To still feel judged because I didn’t breast feed and other things.

[GJ14]

I don’t want this to the a debate on which way to feed you children. I have two children aged 10 & 5 year’s old. They were bottle fed, totally healthy, strong and rarely ill. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried breastfeeding but I didn’t, I can’t change that. They are healthy. I wanted to bottle feed them for my own reasons - I believe a happy mother = a happy baby which ever way you choose to feed.

Anyhow, like I said no debates. But my ex (oldest child’s dad) has recently had a baby with his new partner. We are on generally good terms. Split up 10 years ago when I was heavily pregnant. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years.

I light heartedly said to him oh are you helping with the night feeds then.

His reply: no I don’t have to because she breastfeeds.

(Fair point, good for her ^ )

Ex then says: well you didn’t breastfeed did you, you didn’t want to do the best thing for them and chose formula for your own benefit.

Me: right.. okay! (Me gobsmacked not knowing what to say).

I don’t know what he means by own benefit truthfully. I was quite young, I chose to bottle feed and that’s that.

He wasn’t around much when DS was a baby. In fact he did bugger all. We split when I was pregnant. I did all the night feeds etc and certainly didn’t bottle feed just because people could do it for me. I did it all on my own and he knows that!

Admittedly when Dd was both bottle feeding meant oh would help out with night feeds too but this wasn’t the reason I chose to bottle feed.

Aibu to think comments like this are unnecessary when he wasn’t around, didn’t provide or pay for his son when he was tiny?

It’s not just this. He compares what his new partner does to me all the time yet we’ve never actually been together as parents to DS (and he’s never had DS for more than a few hours at a time, even now he’s older). Clearly me and his new girlfriend have different approaches to parenting which is fine but I hate the comparing he does all the time.

Also DS was a late developer with walking and talking (you wouldn’t think it now mind). Dd was the same, as was I (didn’t talk until 3-4 myself). He also has a 3 year old with his new partner and he’s always bragging how advance he is compared to DS and it’s disheartening comparing two children. Things like ‘oh his speech is so good compared to DS’s was). I know we are all guilty of comparing children but I feel it’s inappropriate for him to do this and it makes me feel like it’s my fault!

Aibu to tell him to butt out my life. I’ve learnt it’s best to just not engage in conversation with him 🤣

He seems to treat life as a competition!

He is a dick. It really doesn't matter and there's absolutely no need for you to feel guilty.

He's a dick.
You did what was best for you AND your baby, which is more than can be said for him.

He’s a dick. Any time he makes a comment about how new baby is being parented, practise your best tinkly laugh and say “baby is so lucky to have two parents so devoted to looking after them.”

No, he’s a massive dickhead. I really can’t think of anybody who cares about how a baby was fed once they’re a little older. It’s not an issue anymore. It seems like such a huge, big deal when they’re little (and prompts loads of discussion and joining of groups and arguments) and then it becomes unimportant as you’re absorbed in whatever stage they’re in as they get older.

And realistically, everybody does what is best for them when dealing with a baby. People who really struggle to breastfeed and continue to do it anyway are doing it because they think it is the best for their child... and it is best for them to think that they are doing the best they can for their child. I’m not sure if I’ve worded that correctly, but everybody does what works for them and there can be a variety of reasons and motivations for that.

Some parents are quite militant about their way being best, and some parents are insanely competitive and seriously seem to believe that they invented parenting and everybody else just dragged their kids up. I have this a little with my in laws at the moment, but I don’t say anything because they are full on in pfb mode, as I know I was with my first child.

I’m sure he’ll be doing this just to wind you up and prove to himself how much better he and his current partner are. Do you have to make small talk with him? I don’t engage with my ex at all anymore unless there is a specific issue regarding our son that needs discussion. He still manages to wind me up but it’s with his behaviour rather than the rubbish that comes out of his mouth, and I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

@Morred

He’s a dick. Any time he makes a comment about how new baby is being parented, practise your best tinkly laugh and say “baby is so lucky to have two parents so devoted to looking after them.”

Tbh, I don't think the baby is lucky at all to have this wanker around in his / her life, so I couldn't say this^^ with a straight face personally!

Breast milk is without a doubt the best choice for the majority of babies, you chose not to breastfeed and are happy with the decision. So like it or not he's not incorrect in what he said he is an absolute knob for saying it.

He's a wanker and he's trying to get to you. Give him your best, sweetest, most saccharine praise when he brags i.e. "well done you, aren't you just doing wonderfully this time around" and laugh to yourself af the fact he seems to need the same kind of validation as a toddler does.

Ex then says: well you didn’t breastfeed did you, you didn’t want to do the best thing for them and chose formula for your own benefit.

Joining the chorus here, to sing “He’s a dick!”

FWIW I breastfed both of mine for two years each. Whoopdedoo. When I take them to school there is NO way of telling which kids were breastfed and which weren’t.

Fed is best.

A friend of mine, who is an extremely bright and articulate (and a librarian) told me once that she didn’t speak until she was 4 years old. You’d never know 🤷‍♀️

This is about your ex being a dick, not about your parenting. Look vaguely into the middle distance and say “Ahhh” when he says something inappropriate. Don’t play his game.

