Can you tell me a good joke please?

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I'm having a totally shit time and need a laugh, give me your best...

What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
Pump-kin

My favourite joke of all time -

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people of Dubai don't like the flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Dooooooooooooo

Any 2020 memes?

Boris Johnson

What do you call a Magician who's lost his magic?

Ian

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned in to a field!

Knock knock

Who's there?

A Dunnop

A Dunnop who?

Eww, we don't poo on the doorstep.

What's green and smells of yellow paint?

Green paint.

You'd be surprised at how many people say what?
I like the stupid ones.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

I went to the zoo yesterday but there was only a small white dog there
It was a shitzu

Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover his butt quack.

I predict a baby boom later this year. Then in 2033, we'll witness the rise of the QuaranTeens...

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Oh my God, BREATHE!"

What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles" - because there's a mile between each S!

Archaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

It is believed to be the previously unknown Pharaoh Rocher.

When's the bedt time to buy a budgie? When they're going cheep

Why did Mr Humpty Dumpty push Mrs Humpty Dumpty off the wall? So that he could see her crack 🤣

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones

Trombones

What did one nut say whilst chasing another nut?

I cashew.

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones

Trombones

🤣

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they ARGHHH!

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A headbanger.

Did you hear about the kidnapping outside the local school?

A teacher had to go out and wake him up 😂

Is diarrhoea inherited?

Yes because it runs in your jeans/ genes.

What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken ceaser salad

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur ?
a Doyouthinkhesaurus

Patient goes to doctors. He is concerned about his hearing.

Patient: 'I'm having difficulty hearing'

Doctor: 'Can you describe the symptoms?'

Patient:'Well... they're a cartoon family... they're yellow...'

Bañana

The fruit that never arrives.

(Stolen from a Private Eye cartoon).

Did you hear about the scarecrow who got an award? For being outstanding in his field.

Man goes to dr, "Dr, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum!"
Dr, "I've got some cream for that."

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What E.T short for?
Because he's got little legs.