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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you at least tidy up if an Estate Agent is coming to value your house?

68 replies

Thingsarel00kingup · 06/08/2020 23:01

Don't you? Isn't it a good idea to present your house in the best way possible? Not because it will increase the value, Estate Agents will see beyond that, but because it's right to make an effort (and not look like a minger!).

So it's not a drip-feed....

Tomorrow an EA is coming to value DP's house, with a view to him selling it and us getting somewhere together that is 'ours'. This was meant to happen 3 years ago but didn't. He was going to propose last winter, but didn't. He doesn't want to sell and get somewhere together does he?

I'm not pushing for this. In fact lockdown has made we wonder about the whole relationship - we've gone round the non-commitment loop a few times during nearly 6 years together. There's always been different 'reasons' (excuses) on his part, but those reasons have now ceased to exist. The 'right' things have often been said by him, but they feel like crumbs I've been thrown to keep me on side.

I've blitzed upstairs whilst he's been gaming! Actions speak volumes don't they?! I just don't know how to extricate myself....

Hmmmm. It's not really about the Estate Agent and tidying up is it?

OP posts:
Andthewinnerislucky · 07/08/2020 06:53

@Thingsarel00kingup

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really appreciate your honesty and kick up the butt!

It's a whole other thread for the reason(s) I've so little self-respect and am such a doormat Confused

Awareness is a huge step to change. It's great that you've noticed this. As you've said about him, i'll say to you: Take action (the one you know you must if you want to be happy), less words.

Then take more actions to find healing within yourself. Hope it works out.

pilates · 07/08/2020 06:53

Yes you’ve answered your own question. He doesn’t sound like he’s fully committed to you. Sorry.

goatley · 07/08/2020 06:55

sorry OP

He is showing you what his feelings are.

It took me many, many years of unsuitable boyfriends to realise how a committed life partner should behave.

Move on and leave him to his gaming in his messy house.

Original poster
Thingsarel00kingup · 07/08/2020 06:56

Oh gosh, you're all so right. I know it in my head, heart still catching up. We get on really well and have a lot of fun, but I know I've heard a lot of empty promises.

Fortunately not wasted the fertile years - I've got older kids, we're both 50. I act it, haha, he doesn't!

I dread ending it though - not because I'm worried about being single (I love my own company, have plenty of family, friends and hobbies). I'm worried about upsetting him, I hate upsetting people and have previously sacrificed my happiness so as not to hurt my ex-husband Blush We were married far longer than we should have been. I feel the same thing is happening...

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 07/08/2020 07:00

Don’t waste your life on his feelings.
Stay together if you want, but I wouldn’t buy together, and be aware that he won’t change.
It’s your choice as you’re an independent lady !

Fanthorpe · 07/08/2020 07:03

It’s much kinder to be honest with someone. Just carrying on isn’t helpful to him or you. Deep breath, tell him he can cancel the agent. See him as a friend for a drink perhaps, but go and enjoy your life.

Rookie93 · 07/08/2020 07:04

It's hard to do something you know is right for you, but will be painful to others - sometimes you have to put yourself first Flowers

Jaxinthebox · 07/08/2020 07:27

My suggestion - and you know its the right thing to do - is to get rid of him and work on your self esteem. Do you really want a manchild to look after when you should be having all the fun in the world, now that the children are grown and its 'your time'?

MistressMounthaven · 07/08/2020 07:28

Can you see it as also having advantages for him - I'm sure there is a right one for him out there, someone who appreciates his gaming addiction, laziness, grubby house - you are depriving him of that person OP Grin

TheClitterati · 07/08/2020 07:29

Start worrying about upsetting yourself OP. If you don't prioritise your life who will? The man child won't & you know that.

monkeyonthetable · 07/08/2020 07:30

But you are upsetting yourself OP, by staying. Honour your own feelings equally with other people's.

Bluesheep8 · 07/08/2020 07:35

Include HIM in the decluttering op. You said this was supposed to be happening 3 years ago and didn't. He's 50 odd and is downstairs gaming whilst YOU put wheels in motion to live together?
I'm sure you've got a bin bag big enough for him and his games console.....

