After 20 years ,why is the housework still my responsibility

[Veganfortheanimals]

Just as a background
I’ve 2 dc with autism ,with a huge gap between them and kids either side .both couldn’t cope with school and had LEA provided for tutors ,as fast as I settled one in college ,after having his whole secondary education at home ( when tutor is in house a parent has to be supervising)
,the other one started school refusing, and is awaiting A special school.I’ve been home schooling the youngest for the past 2 years .
I worked out there was ,in 20 years ,6 months where all 4 were in school / job / uni at the same time ,6 months were I could of got a job ,by the time I got myself together ,the next one Got a diagnosis and came out Of school.
Dh always worked odd hours ,whatever job he got ,you could guarantee ,oddly ,there would be no 9 to 5..
I’ve cleaned ,mopped ,hoovered ,cooked for all of them for 20 years .
I’ve done a rota countless times ,that gets torn down.
On and of I’ve got a cleaner (friend) of mine in to help ,(6 weeks max out of 20 years)they have all gone mad at their stuff being touched
When the eldest was doing Alevels I thought I had another adult to help me ,I asked her to hoover ,she said “ are you trying to get me to fail my Alevels “
The eldest is now
in a full time job ,ahhh some help?
No
She walks in saying what’s for tea ,I ask for help ..she’s got a full time time job ,she says ,and I’ve more time on my hands so she should not need to help .
Next one down ,is his fathers son ,and I’m frequently told it’s all women’s work.He flatly refuses to lift a finger
Next one says nothing ,keeps out of the way ,does nothing
Youngest is 10 and helps more than the others
So I’m on strike ,I’m on all kinds of strike ,nothing has been cleaned in a month ,surely one of them will clean the bathroom.
But it’s bothering me more than them
I’m just waiting for them all to leave home ,and I resent them .
None of them can leave home ,and I’m just miserable.

Thanks for the advice everyone,I will start with a family meeting, and Give them a list of jobs each ..I expect I will home schooling the youngest from September again ,so I don’t want to have to be doing everything for 5 adults then .

@mbosnz

And same with the one that says it's women's work. No it isn't, little buddy. You want washing, you do it. You want food, you do it. Or contribute to it. Oh, and by the way, any woman with half an ounce of self respect will run screaming from you, little man, you are seriously screening yourself out of the gene pool.

couldn't have put it better.

I think you have a couple of options. Firstly I would be going away on my own for a week to 10 days (if at all possible) and leaving them too it.
Second photographic evidence to show what you do. So much housework is 'invisible'
Third you need to have a family meeting and be strong. Have a clear idea about what you want and why. After all learning these life skills will help everyone in the house.
Think about what ppl can do - for example if your son won’t turn the gas off, what can he do? Something else that also contributes?
Remember what you are asking isn’t unreasonable. And it may take a while and some push back to move forward.
Also some tips I picked up along the way: adults have to keep all their possessions in their room. If too many things then it’s time to move out.
Refusal to help is ok but then more money for keep has to be provide to pay for someone to provide the service that the adult refuses to contribute to the home.

Vegan, do you think that rather than giving them a list of chores, you could say, 'right, these are the things that need to be done, them wot lives here contributes, each according to their ability'.

Those who choose not to contribute, will find their level of comfort severely hampered, as they find restaurant and laundry services severely curtailed, if not completely removed. Being the proud possessor of a penis does not make you exempt, and if you try to crack on that it does, you're going to find yourself wishing for the day you can leave home and live wherever you can afford, with nobody doing anything for you.

So, this is what needs doing, who is going to do what? The person that cannot cook - can they hoover? Do the washing? What can they do that doesn't involve the cooker.

And that board seems set really rather low.

Could you charge board and chores and if they help it reduces the bill? Though They might be happy to pay it!

Grow a spine, lay down the new rules and stick to them. You should have done it 20 years ago.

I can see exactly how it’s happened- the other DC think it’s unfair to be treated differently to your adult DS who needs extra attention & special consideration. And probs you’ve been compensating too and feel yourself it’s a bit unfair, so you’ve taken the path of least resistance. Abc without your DH onboard, it’s all on you to make the changes and insist, and that’s shit.

So first you need to get all the grown adults with jobs contributing properly (DH, DD), explain VERY FUCKING CLEARLY that carer & homeschool teacher is your full-time job, and then insist on the younger kids doing their share appropriately too.

Otherwise I really would just cook, clean & wash only for the dependent DC.

When my son started work he wasn’t earning very much but was doing nothing around the house. My husband will always say everyone should take responsibility for cleaning etc but then not do it ( to be fair he does a fair amount of voluntary work as well as working full time ) . I was working full time ( you being a full time Carer means you are working twice as hard as everyone else .) Anyway it all got too much and I asked why if 3 working adults live in the house why does only 1 of them do the housework. There was a lot of yes you are right and of course we will do more but no actual improvement, tried a household rota err nope no change . So I said we are getting a cleaner and your share is £whatever it was ( can’t remember now) Husband was fine with it, son not so much and obviously I charged him a fair amount less due to his lower wage. Son said I think I would rather do the cleaning. Ok I said well this is what the cleaner ( you) will do and gave him the list. There was a pause then ahem well maybe on the other hand I could contribute. It was bliss! Strangely the house, washing, shopping and cleaning all seemed a lot easier when son left home , there was certainly a lot less that needed doing so I stopped the cleaner. Son is very good in his own place, husband still a work in progress

Have the meeting to tell them the rent is going up to £100 as they will need to pay for the cleaner and take away meals as you aren't available any more.

