Can you tell me a good joke please?

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I'm having a totally shit time and need a laugh, give me your best...

Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord refuses to serve him. He says "you can't come in here - you're bard"

Four drums fall off a cliff - ba-dum-dum-tsssh

I was walking down the street when a woman threw a lump of cheese at me. I picked it up, and I thought "that's not very mature"

“Doctor, doctor I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bottom”

“Don’t worry sir, I’ve got some cream for that.”

Man walked into a bar and asked the bar staff for a double entendre.
So she gave him one.

Why do the elephants paint their balls red? To hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle? Monkeys eating cherries.

the A34, the M25 and the B4000 all go to the pub together to enjoy a quiet drink.

while they are sitting there with their pints, another route comes in, somewhat thinner than the others and coloured a dark pink shade.

The A34 says "I'm not drinking with him, he's a total cycle path"

Why did the Baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo

I was walking down the street when a woman threw a lump of cheese at me. I picked it up, and I thought "that's not very mature"

Her husband threw a pint of milk at me. I picked it up and thought "How dairy!"

My wife is playing the female lead in a production of Oedipus Rex

Jocasta?

No, it was the Director's idea.

Patient: Doctor doctor I can't get to sleep at night!
Doctor: just lie on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off!

What does a cannibal call a gender reveal party?

A Kinder Surprise.

What’s orange and comes down the chimney at Christmas?

Fanta.

I went to the Zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a Shih tzu.

Our family favourite; what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone!

what did the banana say to the dildo.....

i dunno what you’re shaking for, she’s gonna eat me

My absolute favourite, which I read on MN a while ago, is:

Knock, knock,
Who's there?,
Europe,
Europe who?,
No, you're a poo!

Walking on the beach last year I came up with this genius idea for suitable beachy footwear for one legged people.
Unfortunately it turned out to be a flop..

And do you want to hear my Elton John joke?
It's a little bit funny

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the stupid person's house

Knock knock
Who's there?
It's the chicken

.

A woman goes to the doctor and complains about flatulence. "It doesn't smell, but it is still embarrassing". The doctor gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in two weeks. "What the hell did you prescribe? I'm still flatulent, but now it stinks!" "Oh, good", replies the doctor. "You've got your sense of smell back. Now let's fix the flatulence".
How do you know an elephant is hiding in your fridge? You find foot prints in the paté.
How does an elephant get up a tree? It hides inside a nut and waits for a squirrel to find it.
How do the elephants get down from the trees? They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.
Why do beavers have flat tails? They like to take walks in the forest in autumn.
Why are pygmies small? They hunt beavers in the autumn.
Why is it dangerous to walk in the forest in the afternoon? That's when the elephants are practicing parachuting.
How do you know your elephant is hiding under your bed? When you wake up your nose is touching the ceiling.
And finally: How do you know your elephant has its period? Your mattress is gone.

Sorry, but no one will ever beat the legendary “orange for a head” joke. You can’t get better than perfection, after all

Two monkeys in the bath. One says ‘ oooh, oooh, oooh’. The other says ‘well put some cold in then’

What did the drummer call his 2 daughters?
Anna one, Anna two

Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Granny
Granny who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Aunt
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I got rid of all those Grannies?

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken

Woke up the other night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the end of my bed. First I was afraid, I was petrified...

A lady is in court, charged with beating her husband to death with a guitar.

'First offender?' asks the judge.

'No, The Gibson first, the the Fender'