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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend breaks up with me every argument

97 replies

Mgjatpm · 09/08/2020 18:43

Hi. We are mid 20s.
Last night we had an argument as we were having food in his parents garden and he felt by the end of the night I was bejng quiet However I was just tired.

When we got into bed he said in a bitchy time that once again I was quiet. So this started an argument whereby he said i clearly don't like his family and that I am obviously uncomfortable around them.
I like his parents but I feel I can't be tired without being accused of being in a mood. This has happened numerous times.

And then I started getting tearful saying that I don't understand what I've done wrong tonight, I just felt tired and now I'm being told I don't like them and I'm uncomfortable around them.

But what bugs me is he always says "why don't you just break up with me then" or I turned around to sleep and he said "if you go to sleep we'll break up"

I find this really upsetting but he doesn't actually mean it as he never actually breaks up with me.

This is all just making me feel awkward. As he says I come across I don't like them a lot, I feel this is a flaw in my personality as I genuinely don't do it on purpose and I like his family a lot.

I just still feel a but sad about our tiff last night as I don't get why he snapped at me. He is okay with me now but I don't get why he snapped.
Yes I was tired and quiet but I can't be chatty and hyper all the time.

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 09/08/2020 19:27

Manipulative twat. Walk away and don't look back. Right now you're young and unencumbered. That won't always be the case. Leave his shitty arse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2020 19:30

You really need to dump him. The threats to dump you are leaving you feeling increasingly insecure. This is something he does because he knows it upsets you. He has obviously tried it with other women. Some of those will have told him to fuck off the first or second time he did that. You stay because you’re insecure and the more insecure you feel the more you will stay. And he wants and insecure woman he can control. Do you want to be that woman?

tenlittlecygnets · 09/08/2020 19:31

Call his bluff.

If this is what he's like after a year, it won't get better.

You could try talking to him like he's an adult, telling you how his threats make you feel, give him one last chance, but is he self aware enough to change? Who knows.

I'd dump him.

BrandyandBabycham · 09/08/2020 19:34

This is the start of emotional abuse. Get rid!

Valkadin · 09/08/2020 19:34

You are dating a really horrible person, please do not go out with him any longer. It’s far better to be alone than with someone who treats you badly.

As much as I hate writing this abusive men deliberately seek out vulnerable women. Before anyone says victim blaming this is well documented by DV charities which I have worked with in the past. He is testing your boundaries right now to see how much you will be prepared to put up with. Abusive men rarely punch straight away, they take their time.

Any women with firm boundaries would have told him to do one by now. Look to what relationships you grew up around.

BertiesLanding · 09/08/2020 19:35

He is projecting, OP. Look back at what he's said to you: he has described his own behaviour to a tee. He doesn't like himself much at all, and unfortunately you will always be the scapegoat for that self-loathing.

Ginfordinner · 09/08/2020 19:35

Dump him. He is a nasty, gaslighting bully.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/08/2020 19:36

Now what should happen when you are quiet is he says "are you ok love, you are a bit quiet" and you say, "I'm fine, just a bit tired due to x and y", then he says "sounds like you need an early night tonight" or something similar.

What happened to you was a head fuck. Don't stay around for that it isn't normal in a relationship. He won't change. Remind him what he said and tell tell him you agree, time to break up.

AlwaysCheddar · 09/08/2020 19:39

Yabu for not dumping him. Life is too short to deal with his crap.

RiftGibbon · 09/08/2020 19:39

I'd call his bluff too. Break up with him and then you can have evenings out in the way you like them.

Pobblebonk · 09/08/2020 19:41

You absolutely need to call his bluff. You will be so much happier without this nonsense in your life. If, next time he threatens to break up, you say "Fine, goodbye then", who knows, you might be doing any future girlfriends a favour as it dawns on him that his tactic doesn't always work.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 09/08/2020 19:42

Bloody hell you should break up with him. He sounds like a right arsehole.

1Morewineplease · 09/08/2020 19:43

Yes, he’s manipulating and controlling you. It will only get worse.
Please think long and hard about continuing in a relationship with him.
You are currently not married to him nor do you have a child with him yet he’s already making you feel bad and guilty.
Can you imagine how much more control he’ll have over you once you’re pregnant and/or married?