It is not too late otherwise there would be no point asking for help. I suggest tomorrow after a lovely lunch you tell them all how they have been treating you like staff and it stops now. They either pay the going rate for food, roof over their heads, laundry services etc or they grow up and become valuable members of the team.

My kids are 15-19 and we have tried various schemes for chores and pocket money and I know where I have made mistakes but the system works well now, tbh it is me that needs to improve as much as them.

@Veganfortheanimals
I've no advice. Just empathy.

I have 4. 3 teenagers and an 8 yr old. They do nothing. I've tried rota's and bribery and threats and nothing works. 15yr old with SEN will help if asked directly but forgets half way through a task and wanders off. 8 yr old is a bit feeble and the other 2 girls literally just laugh at me and say no. I am also done.

Stop doing their laundry; just do your own.
Stop cooking.
Stop being a doormat.

Your husband is abusive and his contempt has rubbed off on the kids. If the older two won't move out, you'll have to force a family home sale and buy your own place. You cant go on like this for another 10-25 years (and see another child ruined). You just can't. If your husband won't back you, you need to back yourself (and your youngest child).

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

Arrange to go away for a week

Definitely this. Go away for a week, and then book another night in a hotel nearby. Get back to the house (briefly) and if it's a mess) check in to nearby hotel and take the wifi thing with you.

I sympathise. I get home from work and and my teenagers say what's for dinner even though I've been telling them for 16 weeks now that as I'm out of the house all day and they're at home all day, I may make dinner, but if they're hungry, to make it themselves. The message is slow to sink in.

Your eldest told you running around after him is women's work? OMG, do nothing ever again for him. NOTHING.

I don’t know why OP - it is a little depressing. Having said that, two of my best friends ‘do’ most of the housework except they are really messy so cause most of the mess! And my Ex was amazing at the housework - but cheated on me... no easy answers!

My mum used to say she was on strike, we just rolled ours eyes.
We used to say what’s for tea and she’s say ‘it’s make it yourself’ and again we rolled our eyes.

She never ever kept to it. If we made a sandwich for teas it would bother her more than us.

You need to stick to it, decide what is your minimum standard and stick to it. What are the consequences if the rat is broken?

I wouldn't lift a finger to help them at all, until they wise up. Only buy food and cook for you and your youngest, but not them, change the wifi password and don't give it to them, no more laundry or ironing etc. Double their rent or at least put it up 50%, rent no longer covers food or extras. Get them to take turns topping up the electric and gas (with their own money). They're taking the piss big time, and will continue to walk all over, you like you were a door mat, until you stand up to them.

It s going to take a,shikd to rs train everyone seen for so long you have done it all.
Start small.
On mondays you no longer cook. Let them work it out. Then add Wednesdays. Then add Fridays.
Stop ironing. If you do this.
Let everyone find and fold their clothes from the basket.
Slowly step by step.

It s going to take a while to retrain expectations

*all over you, like (that should have said).

I wouldn't do any cooking or laundry etc for your husband either.

And agree you could always sell up, (or find a new rental), downsize, and tell them it's time to make their own way, as a last resort.

Sorry this is your own fault. You had enough to do without making yourself a martyr.
My kids would never have behaved like that, they were raised to muck in as part of team family. It helps prepare them for adulthood.
Can they not cook for themselves and if they don't pull their weight now is the time to leave mummy.
Where is Dad in all this, apart from teaching his son that it's women's work. I can't believe in this day and age you'd let that go for a second.

IDGI, I'm autistic and I did housework. Even when I had GCSE revision. My stepdad was insistent on that. I remember doing the washing up one night while I had my history textbook propped open.

Also, 'women's work'? No it fucking is not. He's never going to get a girlfriend with that attitude, this is not the 1950s.

I'd take the 10 year old and move out. Tell you DH he can deal with the rest of the spoiled entitled brats and do some housework himself, too, since he seems to have absolved himself from any of it as well.

@Veganfortheanimals

Mbosnz,would you still say / do that if she was a nurse working long shifts? It feels to mean when she gets in exhausted

If she is employed by the NHS and working long shifts, she’s only working 3 days a week (or 4 if not so long shifts) as full time hours are 37.5 each week. That leaves her plenty of time to help out in the house. I worked for the NHS, and would have been given short shrift at home, if I had tried to say I was too exhausted to do any housework or look after the children! I feel really sorry for any partner she ever has if she uses this as an excuse to do nothing when she isn’t working. You aren’t doing her any favours by letting her get away with being lazy and entitled!