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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you at least tidy up if an Estate Agent is coming to value your house?

68 replies

Thingsarel00kingup · 06/08/2020 23:01

Don't you? Isn't it a good idea to present your house in the best way possible? Not because it will increase the value, Estate Agents will see beyond that, but because it's right to make an effort (and not look like a minger!).

So it's not a drip-feed....

Tomorrow an EA is coming to value DP's house, with a view to him selling it and us getting somewhere together that is 'ours'. This was meant to happen 3 years ago but didn't. He was going to propose last winter, but didn't. He doesn't want to sell and get somewhere together does he?

I'm not pushing for this. In fact lockdown has made we wonder about the whole relationship - we've gone round the non-commitment loop a few times during nearly 6 years together. There's always been different 'reasons' (excuses) on his part, but those reasons have now ceased to exist. The 'right' things have often been said by him, but they feel like crumbs I've been thrown to keep me on side.

I've blitzed upstairs whilst he's been gaming! Actions speak volumes don't they?! I just don't know how to extricate myself....

Hmmmm. It's not really about the Estate Agent and tidying up is it?

OP posts:
MoreListeningLessChatting · 07/08/2020 08:28

I never quite understood the appeal of adults who sit around gaming whilst others get on with doing things that can be done. Reminds me of teenagers.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/08/2020 08:35

" I'm worried about upsetting him, I hate upsetting people and have previously sacrificed my happiness so as not to hurt my ex-husband Blush We were married far longer than we should have been. I feel the same thing is happening..."

Ye, the same thing is happening. I'm pretty impressed that you can see what is going on, and pretty despairing that you'll act on it.

Worried about upsetting him? Clearly that's not reciprocated. He's a user, and to him you are not someone who he's in a relationship with, you are a CONVENIENCE Sad. Sorry to be so harsh, but I feel you need a bit of big brutal shove, to actually act on what you do see.

So stop dreading ending it, and just end it. Then there won't be any more dread. Will he be upset? Yes, but not because he will miss YOU but for the loss of the convenience of having you stroking his ego, making him feel important because you put him first. Put yourself first! You deserve more than a manchild. While you are with him you are not enjoying your own company, and this 'relationship' is blocking you from entering a more fulfilling relationship with someone who's a lot better than this waste of space.

Original poster
Thingsarel00kingup · 07/08/2020 08:39

Thanks everyone, your replies are really opening my eyes even more, and really encouraging me. OMG, if this was a friend or my daughter, I'd be saying exactly what you are (and some!!).

Time to put myself first! With hindsight I realise I've always been subservient in all my relationships, including family and friends (but not kids, although I'm a bit of a soft touch).

And yes - I've got my own place thankfully. My daughter and her fiancé live with me as they're saving. I came to stay at (D?!)Ps at the start of lockdown. We all thought it was a good idea so (a) DD and fiancé got some space as we'd all be WFH and (b) me and the man-child could see each other.

I just want to go home. I don't want this to be my life. I'm really starting to resent him and feel so annoyed at myself. I've finished it before and always ended up caving-in. I realise I was very 'love bombed' in the beginning and we do get on really well, have a lot of fun but I think we are mates rather than a true partnership. Without me his life would stay exactly the same; same hobbies, same habits, same house, routine etc, just no me. Whereas without him my life would actually be better.

Thank you all again, you've helped so much. Life is too short to settle.

OP posts:
Andthewinnerislucky · 07/08/2020 08:40

@MistressMounthaven

Can you see it as also having advantages for him - I'm sure there is a right one for him out there, someone who appreciates his gaming addiction, laziness, grubby house - you are depriving him of that person OP Grin
Very true. You're both not for each other if who he is bothers you. He doesn't need to change for you just as you don't need to change for him.

Someone else will be more compatible and appreciate esch of you just the way you are but it's really not about someone else , it's about yourself.

If you wish to stay, then take him for who he is.

Andthewinnerislucky · 07/08/2020 08:41

@TW2013

I dread ending it though - not because I'm worried about being single (I love my own company, have plenty of family, friends and hobbies)

So why do you want to move in with him? What sort of commitment do you want from a man? If babies and security to raise them are not relevant to you and if you have your own place why not just wind it back to having your own house and finances and then just enjoying each other's company. I imagine lots of relationships would be better if they had separate homes and were just dating.

I fully agree with this. Couldn't have said it better.
fwwaftp · 07/08/2020 08:42

I just want to go home. I don't want this to be my life.

Go home. Let your DD know you'll be returning so she is prepared for you coming back. And then just go. Once you've decided you don't want this to be your life, don't waste another week or month of it on him.

Andthewinnerislucky · 07/08/2020 08:47

Well done OP. Just do it, as they say. Smile

ThickFast · 07/08/2020 08:56

Good on you, OP.

Spotsandstars · 07/08/2020 09:06

He's 50 and enjoys gaming? Urgh not attractive.

Nousernameforme · 07/08/2020 09:42

What is an acceptable past time for 50 year old men then @Spotsandstars?

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2020 17:56

@Spotsandstars

He's 50 and enjoys gaming? Urgh not attractive.
It's not the gaming that's the problem (I'm late 60s and enjoy it) it's the fact that it comes before more important things.
Sh05 · 07/08/2020 19:28

Has the EA been?
I think you should tell him you're going to spend some time at your own home with dd, then wait for him to get in touch with you. If he's serious about making a home and life with you he will obviously call you to update you on the house selling but I doubt he will and there will be your answer.
He is happy for you to be around and clean his house but nothing else

DBML · 07/08/2020 19:33

I wouldn’t need to clean and tidy if an EA was coming to value my house, because it’s always clean and tidy. If my house wasn’t spotless and looking nice, I’d find it really uncomfortable. DH is the same.
I’d therefore rethink the relationship based on that alone...no messy buggers living with me in my house! If he’s got time to game, he’s got time to look after his place.

2bazookas · 07/08/2020 20:06

please don't get a shared property with him.

Actually I think that's the message he's trying to give you.

KatherineParr4 · 07/08/2020 20:09

Dump him

Hopeisnotastrategy · 07/08/2020 20:09

m.youtube.com/watch?v=dt79h2tsb4g

PiataMaiNei · 07/08/2020 20:29

If you're starting to resent him, fuck it off while you've still no real ties to each other.

TheClitterati · 08/08/2020 10:55

Hope you are home now OP (or at least packing) - it's where you want to be!

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