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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude to be late

71 replies

Cheeeese2020 · 05/08/2020 10:57

Partner is always late for everything - he has a long morning routine that seems immovable, leisurely breakfast, coffee through a press, ages in the toilet, shower and so on. Problem is, he will not get up early enough to fit in this routine and arrive to places on time. Just had a huge row because he said that it's not important and he doesn't care about being late, it only matters if you're catching a flight. He was meant to be taking me to work as my train has been cancelled, and I ended up being fifteen minutes late. He slept in for work recently, and instead of getting ready quickly and leaving, he was nearly an hour late to start his shift because he insisted on the coffee etc. It's not just mornings - we are always late to meet friends. It really frustrates me, I get very stressed by being late, and my job doesn't allow me to just rock up when I feel like it. AIBU?

OP posts:
FrodosRing · 05/08/2020 10:59

YANBU, but you will gets loads of replies from people saying you are and some people are just late.Barring disability etc, it's rude and I'm sure his workplace won't be best impressed.

UncleHerbie · 05/08/2020 11:00

Poor you 💐

Your P is definitely BU. His habitual lateness would grip my shit in the worst way. I can't see a way around it unfortunately

HansBanans · 05/08/2020 11:02

YANBU. Had a colleague who was always late and there was a lot of resentment towards her because she just didn't care.

One case of lateness that really got on my nerves. We got married abroad and had a do when we got back home. The best man and bridesmaid had said they would help us set up table decorations etc. Ended up doing it all ourselves as they were so late - they ended up arriving pretty much at the same time as all of the guests!

Doyoumind · 05/08/2020 11:03

My ex was like this. He enjoyed my discomfort in being late but he is an abusive idiot. He won't change so you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 05/08/2020 11:04

Wow, the world really revolves around him, doesn't it! He's let you know exactly where you stand with him by making you late for work, potentially getting you a warning.

I hope you're working on ways to not commit to him any further? Such selfish behavior does not make for a good marriage.

mbosnz · 05/08/2020 11:05

That is completely inexcusable - being needlessly late for work, and even worse, making you late for your work! How arrogant. Who the hell does he think he is?!

whenwillthemadnessend · 05/08/2020 11:07

If he wants a leisurely morning he needs to get up earlier

MolyHolyGuacamole · 05/08/2020 11:08

Some people's time is just more important to them than anyone else's. I hate it, it's very self-absorbed. My father is like this, he's a GP and has his own private practice and has never managed to open on time Angry

Frlrlrubert · 05/08/2020 11:12

I couldn't live with that. It sounds daft but it would be a dealbreaker for me.

DHs family are all terrible timekeepers (thankfully not DH), we do that thing where you tell them an earlier time for dinner/meet-ups. We've missed table bookings/rushed meals because of their inability to account for travel times. The ones who work outside home are regularly late for work. I have no idea how they don't get fired! I love them and just try not to plan anything they need to be on time for, but that wouldn't work with a partner.

If someone made me late for work through sheer lack of being arsed I would be pretty pissed off. The resentment over their constant selfishness would ruin the relationship for me.

FrustratinglyFrustrated · 05/08/2020 11:17

I have a friend who is constantly late, for everything (apart from work) We don't go out together as much now, but she regularly come round my house (Pre lock down before any one says anything) and she is always late, And not just by a few minutes, It can be up to 2 hours. It infuriates me, its like my time isn't important. When we arrange to meet up, I just say an hour earlier, she should be about on time then.

purplecorkheart · 05/08/2020 11:17

Sorry I could not be with someone like that. Constant lateness is a deal breaker for me.

I worked with someone who was constantly late. I despised her in the end.

Brefugee · 05/08/2020 11:18

We had to fire someone at my old place who always arrived 30 minutes late - always tried leaving on time though which was a contributing factor to them being fired.

Before it got that far i was supposed to be their mentor and coach them into being on time (they were late for meetings etc too) so i tried to break down their morning routine. And it was like OPs DH - there was a fixed routine that was completely inflexible. When I suggested getting up 30 minutes early i was greeted with "but that would be 6:30am!" At the time i used to get up at 5 to make my train to be sure to be at work on time, with a buffer for late trains so i wasn't impressed.

One thing it did, though, was that the company all adopted my policy of closing the meeting room door when the meeting started and nobody was allowed in after that. It had 2 effects. Pointless meetings were identified and eliminated. Useful meetings were started on time with everyone who needed to be there. One of my proudest moments Grin

alfagirl73 · 05/08/2020 11:33

I can't stand people being late all the time. Everyone occasionally finds themselves in an unavoidable situation (accident, trains cancelled etc) but that should be the exception - not the norm.

