 18 month old and I finally snapped and told her was really rude and she hasn’t said it since. She does tell me I look well (fat) It just makes me really uncomfortable when someone repeatedly comments on my appearance. If you’re tired you know you look tired. If you’re not then what is the point of telling you you look tired I just don’t get it.

My face has always been tired looking but it goes worse when some idiot points out how tired I look. I just say inwardly “Ye; tired of spending time with people like you!” and leave. 😂

@Hindsite

My mum does this to me all the time. If I make a special effort to look decent she will say “you look tired” or “you look a bit pale, are you ill?”

Pisses me right off.

I was once showing her my holiday photos and a nice selfie I’d taken came up. I don’t normally take selfies but this one was ok and I was quite pleased with it. She said “oh goodness!!! What on earth happened there? Did you have a hangover? Ha! Terrible!”

Is there any wonder I have social anxiety and no confidence.

Do we have the same Mum?!

Depends who is saying it. If my DM said this, it would be because she's worried about me.

For the ones trying to put you down, just agree and make a comment referring to not getting much sleep with your partner around

So rude! Like others have said unless it's phrased as "you look tired, here let me hold the baby" or similar it can only be an insult/put down.
They might just as well say "you look shit" as that clearly the subtext.

I used to have a girl come over to me at work and tell me this. Most days. And I know I didn't look remotely tired 90% of the time it was always done with a head tilt, concerned face

It's an odd thing to say to someone, it's basically saying, "you look like a big o' shite today".

"Yeah?, cheers for that"