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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was turned down. Right to be annoyed?

110 replies

Chairlove · 08/08/2020 19:56

Was having flirty text with an fwb. Our situation is we text few times during the week, meet up as friends which is sometimes platonic or sometimes stay over. We have done this for a few years. If we meet someone we are honest and maintain relationship as friends. It works. We have had a relationship in the past. It’s a convenient set up for us both, so Please don’t judge.

He has been a bit low mood due to stress in his life. I am worried he is depressed. Saw each other 4 weeks ago as friends and had food, chat and a hug. Not much intimacy due to lockdown, but a few chats on what we could of been doing.

Our normal arrangement would be to arrange a meet up on the day if we are free. It’s normally food, drink, stay over and leave midday. Like a date. We never do the drunk booty call. If it’s a friends thing, like cinema or event, we pre-arrange.

Thursday having a flirt via text. He was suggesting he has no sex drive as stressed. I joked and said you need to do something about this, he asked do I know anyone. Flirting about Finally becoming intimate again.

This afternoon flirty text. I got new underwear ad sent him pics. He said he did nothing last night. I said me neither and he said if he knew he would of come over. Again flirty that he may know someone who is naughty. I asked who, ad he said he would look around for me. Normally very direct.

Tonight he is seeing friends, not too far away from me. I suggested he come round to mine to stay after seeing friends. He replied staying with friends. That was it.

Feel a bit miffed, as normally he is more direct about meeting up. But I know he is going through some major issues and he doesn’t like the booty call idea, more come see me spend time as friends, cuddle on the sofa etc and then stays over. I think I am just in a grump as hormonal and really wanted to see him as it’s been a long lockdown. But is this a turn down as not interested, or he is busy and made plans to stay at friends so doesn’t want to change?

OP posts:
IceCreamSummer20 · 08/08/2020 21:32

@Sunrise234

It sounds like he is either staying at his mates (as he’s gone to see them) or he’s staying at another fwb.

You can’t get too annoyed as this is part of the deal.
And you say he’s open but many men keep it a secret that they have multiple fwb as many females don’t like them shagging around so they worry they’ll lose them if they tell him. If he said he had another fwb would you stop?

You’re probably used to clicking your fingers and him come running Grin

Yes I do think many people have multiple. My female friends have two on the go at least. My male friends more. My Ex had absolutely loads and also a wife!
Lupellegrino · 08/08/2020 21:37

This is why I love being celibate. What a faff.

bottlenose301 · 08/08/2020 21:38

In that case he probably wants to see his mates, finish as late as he wants without having to worry about you staying up and waiting, and is staying over so to me, given you're not in a relationship with him, I totally see his logic. Especially if he's not in the mood for a late night booty call (which you said you don't really do together anyway)

Whym · 08/08/2020 21:41

I’d say take it or leave it...it is a FWB arrangement so what do you expect...just saying.

DrManhattan · 08/08/2020 21:41

You are kidding yourself if you think you are not overly invested.

CityCommuter · 08/08/2020 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

backseatcookers · 08/08/2020 21:48

@bottlenose301

In that case he probably wants to see his mates, finish as late as he wants without having to worry about you staying up and waiting, and is staying over so to me, given you're not in a relationship with him, I totally see his logic. Especially if he's not in the mood for a late night booty call (which you said you don't really do together anyway)
This. OP you really don't sound as chilled out as you claim to be about this. Which is fine - there's no shame in your feelings having changed over time, but if you're getting annoyed when someone says they don't want to come to yours after they're seeing mates don't you see you're acting pretty entitled? If a male FWB had suggested that to me and when I said no he has got annoyed (as you say you are) I wouldn't really want to continue being FWB with him as i would be turned off by him thinking he is that entitled / I owed him it because id flirted the week prior. It's an unhealthy attitude to sexual dynamics.
Chairlove · 08/08/2020 21:50

No we both are not in the right headspace for it. Him too much life crap and me new job were I work crazy hours.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/08/2020 21:51

I expect he didn't want to think about cutting his evening with mates short to come to you. He already had plans - what if they go on til the small hours? Do you want him to turn up pissed at 3am??

Bosekct · 08/08/2020 21:52

If I was on a night with mates, probably getting pissed, the last thing I would want to do is end the night and get a cab to someone’s house who I have no feelings for. It would spoil my night always knowing that I had to be somewhere else. It doesn’t sound like he is in the mood for sex anyway so there is zero point.

altiara · 08/08/2020 22:00

You said fair dos if he is busy, but he was busy and told you that and you're still annoyed?