People who are constantly late simply have no respect for other people's time and it sends a clear message that they do not consider the person, the meeting, lunch, dinner, job, whatever it is, to be important enough to be on time for. It is rude and disrespectful.

What makes me more angry is the bullshit excuses they always come out with for being late... it's insulting that they actually think people fall for it.

SRS29 · 05/08/2020 11:36

I HAVE to be early or on time...to me it is just respectful my DH on the other hand is less keen...I constantly have to urge him on, say we're leaving 10 mins earlier than we need to etc. (will get in the shower at 10.00 when mass starts at 10.15!!) - it is tiring but your other halfs arrogance with it OP would be worrying for me.

Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 11:38

When he says he doesn't care about being late, does he care about losing his job? Because that is what will happen if he isn't prepared to make the effort to get there on time.

timesareachanging · 05/08/2020 11:39

Habitual lateness shows that someone values their time more they value yours. It’s selfishness of the highest order.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 05/08/2020 11:40

I'm usually relatively laidback about lateness in other people (I dont really get the point scoring about whose time is more important it's a bit childish really , people often have stuff going on). But I will say I'm laidback where someone is struggling with their organisation ,or they are overwhelmed in life. So basically where they really try to be on time but are crap at it. Some people just are. Dp mum is the nicest person and intensely considerate and tries desperately hard to be on time but really struggles with it so no harm no foul

Your dp though that's just arrogant. Noone needs to have coffee press when they are running late. It may not be ideal but I prioritise my morning routine where I can as a bug self care thing but if I have Overslept it's up and out the door and run your backside off. It's the difference between not giving a shit and just finding that bit hard. DP mum tries so hard and is massively apologetic, will absolutely sacrifice her own comfort to try to get somewhere on time (and invariably fail) so I have no issue with her. Your DP would be swiftly told to get lost.

EatDessertFirst · 05/08/2020 11:40

YANBU. Its my biggest pet hate. People who are consistently late just don't give a shit. They think their time is more important than others who are left waiting on their pleasure. Disability excluded obviously.

You'll get the usual raft of posters going:

  1. "I'm always late, its part of who I am. Ain't I crazy? Its a running joke in my circle" etc. (No, you are just rude).

  2. "I find I try to fit too much in!" (err, get up earlier, leave earlier, set alarms, make a list).

  3. "People don't have to wait for me y'know. I'm just that important that they hang around."

  4. "I've got CHILDREN donchaknow!" (me too, two under two at one point and I was still never late).

Its strange because the same individuals always seem to catch flights etc. They do it to friends/family because they don't get called out on it.

badacorn · 05/08/2020 11:40

Yanbu. If he wants to do this then he should only do it when it affects him.

Chloemol · 05/08/2020 11:44

I would just leave him to it, if he gets fired then he gets fired and has to find another job, and I wouldn’t be subsidising him until he does

I would be taking the car myself id he was supposed to be giving you a lift and he can come and collect it.

I would be leaving on time and he can make his own way there

Get rid of the coffee press

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2020 11:45

Yanbu

Lateness is really inconsiderate. Was he late for dates before you met? It's just rude. There's no excuse for not leaving on time

Oncemorewithfeelin · 05/08/2020 11:51

I don’t understand how using a coffee press adds so much more time on.
I must be using mine wrong

MilkshakeandFries · 05/08/2020 11:57

YANBU I find it rude.

Ex-DP was like this. We were late to all baby scans which resulted in me going in alone as he didn't leave enough time to find parking so had to drop me off outside.

Was late for family weddings as would get up late then decide he would need a haircut before hand rather than the day before like most people would.

Totally self absorbed, lazy and of the belief that his time was more important than others, and that they would always wait for him.

CheerUpCreepyKeen · 05/08/2020 11:57

If you love him in all other ways and want to stay with him, you need to set up as many systems as possible so that his lateness doesn't affect you. This might involve getting another car so that you can leave on time (without him) and being ok with going on your own to things his lateness might make him miss. I'd also not make lifestyle decisions - such as size of mortgage - that depend on a joint income, as he may well get fired regularly if he's habitually late.

Without these measures, the stress and resentment his lateness generates will corrode your respect and love for him.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/08/2020 12:01

I hate lateness and wouldn't cope with living with someone who was like this.

If you can stop relying on him then maybe it will bother you less, but it would drive me mad.

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