Can you tell me a good joke please?

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I'm having a totally shit time and need a laugh, give me your best...

I tried to tell a joke about Nobel gases.

But I didn't get a reaction.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, can you smell carrots.....

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work?

Bison

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Halloumi!

Has covid 19 forced you to wear glasses and a face mask at the same time?
If so ...... you may be entitled to condensation!

What do you call 50 penguins in Times Square?

...lost 😂😂😂

I say I say I say - my wife's gone to southern Spain to get her wonky nose fixed.

Andalusia?

No, just her nose.

images.app.goo.gl/vWhXg1FZAS4eFkcDA

Took my pet fish to the chippy the other day, I asked "Do you do fish cakes?”

"Yep we do.”

"Good cos it's his birthday tomorrow.”

Two soldiers in a tank. One said to the other, "blub blub blub blub blub".

Man walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave him one.

Did you hear about the explosion in the french cheese factory?

All that's left is debris

What cheese can you hide a small horse in ?
Mascarpone

Angelina Jolie goes into a florist's and says "I'd like to buy some flowers please."

"Orchids?"

"No thanks, just the flowers."

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To put out burning ducks 😂😂😂

@BitOfFun

Angelina Jolie goes into a florist's and says "I'd like to buy some flowers please."

"Orchids?"

"No thanks, just the flowers."

😂😂

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous! "
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before.
This is Air Force One..."

What’s the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway!

"My sister plays piano by ear."
"That's nothing, my brother fiddles with his cock!"

(Select your audience carefully)

What’s the difference between an egg and a good wank?

You can beat an egg...

@CaptainCorellisPangolin

"My sister plays piano by ear." "That's nothing, my brother fiddles with his cock!"

(Select your audience carefully)

You win!!

A man is stumbling through the desert, gasping for water. He meets another man and begs him for some, the man says 'I'm sorry I've none with me, but could I interest you in a tie?' The man begs for water but the salesman apologises and the first guy moves on.
In the distance he sees another guy, he says 'please, please, I need water,' the guy says 'I'm sorry I've none with me, but could I interest you in a tie?' And the man roars and cries and says 'no, no tie, I need water' again the salesman shakes his head. The man stumbles on, feeling death must be near. Suddenly, over a hill, he sees a giant resort and his eyes widen, he begins to walk a little faster, wondering if it's a mirage. He's about to walk in the entrance and a man comes out and says 'sorry sir, you need a tie to enter'

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it!