After 20 years ,why is the housework still my responsibility

[Veganfortheanimals]

Just as a background
I’ve 2 dc with autism ,with a huge gap between them and kids either side .both couldn’t cope with school and had LEA provided for tutors ,as fast as I settled one in college ,after having his whole secondary education at home ( when tutor is in house a parent has to be supervising)
,the other one started school refusing, and is awaiting A special school.I’ve been home schooling the youngest for the past 2 years .
I worked out there was ,in 20 years ,6 months where all 4 were in school / job / uni at the same time ,6 months were I could of got a job ,by the time I got myself together ,the next one Got a diagnosis and came out Of school.
Dh always worked odd hours ,whatever job he got ,you could guarantee ,oddly ,there would be no 9 to 5..
I’ve cleaned ,mopped ,hoovered ,cooked for all of them for 20 years .
I’ve done a rota countless times ,that gets torn down.
On and of I’ve got a cleaner (friend) of mine in to help ,(6 weeks max out of 20 years)they have all gone mad at their stuff being touched
When the eldest was doing Alevels I thought I had another adult to help me ,I asked her to hoover ,she said “ are you trying to get me to fail my Alevels “
The eldest is now
in a full time job ,ahhh some help?
No
She walks in saying what’s for tea ,I ask for help ..she’s got a full time time job ,she says ,and I’ve more time on my hands so she should not need to help .
Next one down ,is his fathers son ,and I’m frequently told it’s all women’s work.He flatly refuses to lift a finger
Next one says nothing ,keeps out of the way ,does nothing
Youngest is 10 and helps more than the others
So I’m on strike ,I’m on all kinds of strike ,nothing has been cleaned in a month ,surely one of them will clean the bathroom.
But it’s bothering me more than them
I’m just waiting for them all to leave home ,and I resent them .
None of them can leave home ,and I’m just miserable.

So you’ve stopped all cleaning? What about cooking and laundry? If you’re on strike make sure they know, they know why, and that it inconveniences them!

Ignore Leanne, she’s been rude and unhelpful on other threads too.

No ,she’s right it is my own fault

I’ve tried to hard to be a good parent ,and this is where I’ve ended up

Arrange to go away for a week

I was reading through your post and thinking you should just stop doing things for them. Do nothing at all!

Like Shirley Valentine 😀

Wow I'd be saying wither help out or all treats would be stopping and the money spent on a cleaner to help you.

I didn’t mind doing it all when they were little ,but I mind now

We don’t really give them money ,they are adults now with money of their own

When she walks in and says, 'what's for tea', howsabout saying, I don't know what you're having, but I've made mine, and I'm having x. I'd be cooking for me and the youngest and the rest of them could go fornicate themselves off sideways. I'd be doing mine and his washing, nobody elses.

It’s too little to late I think ,it is my own fault ,I’d of been better asking for advice on here rather than moaning
If it works in your house with adult children ,how exactly?

That's a shame. I was going to suggest getting GoHenry, but with only jobs on it not money!

Do they pay you rent? Put it up enough % to pay a cleaner (or they can pay same rent but complete specific jobs).

You could leave rather than waiting for them too. Take the 10 year old with you.
If you dh isn't supportive, what will change?
Can you call a family meeting and explain how unhappy you are and that this is what needs to change (not what you want to change, this needs to happen). Be realistic but make sure everyone gets jobs that they can do without your input and leave them to it.

@RemyHadley

Ignore Leanne, she’s been rude and unhelpful on other threads too.

Not being rude. This is most definitely her own fault and it's likely unable to be fixed without eviction papers. She should have had the kids even the son doing some kind of chore around the house well before school age. She has literally enabled and encouraged this. Now her children are incapable of looking after themselves and are lazy

Mbosnz,would you still say / do that if she was a nurse working long shifts?
It feels to mean when she gets in exhausted

How much do they contribute to their keep?

Maybe YOU need to leave home. Think of it. An immaculate 1 bed place...

I’ve said ..yes it’s my fault ...I know it’s my fault ...
Just asking for a bit of advice please

50 a week ,for everything including food

Yes, I would. Nurses working long shifts that aren't living at Mum and Dad's, and expecting Mum to do everything for them - what do you think they do? They're doing their grocery shopping, their cleaning, their washing, and their cooking.

She needs to learn how to do all this. Plus her job.

Once she lost the lip and the attitude, and was prepared to pitch in, then I'd be happy to help her sort out how she's going to do it, and when, maybe some batch-cooking in the weekends, quick easy meals etc.

I dream of leaving home ,but it’s not going to happen, the eldest Son will never leave home ,he can’t be left .
So when he’s refused to help the others haven’t either
I can’t not cook for him ,he leaves the gas on ..he’s had it on at 4 am .

And same with the one that says it's women's work. No it isn't, little buddy. You want washing, you do it. You want food, you do it. Or contribute to it. Oh, and by the way, any woman with half an ounce of self respect will run screaming from you, little man, you are seriously screening yourself out of the gene pool.

@Veganfortheanimals

50 a week ,for everything including food

So the DC who works pays £50 a week and gets everything, cleaning, laundry, cooking including hot food on walking in thro the front door?

Tell her to take her £50 a week and go find somewhere she can continue living the lifestyle she is currently living you’re done cleaning up after her.

I’d follow suit with all the others.

The older one with Autism is he an adult, can you look at getting him into some sort of sheltered housing?

In the meantime I’d do nothing at all for anyone bar yourself and youngest. That includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shop anything.

They’ll soon buck up their ideas when they've got no clean clothes and no food.