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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was turned down. Right to be annoyed?

110 replies

Chairlove · 08/08/2020 19:56

Was having flirty text with an fwb. Our situation is we text few times during the week, meet up as friends which is sometimes platonic or sometimes stay over. We have done this for a few years. If we meet someone we are honest and maintain relationship as friends. It works. We have had a relationship in the past. It’s a convenient set up for us both, so Please don’t judge.

He has been a bit low mood due to stress in his life. I am worried he is depressed. Saw each other 4 weeks ago as friends and had food, chat and a hug. Not much intimacy due to lockdown, but a few chats on what we could of been doing.

Our normal arrangement would be to arrange a meet up on the day if we are free. It’s normally food, drink, stay over and leave midday. Like a date. We never do the drunk booty call. If it’s a friends thing, like cinema or event, we pre-arrange.

Thursday having a flirt via text. He was suggesting he has no sex drive as stressed. I joked and said you need to do something about this, he asked do I know anyone. Flirting about Finally becoming intimate again.

This afternoon flirty text. I got new underwear ad sent him pics. He said he did nothing last night. I said me neither and he said if he knew he would of come over. Again flirty that he may know someone who is naughty. I asked who, ad he said he would look around for me. Normally very direct.

Tonight he is seeing friends, not too far away from me. I suggested he come round to mine to stay after seeing friends. He replied staying with friends. That was it.

Feel a bit miffed, as normally he is more direct about meeting up. But I know he is going through some major issues and he doesn’t like the booty call idea, more come see me spend time as friends, cuddle on the sofa etc and then stays over. I think I am just in a grump as hormonal and really wanted to see him as it’s been a long lockdown. But is this a turn down as not interested, or he is busy and made plans to stay at friends so doesn’t want to change?

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/08/2020 22:41

Maybe he has met someone and is in a relationship?

Ameliablue · 08/08/2020 22:41

He's told you he's stressed and it's affected his sex drive. If this is the case it is normal for him to be anxious or reticent about potential sexual encounters particularly with someone he cares about. Don't take it as a reflection on how sexily attractive he finds you, just be there to offer support if needed.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/08/2020 22:43

I had a very good male friend, maybe my best friend, then we were FWB, we used to do the friend date thing, it was never explicitly spoken about but there were some occasions that were pretty much guaranteed to end in bed. Then they became more often than not whenever we saw each other, and then definitely not dating anyone else, then oh I need a plus one, or do you want to come to my brother's for a BBQ, or might as well stay another night rather than go home, became the default person to go to gigs parties etc with, then he was just leaving a few bits at my house for next weekend. He's now my husband.
IME a true FWB needs to essentially be a booty call acquaintance and not too often, or someone gets feelings, excellent if it's both of you like it was for us, but I've seen a lot of friends have similar where it hasn't worked out like that. You sound a bit invested for Fwb.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/08/2020 22:43

You're coming over as invested no matter how you slice it, OP. Perhaps look at your posts again and ponder whether he would be navel-gazing about this if the boot were on the other foot.

It doesn't sound like a 'friend' arrangement at all, you don't sound like friends to me (from what you've posted) and quite honestly if it were a man posting in your place, he'd be thought 'pushy' and perhaps verging on creepy.

If he is really a friend then treat him like one and if you know that he's wanting to be with his (other) friends right now then he's entitled to do that, there's supposedly no commitment from either of you.

TableFlowerss · 08/08/2020 23:00

Way over invested for something that’s nothing more than a shag here and there.

I’m not even sure why you’re posting on here for advice. No one here is able to tell you why he didn’t want to meet you.

The fact is, he doesn’t. There’s nothing more and nothing less. The type of arrangement you gave with each other dictates this.

I think you need to ask yourself why it’s even entering your head though. You don’t want to get hurt

GhostCurry · 08/08/2020 23:07

“You're doing FWB all wrong. You shouldn't need to text anything more than "want to fuck?".”

No, that’s a booty call. A FWB should be exactly that - a friend who you occasionally sleep with.

GhostCurry · 08/08/2020 23:08

“ I can’t imagine just wanting to have my friends over for a shag. All sounds a bit grubby and is essentially a one night stand anyway”

In what way is it “essentially a one night stand”?

Wanting to have sex outside of a relationship is “grubby”?

Jesus Christ

Leaannb · 08/08/2020 23:11

@GhostCurry

“ I can’t imagine just wanting to have my friends over for a shag. All sounds a bit grubby and is essentially a one night stand anyway”

In what way is it “essentially a one night stand”?