He’s even making you doubt yourself! You say that he’s said that if you go to sleep you’ll break up, yet you’re still together.

If you carry on with him he’ll continue with this controlling behaviour and he’ll be gaslighting you so that you’ll even doubt yourself, though I suspect that you might already be at that stage.

He won’t break up with you as he wants to completely control you. Other women have clearly told him to jog on but you are trying to stick with him, which is exactly what he wants.

Please think about your own future happiness.

NearlyGranny · 09/08/2020 19:44

You'll be better off without this one, truly. I suggest you take him at his word and break up. He's not exactly bringing joy and fulfilment into your life, is he?

Having picked you, he's trying to change you. Why? If he wants a party girl, they're out there. Perhaps you need someone to coax you lovingly out of your shell but he's decided bullying you out is better. It's not.

He'll wear you down. And the empty threats are designed to keep you off-balance and under his control. He sounds a thoroughly nasty piece of work a d everyone can see you deserve better than this treatment.

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" (I think it's available online free) and see if you recognise him in it!

It is reasonable to say to him, "Don't threaten to break up with me and then next day pretend it didn't happen. Break up or don't, but stop threatening it. If you don't mean it, don't say it. The next time you say it will be the last.

Emeraldshamrock · 09/08/2020 19:47

Tell him firmly if he wants to continue being in a relationship he needs to grow up. Empty threats are not only childish and sulky they're a method of control.

WhereamI88 · 09/08/2020 19:47

My ex did this a lot. I thought if we get married, he won't do that anymore. So I married him. And he continued to threaten divorce whenever we had a fight. One day, I said ok, let's get divorced. He was so desperate when i actually left. The begging and the crying was frankly pathetic given he had threaten to break up with me at least twice a month for 7 years.

Lesson - it won't stop. He doesn't mean it and it's a means to shut you up.

TonyChestnut · 09/08/2020 19:49

The consensus seems to be for you to take him up on his offer. I think I agree.

However, if you don't feel ready for this yet, the next time you visit his parent perhaps you could say - "I may get tired later, and if I do, I may be a little quiet. Boyfriend worries that this is because I don't like you, but I promise you that I do - it's just that I'm not alway the life and soul of a party. Is that okay?" Unless they are absolute c*nts like their son, they'll almost certainly say it it's fine. You can then be yourself and see how he responds. If he kicks off again, at least you'll know it's not his family!

Then dump him!

allinadaystwerk · 09/08/2020 19:56

It is more than ok to be quiet natured. In fact its wonderful to be that way. You are also fully entitled to get tired. A reasonable and kind hearted partner would understand and appreciate those things and compliment you on you introverted personality and help you when you are tired. You would feel good in a healthy balanced relationship not worried or scared or unsure of how to be.
He sounds a insecure person ar best and a manipulative bully at worst. Either way as a young woman with lots of opportunity ahead of you can you find it in yourself to just leave him and find someone better?

Emmmie · 09/08/2020 19:56

I really think you should leave him OP. Being with him sounds so stressful.

Ch0colatecake · 09/08/2020 19:57

Mgjatpm Like others say, get rid of him.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 09/08/2020 20:00

Oh god he sounds horrible. Definitely dump him. He’s not worth all this aggro.

MaxNormal · 09/08/2020 20:02

He's an arsehole. Seriously, dump him and make space in your life for someone that won't make it a misery.

userxx · 09/08/2020 20:03

Fuck him off, he's a twat. 20 years down the line you will realise this.

PinkDaffodil2 · 09/08/2020 20:04

That sounds exhausting and I doubt he’ll change. You’re only mid 20s and don’t have kids with him so cut your losses now - it will be more difficult I further down the line but I bet you he won’t get any better.

diddl · 09/08/2020 20:04

You're trying to be the person you think he wants you to be.

Why?

He's horrible to you.

And he'll just keep changing the goalposts so that you're permanently cowed & bent out of shape trying to please him.

Find someone who wants you as you are!