To still feel judged because I didn’t breast feed and other things.

[GJ14]

I don’t want this to the a debate on which way to feed you children. I have two children aged 10 & 5 year’s old. They were bottle fed, totally healthy, strong and rarely ill. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried breastfeeding but I didn’t, I can’t change that. They are healthy. I wanted to bottle feed them for my own reasons - I believe a happy mother = a happy baby which ever way you choose to feed.

Anyhow, like I said no debates. But my ex (oldest child’s dad) has recently had a baby with his new partner. We are on generally good terms. Split up 10 years ago when I was heavily pregnant. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years.

I light heartedly said to him oh are you helping with the night feeds then.

His reply: no I don’t have to because she breastfeeds.

(Fair point, good for her ^ )

Ex then says: well you didn’t breastfeed did you, you didn’t want to do the best thing for them and chose formula for your own benefit.

Me: right.. okay! (Me gobsmacked not knowing what to say).

I don’t know what he means by own benefit truthfully. I was quite young, I chose to bottle feed and that’s that.

He wasn’t around much when DS was a baby. In fact he did bugger all. We split when I was pregnant. I did all the night feeds etc and certainly didn’t bottle feed just because people could do it for me. I did it all on my own and he knows that!

Admittedly when Dd was both bottle feeding meant oh would help out with night feeds too but this wasn’t the reason I chose to bottle feed.

Aibu to think comments like this are unnecessary when he wasn’t around, didn’t provide or pay for his son when he was tiny?

It’s not just this. He compares what his new partner does to me all the time yet we’ve never actually been together as parents to DS (and he’s never had DS for more than a few hours at a time, even now he’s older). Clearly me and his new girlfriend have different approaches to parenting which is fine but I hate the comparing he does all the time.

Also DS was a late developer with walking and talking (you wouldn’t think it now mind). Dd was the same, as was I (didn’t talk until 3-4 myself). He also has a 3 year old with his new partner and he’s always bragging how advance he is compared to DS and it’s disheartening comparing two children. Things like ‘oh his speech is so good compared to DS’s was). I know we are all guilty of comparing children but I feel it’s inappropriate for him to do this and it makes me feel like it’s my fault!

Aibu to tell him to butt out my life. I’ve learnt it’s best to just not engage in conversation with him 🤣

He seems to treat life as a competition!

Your ex is a dick.

I bf two children for over a year but there is a lot more to parenting than bf/ff, and it sounds like your ex was a shit parent while you did all the work.

You and your kids are happy and healthy, no thanks to him.

Yikes

Just ignore him. X

Sorry. Pressed to soon. You said no debates so I won't comment on my thoughts about the first part. In regard to the rest he is a total dickhead but so are you for engaging with him. He left you pregnant and did nothing for you. Why are you not (if you have to engage) throwing back in his face how different it is parenting with your other half and having some one who is present and actively parenting??

Just ignore him...he sounds like a total idiot

Why do you care what he thinks? The term “ex” is all you need to think about.

Reality is we all have our own approach to parenting, even in terms of how we parent different children. But ultimately as long as all the kids end up growing into healthy happy adults that’s all that needs to be said.

Reality is that he’s probably making a dig at the fact you FF because then there was an expectation on him to help whereas now given his GF is bf he can legitimately duck out of being a father. Iyswim.

Wow he is such a twat, his poor current wife!

Just tell him you won't listen to ridiculous comparisons and not sure why he is anyway as he did fuck all as a parent....and move on. Don't be afraid to be blunt with him to shut him up. He clearly has his own issues.

Never feel anything about whether you bottle fed or breast fed. I did a combi feed so saw the world from both sides. If we did it again.....bottle feed all the way and I'll be quite dandy about it.

Aibu to think comments like this are unnecessary when he wasn’t around, didn’t provide or pay for his son when he was tiny?

It’s much more than unnecessary, he’s a total arsehole.

I know people like him. Their own insecurities inform everything they do. He puts you down to feel better about himself. It’s pathetic.

Please do not give him any headspace. Google ‘grey rock’ technique, that might help you disengage from him.

I'd definitly have pointed out to him that he barely did anything for DS so how can he talk.

Why do you care what he says? He is nothing to you, ignore him. Plus he's a dick.

What a peach.

The comparison of his own children, and the fact that he seems to believe that only the behaviour of the mother impacts the development of of a child tells me everything I need to know about him.

Honestly I know it’s tough but you would do best to ignore and be thankful for your lucky escape.

