After 20 years ,why is the housework still my responsibility

[Veganfortheanimals]

Just as a background
I’ve 2 dc with autism ,with a huge gap between them and kids either side .both couldn’t cope with school and had LEA provided for tutors ,as fast as I settled one in college ,after having his whole secondary education at home ( when tutor is in house a parent has to be supervising)
,the other one started school refusing, and is awaiting A special school.I’ve been home schooling the youngest for the past 2 years .
I worked out there was ,in 20 years ,6 months where all 4 were in school / job / uni at the same time ,6 months were I could of got a job ,by the time I got myself together ,the next one Got a diagnosis and came out Of school.
Dh always worked odd hours ,whatever job he got ,you could guarantee ,oddly ,there would be no 9 to 5..
I’ve cleaned ,mopped ,hoovered ,cooked for all of them for 20 years .
I’ve done a rota countless times ,that gets torn down.
On and of I’ve got a cleaner (friend) of mine in to help ,(6 weeks max out of 20 years)they have all gone mad at their stuff being touched
When the eldest was doing Alevels I thought I had another adult to help me ,I asked her to hoover ,she said “ are you trying to get me to fail my Alevels “
The eldest is now
in a full time job ,ahhh some help?
No
She walks in saying what’s for tea ,I ask for help ..she’s got a full time time job ,she says ,and I’ve more time on my hands so she should not need to help .
Next one down ,is his fathers son ,and I’m frequently told it’s all women’s work.He flatly refuses to lift a finger
Next one says nothing ,keeps out of the way ,does nothing
Youngest is 10 and helps more than the others
So I’m on strike ,I’m on all kinds of strike ,nothing has been cleaned in a month ,surely one of them will clean the bathroom.
But it’s bothering me more than them
I’m just waiting for them all to leave home ,and I resent them .
None of them can leave home ,and I’m just miserable.

What would happen if you fell ill or became incapable of carrying out these tasks? I am not saying that in an emotionally manipulative way, but just to provoke reflection. They would have to step up and do it, between them, wouldn't they?

You have taken on the role of homemaker and carer for a very long time, but there comes a time when you need to leave space for people to do it themselves. I think you have left it quite late, but there is still time to turn things around.

Going away for a week or even a few days (but making no preparations before you go) would be a very good start.

So where are you booking your week away? Personally, I love Premier Inn. Breakfasts to die for.
If say, and God forbid!, you broke your arm and legs, you were in hospital for 8 weeks, do you think they would die of starvation? Would they wear the same clothes until they rotted off their backs?
No, of course not.

An adult would organise a shopping delivery, cooking rota, cleaning and laundry. Normal stuff.
Take a massive step back and let them make mistakes and fail and moan and whine and eventually, Gosh, behave like adults.
Obviously, look after the youngest.

OP - it's hard. With regard to your 2 autistic dc, you know what you can expect them to do, or not, so take them out of the equation.

With the other 2, sit them down and explain that you are exhausted. 20 yrs of doing this, and now you need some help. Tell them what they could do to help. i.e. - eldest with job - own washing and maybe one of autistic dc washing, keeping own room clean and tidy, helping with shopping and food prep. Explain that either they help clean, or you get a cleaner. Full stop. And stick to it. Give them, say, 4 weeks to prove they can/can't do it. 10yr old can have chores for pocket money - full payment for chores done without being asked, half money if they have to be asked to do them.

DH can do his own washing and ironing. Maybe give him the responsibility for cleaning the bathroom.
Kids won't clean, and it won't bother them. You'll cave in first!
The sexism needs to be addressed - simply not acceptable in this day and age. Remind him if he wants to live in the dark ages, he'd be out working down the pit or up a chimney, and have on wiFi or gadgets.

Good luck op. You can do this.

It's never too late don't give up. Let them know how serious things are. If nothing changes then you have some decisions to make I would think

@frazzledasarock
”So the DC who works pays £50 a week and gets everything, cleaning, laundry, cooking including hot food on walking in thro the front door?”

”Tell her to take her £50 a week and go find somewhere she can continue living the lifestyle she is currently living you’re done cleaning up after her.”

Completely agree with you here. My youngest son moved out to stay with a friend, because of Covid, as his father was high risk and we were shielding. Think it took about 2 weeks for the novelty to wear off, but he had to stick it out. He did say that he hadn’t realised how lucky he was at home (pays £250 a month). He came home on Thursday and has actually taken his turn at washing the dishes, hoovered and brought in the washing, without being asked. He is even offering to take his turn cooking! Don’t know how long he’ll keep it up, but it’s great at the moment!

Have you had any help from adult Social Services with your eldest? I would phone your County Council to request a care needs assessment. You need some help from somewhere to plan his future.

You need a job outside the home for yourself and your own place. Start with Social Services and take it from there.

Plan for your future, op. Let them know that you will be moving on whether they do or not.

I think you may have been too soft on them and it's now coming back to bite you on the bum.

But it's not too late to instil some basic manners, curteousy and allocating a job to each child. So child a has to .... put the bins out, empty the dishwasher etc.