This^

I would think someone was being a bit of a dick if I had mentioned my libido had disappeared plus said I was going through some stressful times and they kept bringing the conversation back around to sex again.

And this^

Stop pressuring him! He’s definitely going to avoid you if all you want is sex and that’s the one thing he can’t do right now.

Russellbrandshair · 08/08/2020 22:03

This isn’t FWB at you- you are TRYING to get him interested in you and are now really quite upset he isn’t. That sounds more like what you’d do with a date than a FWB. It’s meant to be super relaxed and casual as in- if you’re free then meet up if not, no big deal at all. That’s not what’s happening here - you seem super keen, he isn’t. From his responses I’d say he’s not as into you as he was- sorry. It comes across like you are trying really hard to make sex happen and he doesn’t want to. Let it go!! Find a guy who is really interested in you, not this reluctant guy.

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/08/2020 22:09

@Chairlove

He wasn’t serious saying looking around for someone for me. It was a flirty joke, meaning it was him. He seriously is not looking for someone for me!
A flirty joke? Hmm. If you say so...
Diverseopinions · 08/08/2020 22:10

Perhaps because your new job is crazy hours, you need the release of something fun and reliable and secure and you are more sensitive to things not panning out for the weekend than you would usually have been. It's like finding the corner shop shut when you desperately need a drink from a bottle of wine because the day has frazzled you. I'm glad you have a busy job in these difficult times and I hope it's fulfilling and sets you up nicely, income-wise, for your future.

CrazyToast · 08/08/2020 22:16

I don't think this necessarily means you have feelings. It would annoy me too, even if it was a normal friend who appeared less up for hanging out as per our usual routine. I would just put it down to his stress and see how it goes. FWB means you have to be careful about bringing it up in case it seems too 'gf-like' but if any friend repeatedly blows you off then you are entitled to ask. Just give it a while and see how it goes but YANBU.

GisAFag · 08/08/2020 22:20

Sounds like you want more than fwb.

LonelyGir1 · 08/08/2020 22:22

Sounds like you’re secretly in love with him...

Witchcraftandhokum · 08/08/2020 22:23

You're doing FWB all wrong. You shouldn't need to text anything more than "want to fuck?".

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 08/08/2020 22:24

Why don’t you want a proper relationship? This sounds like someone will want more and get hurt.

Flibbitygibbit · 08/08/2020 22:32

Hmmm.... stop sending him pictures . He asked if you knew someone to help him with lack of libido ? Binned you for his mates ? ...let him get on with it and you find someone who's interested. He might have been out with some woman and didn't know how to say it 🤷‍♀️

Tistheseason17 · 08/08/2020 22:33

He's mentioned issues with his sex drive.
This is the reason.
Give him space or ask him over as a friend only not FWB. He might just need a friendship right now if he's down.

Tistheseason17 · 08/08/2020 22:34

I meant low mood could be affecting his sex drive!

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/08/2020 22:35

@Russellbrandshair

This isn’t FWB at you- you are TRYING to get him interested in you and are now really quite upset he isn’t. That sounds more like what you’d do with a date than a FWB. It’s meant to be super relaxed and casual as in- if you’re free then meet up if not, no big deal at all. That’s not what’s happening here - you seem super keen, he isn’t. From his responses I’d say he’s not as into you as he was- sorry. It comes across like you are trying really hard to make sex happen and he doesn’t want to. Let it go!! Find a guy who is really interested in you, not this reluctant guy.
This is how I read it too. Was also wondering if he was telling you he’s not into sex atm so you hopefully lose interest. I think you need to read the room, pull back and see if he contacts you. But whether he does or not, this situation does not seem to agree with you.
AlternativePerspective · 08/08/2020 22:35

Well, I personally don’t get these FWB arrangements. I can’t imagine just wanting to have my friends over for a shag. All sounds a bit grubby and is essentially a one night stand anyway as there are no expectations (or there aren’t supposed to be).

But you said:

No we both are not in the right headspace for it. Him too much life crap and me new job were I work crazy hours.

So it’s not that you don’t have feelings for him then? You’re just not in the right place for a relationship.

OP it’s not necessarily about what you say it’s about what you don’t say.

You’re very clearly in love with him even if you don’t want to admit it.

And likely he knows this and doesn’t feel the same.

I wouldn’t be cuddling etc with someone if I knew they had feelings for me as it would IMO give out the wrong message and cause too much expectation. Sounds like this is where he’s at.

Sunrise234 · 08/08/2020 22:39

I think you need to find a new fwb that lives closer and you can see each other more often as this seems like it’s fizzling out or you want different things.