I agree with you, each family needs to do what's right for them. Ignore him completely. 😊 It's not hard to see why he's your ex.

As an aside he totally could help his new wife with night feeds, the only bit he can't do is the literal feeding bit. 🙄

Your ex is a cunt. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

It’s a way to make you feel shit. These men absolutely love to tell you you’re a bad mother, they know it’s kryptonite to us.

Most of us look back at things we did when the kids were tiny and wish we’d done things differently. Perhaps if you had your children now with a different man you’d have breast fed, who knows!! I did breast feed and found it incredibly difficult and painful. I can always sympathise with those who chose not to or tried and switched to formula.

I know it’s easy for me to say but don’t let him get to you. Your children are healthy and happy and he is a nasty bitter man who will no doubt fuck god new child up by doing all manner of nasty, selfish things as it grows. Good emotional health is a huge asset to growing children and breast feeding will do nothing to impact that.

He’s been a crap dad to your shared son and you obviously don’t like each other so I’d leave chit chat to the bare minimum regarding your child.

What were you hoping he’d say when you asked if he was helping with night feeds? It clearly wasn’t that lighthearted and it’s none of your business. If he’d said yes would you have been more upset he wasn’t around when DS was a baby? You’d either have been annoyed he’s better now or felt justified he’s not and she’s having as shit a time as you did. Nothing really to be gained from prying.

You’re happy with your choices. Hopefully his partner is happy with hers. That’s all that matters.

Your language is interesting, she’s not his new girlfriend if they have a three year old. She’s his partner and the mother of two of his children, your son’s step mum and mum of his half siblings. Trying to minimise her role because you don’t make the same parenting decisions is odd and unlikely to make you feel better. You’re making it a competition too - you’ve had a partner for 9 years, his is new.

Your ex is a sanctimonious prick but you already know that. Don’t engage, don’t pry into their lives, focus on your own partner and children.

Considering that he didn't even stick around for you to have your second child together, he has got a bloody nerve to make these comments. Perhaps next time he mentions something like this you should respond by telling him that if he is a better parent, why did he not ever look after his own children then?

We he sounds charming! I would struggle not to snap back about his behaviour if he made any critical comment about your parenting after he had left like that!
You did what worked best for you under challenging circumstances from the sound of it.
Also - loads of babies hit their milestones a bit late if a parent did. They catch up! I was late on loads of mine - MiL can’t help herself but say she hopes DD hits them early like my DH. I do gently point out that I’m a doctor now and did sports at a high level so not too much lasting damage from walking a bit late :)

Ignore his comments. He sounds immature meningitis comparisons like it's some kind of competition.

Maybe try and avoid conversations about his kids or calmly say (with a smile) every child is different and does things in their own time... then change the topic or end it.

He'll soon get the message if he has anything between his ears.

Tell him to fuck off.

Ugh, what a prince. Ignore! He's just being an asshole. I feel sorry for his new dp. Does anyone else think when he says "for your own benefit", he means, "not for my benefit", because he had to help with the odd night feed?

He sounds like a dick. I don't think the way you choose to feed your children is the problem here - he would have found something else to make a dig about if you breastfed.

My ex is/was like this, always trying to get one up on me. We stayed friends for a short while but I soon realised he only messaged me when he had something to brag about. When I bought my house all he could comment was how small it was yeah sorry that's all I can afford and that if we stayed together I would have had a bigger house. Needless to say we aren't "friends" any more.

He sounds like the sort of person who would find fault and make digs about any choice you had made.

Thanks all. He came over to see DS I just asked how how the baby was. I casually asked how the night feeds were - general chit chat more than anything for me trying to make conversation.

This has been happening over the years with different things. But more so lately. I try not engage in conversation with him but he’s generally competitive with everything tbh it’s just disheartening when it’s about his own child.

The problem is I’m rubbish at standing up for myself and let people say stuff without standing my ground. I always think of a witty reply after the moment has gone 🤣

He’ll drop DS off and tells me randomly how much he’s just spent on something randomly like I give a damn 🤣

Next time he does it ask him why after all these years does he find it necessary to try and point score. Does he realize how pathetic he sounds? Tell him you could remind how of useless he was as a father regarding providing for his child.

Ex then says: well you didn’t breastfeed did you, you didn’t want to do the best thing for them and chose formula for your own benefit

YABU for still feeling guilty (seriously, doesn't matter whether bottle or breastfed, everyone does what's best for them and their circumstances! HATE all this judginess over how we feed our babies)
YANBU for making this dickhead your ex (nice move! Can see why he's an ex lol)