Azerothi · 07/08/2020 07:36

Please don't buy a house with, move in with, or expect anything from this boyfriend. It very much sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you or move in with you at all. You sound lovely and very self-aware, make that self-awareness work for you.

ThickFast · 07/08/2020 07:36

He’s just not that interested. And sounds like a slob if you need to clean for him. Is that what you want forever? Cleaning up someone else’s crap?

TW2013 · 07/08/2020 07:40

I dread ending it though - not because I'm worried about being single (I love my own company, have plenty of family, friends and hobbies)

So why do you want to move in with him? What sort of commitment do you want from a man? If babies and security to raise them are not relevant to you and if you have your own place why not just wind it back to having your own house and finances and then just enjoying each other's company. I imagine lots of relationships would be better if they had separate homes and were just dating.

Eddielzzard · 07/08/2020 07:48

He is stringing you along. You're cleaning his house for him? STOP and walk out the door. It's that easy. It really is. You say you can't bear to upset people, but he's doing that to you right now. When are you going to put yourself first? In another 50 years?

fwwaftp · 07/08/2020 07:53

Good grief - I thought this was a simple AIBU about tidying up for an estate agent and it turned into something else:
This was meant to happen 3 years ago but didn't. He was going to propose last winter, but didn't. He doesn't want to sell and get somewhere together does he?

I think he's perfectly happy with the way things are - living in his own place, got a live-in girlfriend, can game to his heart's content, doesn't have to tidy up because that's what girlfriends are for.

He's 50 and he's probably got where he's going in life ifyswim.... (not all 50 year olds are like that before someone jumps on me!). He is probably quite content - this is his life and this is how it is going to continue until he retires, when not a lot will change apart from not having to go to work. In his opinion he has a nice life - he doesn't need to strive for anything. His hobby is gaming so it's not like he's out climbing mountains or something where he's driving himself to achieve particular things before he becomes too old. (Well he might be a mountain climber too but I doubt it....)

He is going nowhere and nor is the relationship. You need to get out now and live your life. Don't worry about upsetting him. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like??

FinallyHere · 07/08/2020 07:55

the reason(s) I've so little self-respect

Sometimes, the way we think about things has a profound impact on our actions, too.

The way you treat yourself can either build or destroy your self respect. You don't need to wait for others to treat you well, it starts with you, yourself. While you continue to accept the crumbs he occasionally throws in your direction, you are not going to feel good about yourself.

What could you do right now to be kind to yourself? Stop being hard on yourself ? Good. Now, what else can you do for yourself? Where can you live?

Go for it. Good luck.

Tappering · 07/08/2020 07:59

Oh come on love, he clearly doesn't give a shit about upsetting you, does he? Why are his feelings more important?

Yes he will be upset. But being perfectly blunt, it's probably because his cushy little number is coming to an end - no more companionship, sex on tap, a willing woman to run around after him whilst he sits on his arse...And all for minimal effort because all he has to do is throw you the occasional and vague promise of a house and/or marriage.

Don't feel sorry for him, feel angry! He's using you and taking advantage of your trust and affection for him. Ditch the lazy git and find someone who is just as invested as you are.

FAQs · 07/08/2020 07:59

Blimey, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to do this, he doesn’t care and the more you do the more he will take, sounds like a parent and child relationship.

endofthelinefinally · 07/08/2020 08:02

Have you got a place of your own OP? I may have missed it, but I can't see f you have mentioned that.
If you have, that is great, just walk away.
If you haven't, make plans to get one.

Nanny0gg · 07/08/2020 08:03

Declutter your life and dump him.

Oldraver · 07/08/2020 08:04

Do you live with him or do ypou have your own place ?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/08/2020 08:06

Undoormat yourself. If he cared one jot about your feelings you wouldn't be typing here!

Standrewsschool · 07/08/2020 08:21

So much wrong.

He was going to propose but didn’t...
He was going to sell But didn’t...
He’s gaming, and you’re cleaning.

Maybe, to give him the benefit of doubt he’s just not bothered how the house looks.

However, I this is the turning point. Don’t buy with him, or else I can foresee another post in a few years time, my dp sits around gaming all the time whilst I clean, cook etc.

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