So next time he starts just turn the conversation to his parenting of his so , we’ll why did you only take him for three hours, is it because you can’t cope
, that’s not very good parenting is it, done to suit you

And so on and so on

You need to give as good as you get

Perhaps just say to him how nice it is he is able to be around this new child and do full on parenting, unlike what he was able to do with your child.

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

Breast milk is without a doubt the best choice for the majority of babies, you chose not to breastfeed and are happy with the decision. So like it or not he's not incorrect in what he said he is an absolute knob for saying it.

I can see benefits to both for the baby as well tbh. If breastfeeding works as expected, it is probably better for everyone, but sometimes bottles are better.

I have done EBF, combo feeding, FF and exclusively pumped with mine at various points, so I've seen pretty much every version of feeding and agree with the fed is best message.

He obviously is comparing, it's natural to do so but just ignore it if he's annoying. I've certainly had conversations with dp and he's amazed how I raised my kids (I'm a bit of a hippy earth mother type) compared to his ex. (We don't have kids together, too old) it's normal to compare as I say.

There's no right or wrong, just because I breastfed and used cloth nappies doesn't make me a better mother, told let him tell you otherwise

Your ex is a dick. I bf but have friends who didnt. Really really don't care about it. If anything I worried my friend would think I'm weird for still bf!

You obviously know he’s trying to get a rise out of you, of course come rant here but just don’t bite in front of him 😄 he’ll be desperate for you to show you care.

I always find with these people sugary sweet is the way to go. The odd person I know who does this I’m all like “oh wow, that’s AMAZING” with a big grin 😈

@minnieok

He obviously is comparing, it's natural to do so but just ignore it if he's annoying. I've certainly had conversations with dp and he's amazed how I raised my kids (I'm a bit of a hippy earth mother type) compared to his ex. (We don't have kids together, too old) it's normal to compare as I say.

There's no right or wrong, just because I breastfed and used cloth nappies doesn't make me a better mother, told let him tell you otherwise

No, it really isn't normal to compare. It is usually a pissing competition for men. Oh look what my current partner is like. Soooooo much better than you. It's a parting shot. If it wasn't parenting, it would be something else. It's nasty, misogynistic, aggression.

It is impossible to compare parenting like for like as he is, (this is good, this is bad), assuming both styles are normal parenting, ie not abusive. Anyone with an ounce of empathy can understand why parenting styles won't be exactly the same for different families.

By "amazed by", do you mean he praises you all the time and compared his ex to you unfavourably? As long as you're happy for him to say you're slack and too hippy if he ever moves on 🤷‍♀️.

What a prick.

Incidentally, I breastfed. And I absolutely couldn’t have done it without the full support of my husband, my mum, and several lactation consultants and HVs.

My point is that I couldn’t possibly have done it alone, so if he’s playing a blame game about how your son was fed (which he shouldn’t) then he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.

PRICK.

OP the most important word in your post is "ex". Stop having chit chat with him as you don't get on. Your joint children don't want to hear his or your barbed comments to one another. Just exchange pleasantries and if you have to talk about anything talk about the weather.

What a dickhead, newborns are such hard work and he left you to do all of it! How dare he judge.

But seriously though, I very much doubt your DS taking a big of extra time to walk and talk has anything to do with how he was fed. Some kids do and the range of normal is massive.

You said no debates so I won't comment on my thoughts about the first part. In regard to the rest he is a total dickhead

Isn’t that statement doing exactly what you said you weren’t doing?

OP, he’s a twat. You looked after your baby. No need to feel guilty about anything. He’s not in a position to comment as he wasn’t there and I would remind him of that.

Do you think he feels like he "failed" with your DS and he's trying to do it "better" this time?

if he was that worried about the best for the dc did he breastfeed them ? no ? thought not, then he isn't in a place to judge and can fuck right off.
i had this shit from several people with all my dc, i chose not to bf as i didn't want to. very few colds, illnesses as babies / young children and now all strapping great adults taller than me
youmade the right decision foryou it doesn't matter what others might say, please don't feel judged. you gave them formula and they thrived that's all that matters.

This isn't about breastfeeding, it's about you listening to a bellend. You need to practise laughing in his face. Easier than thinking of a witty retort every time he says something stupid, just laugh.

He's a twat.

Of course he should butt out. He sounds very insecure about his own parenting actually! I'd be tempted to say 'are you a better parent this time around then? Is that what makes the difference?'

He sounds like a total dick.

Without getting into the bf/ff debate, even if his partner is exclusively breastfeeding, if he wanted to help at night he still could. He could give a bottle of expressed breastmilk if his partner wanted that, or he could help by doing nappy changes if still needed at night, or by taking the baby in the early morning for an hour or two so his partner can get some sleep. So he sounds selfish on that count too, as well as what he said to you being out of order.

Just one other thing, before I shut my big gob.

But, when parents separate, men who refuse to speak negatively about their exes and their parenting end up with much, much happier children. Abuse or something very serious aside, when one parent starts picking at the other parent's parenting like this, it always ends in tears and instability for the dcs. Such a bad choice to start doing this. If, like some pps on here, i had a partner who slagged off his ex like this and praised me all the time, I would find it so insincere and a bit sickening. How convenient eh? The CURRENT partner just happens to be the perfect parent. What are the odds ?