Wanting to have sex outside of a relationship is “grubby”?

Jesus Christ

It's essentially a one night stand because you are not exclusive and can sleep.around with whoever you want.
blueshoes · 08/08/2020 23:16

He's not into sex at the moment. If you push it any further with the flirty texts, you are coming across as a sex pest.

Babyroobs · 08/08/2020 23:22

What's a booty call ? Think I lead a sheltered life.

TatianaBis · 08/08/2020 23:23

As long as you’re this invested in a shag won’t be finding yourself an actual bf.

GhostCurry · 08/08/2020 23:26

“It's essentially a one night stand because you are not exclusive and can sleep.around with whoever you want.”

Right ... but it’s NOT like a one night stand in that it is less dangerous, there is more of an emotional connection, your FWB knows your sexual preferences so (as a woman) you have a much higher chance of having a satisfying experience.

Pretty important differences in my book

namechange8765433 · 08/08/2020 23:28

@Babyroobs

lmgtfy.com/?q=booty+call+what+does+mean

GhostCurry · 08/08/2020 23:29

Babyroobs just found this on a google search! I think it explains it pretty well

“Whereas a booty call relationship involves primarily sexual contact, both FB and FWB relationships involve both sexual and social contact where partners spend time together doing other activities (often including adding each other on Facebook) in addition to having a sexual relationship.”

Love the Facebook detail Grin

TableFlowerss · 08/08/2020 23:30

@GhostCurry

“It's essentially a one night stand because you are not exclusive and can sleep.around with whoever you want.”

Right ... but it’s NOT like a one night stand in that it is less dangerous, there is more of an emotional connection, your FWB knows your sexual preferences so (as a woman) you have a much higher chance of having a satisfying experience.

Pretty important differences in my book

But it’s similar to a one night night stand in that -

1 There’s no commitment

2 There is no time frame. It’s a casual hook up as and when

3 There are no romantic feelings. It’s purely fur sexual gratification nothing more

TableFlowerss · 08/08/2020 23:36

Potato patato and all that jazz

GhostCurry · 08/08/2020 23:47

Right. Personally I think of them as very different. I have had many FWBs but would never even consider a one night stand.

When I said dangerous, I meant the threat of violence, but also the possibility of disease. This likelihood is much lower with a FWB who cares about you (on some level). It’s in the job description.

GhostCurry · 08/08/2020 23:51

(Small pre-emptive clarification. Some STIs - herpes and HPV spring to mind - are still transmissible when wearing a condom. Not to mention the reprehensible rise of “stealthing”... but I have derailed this thread enough.)

Candyfloss99 · 08/08/2020 23:55

You have more feelings for him than you care to admit. If he was a true FWB this wouldn't have bothered you in the slightest. It seems like a pretty sad situation tbh.

FarTooSkinny · 09/08/2020 00:00

Why not have a proper relationship with a boyfriend where sex is a meaningful part of a loving connection?

eveningfalls · 09/08/2020 00:07

find a guy, who wants you. He really does not want you.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 00:15

@GhostCurry

(Small pre-emptive clarification. Some STIs - herpes and HPV spring to mind - are still transmissible when wearing a condom. Not to mention the reprehensible rise of “stealthing”... but I have derailed this thread enough.)
I don’t deny it’s safer and I do see your point, so from that perspective they are different.

It’s a not a stranger where often a one night stand is.

I’m not judging anyone, it’s whatever works for people. Why shouldn’t women enjoy sex with friends. It’s all good.

I just think the OP is too invested

ChicCroissant · 09/08/2020 00:21

The OP did say in her first post that she'd been in a relationship with him before. I also think she wants to be again, especially with the comment about 'headspace'. I don't think the headspace makes a difference in this case, unfortunately.

Having said that, he gave you two clear signs he wasn't interested OP - when he said he asked do I know anyone and he said he would look around for me so when you pushed it a third time you got the curt staying with friends. If he really is going through major issues, give him some space - or is this the real issue, that you're upset you're not his go-to friend that he calls first?

The conversation about FWB versus one night stands (I know the OP said this isn't something she'd consider) would make an interesting thread. I don't see the difference either, but those who do feel really strongly about it.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 09/08/2020 00:57

You've obvs caught feelings.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 09/08/2020 07:17

@Chairlove

He wasn’t serious saying looking around for someone for me. It was a flirty joke, meaning it was him. He seriously is not looking for someone for me!
It’s not flirty to say he’ll find someone else for you. That’s the opposite of flirting!