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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude to be late

71 replies

Cheeeese2020 · 05/08/2020 10:57

Partner is always late for everything - he has a long morning routine that seems immovable, leisurely breakfast, coffee through a press, ages in the toilet, shower and so on. Problem is, he will not get up early enough to fit in this routine and arrive to places on time. Just had a huge row because he said that it's not important and he doesn't care about being late, it only matters if you're catching a flight. He was meant to be taking me to work as my train has been cancelled, and I ended up being fifteen minutes late. He slept in for work recently, and instead of getting ready quickly and leaving, he was nearly an hour late to start his shift because he insisted on the coffee etc. It's not just mornings - we are always late to meet friends. It really frustrates me, I get very stressed by being late, and my job doesn't allow me to just rock up when I feel like it. AIBU?

OP posts:
81Byerley · 05/08/2020 12:07

I spent 22 years with a man who was always late . It drove me MAD!

TimelyManor · 05/08/2020 12:12

My ex was the same, same morning routine as yours OP. Turns out he was a narcissist whose time was SO much more important than anyone else's, even if he was only having a shit Hmm

jaydereilly · 05/08/2020 12:17

Can't stand lateness; really is no excuse for it!

giantangryrooster · 05/08/2020 12:21

Agree with CheerUpCreepyKeen my dh was an inconsiderate faffer, got better over the years.

If this is your only problem with him, you need to work around it. And I know this sounds mean, but make him suffer for his lateness, it's the only way to learn.

If your dh cba to get in the car on time, drive off yourself. Leave him to deal with it. This goes for all situations.

Always, always tell a different time than what is needed. If you need to leave by 8 say 7.30 or 7 and act as if it is so. Leave when ready.

It's a lot of childish playing around, but if he is worth it...

Must say I had help, both dh and his siblings are like this, all their spouses and friends have worked around them like this and mocked them relentlessly. Apart from one, they have gotten so much better.

But it's a drag so he better be worth it.

BlueJava · 05/08/2020 12:23

YANBU in expecting him to be on time - especially for things like work and dropping you at work. However, knowing what he's like why rely on him? My DP is often late, it can be really frustrating to wait for him so I have stopped expecting him to be on time. I had to go the station just before lockdown and my car was in the garage for some work, I just got an uber rather rely on him and making myself late because clearly the train won't wait and then it's horrible to have to run just to try and get the train.

Leaannb · 05/08/2020 12:29

I don't deal with lateness. If you are on time then you are late. If you are there 5 minutes early then you are on time. Thankfully my partner is the same way. We do have several family members who believe their time is more valuable than anyone else's. For holiday dinners and birthdays etc....if they don't show up on time we start without them and we finish up on time. My MIL is famous for this crap. She has missed 2 of her grandchildren's weddings because of her behavior and then had the nerve to play the victim when she missed it. She has showed up to holiday dinners 3 hours late and then played the victim because everyone else had left and there was nothing for her to eat. Finally, people.started not inviting her and she is yet again the victim. Who cares

AuntyPasta · 05/08/2020 12:31

How does he hold down a job?

AlwaysCheddar · 05/08/2020 12:34

He’s a selfish prick.

Original poster
Cheeeese2020 · 05/08/2020 12:53

Thanks everyone, didn't expect such strong YANBU responses tbh! I find it absolutely infuriating that he doesn't care and won't go any faster or eliminate any of the routine, but it's not LTB territory I don't think. Just wish he would make an effort rather than accepting he is going to be late!

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 05/08/2020 13:06

@timesareachanging

Habitual lateness shows that someone values their time more they value yours. It’s selfishness of the highest order.
this it's the height of rudeness to make people wait for you I'm surprised it hasn't caused him problems at work OP you will just have to be completely independent of him Having said all that, it is a cultural thing I know and in other places this wouldn't be a problem but if you are in the UK this behaviour is massively rude and/or unprofessional
Thunderbolted · 05/08/2020 13:16

My DH is like that. He can't skip part of his routine in order to be on time. If we wake/are running late I'll do what I can in the time left but that might mean skipping breakfast or a shower. He seems unable to do this. Some of our biggest arguments have been about lateness. The situation is now marginally better as I've stopped caring about being on time as much and he's a bit better at getting ready on time (albeit this is often because I lie to him about the necessary departure time).

Original poster
Cheeeese2020 · 05/08/2020 13:20

@Thunderbolted I usually say we have to be somewhere half an hour before we do, but he's got wise to that now!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 05/08/2020 13:21

Hate timewasters. My friend always late. Think she used to people run after her. Our office strict he would pull you up on it! Its the wait around for her..

Malaya · 05/08/2020 13:24

My dad does this. He does wake up very early but he has an intense morning routine which he sticks to, without fail. On the odd occasion he’s woken up later, he won’t rush is along. He’ll stick to his routine and make everyone else late. It used to annoy us as kids and still annoys dm now! He’s just set in his ways and doesn’t compromise.

FinallyHere · 05/08/2020 13:25

When did you first spot this?

DH is a bit prone towards lateness, in his own words he 'hates hanging around' so tries to be the last to arrive anywhere.

Our compromise is that I get to decide the timetable, when we leave, how long we allow etc. for things that I organise and I fit in with his timetable for his things.

Fortunately, I organise loads more things than he does and I care much less about being late for 'his' events. That funeral of his colleague where we missed the actual service and just had to mingle afterwards was a low point, of course, but really no skin off my nose. He also knows that I will just go without him for any of my things.

Malaya · 05/08/2020 13:28

[quote Cheeeese2020]@Thunderbolted I usually say we have to be somewhere half an hour before we do, but he's got wise to that now![/quote]
I have a friend who we do this to. Whenever we make arrangements, she always gets told a time an hour earlier to everyone else. She’s still always late!

DarkHelmet · 05/08/2020 13:32

Exh to a T and he was (and still is) and abusive dick. He knew being late pissed people off and he loved it. Even now when he finally decides to visit our DD he is ALWAYS late. Like every single time, leaving us sat around like idiots unable to make plans because his majesty will be arriving when he feels like it and not at the time arranged.

So in short, YANBU at all and he's one of these who thinks the world revolves around his time schedule.

GlassMarble · 05/08/2020 13:40

Can’t stand lateness. It’s rude and disrespects the time of those waiting for you.

He’s basically saying that his time is more important than everyone else’s.

Genuine mishaps happen that make us late sometimes which is understandable, but chronic lateness because he thinks his routine and time is more important than others is pig ignorant.

ElsieMc · 05/08/2020 13:43

It gave me the rage reading this, the leisurely breakfasts, coffee etc as though he is the only person in the world who counts. So inconsiderate and rude. I really do not know how you stand it.

My eldest dd is like this. Two of her children live with me and I see the impact on them due to her lack of punctuality. They will be excited she is taking them out and then when she is due to arrive will ring and tell me she is going shopping so will be another 1-1.5 hrs late. Children cannot cope with this and I have watched their disappointed faces because they are excited now not in a couple of hours. To cope, sometimes the youngest went to bed.

I have been asked to pick her up while she decides where she wants to go for the day and takes so long to get ready that it is nearly lunchtime and I have to be back for the school run at 3.15. She then sulks when I tell her that where she wants to go is a 1.5 hour round trip so not worth going. Cue sulking.

I have long ago had enough as has her sister. It is a huge sense of entitlement and a view that their needs are more important than everyone elses. Touched a nerve their op. You deserve better than a selfish, rude, entitled man child like this.

SnuggyBuggy · 05/08/2020 13:51

I wouldn't feel able to rely on him, make plans with him or go out with him to be honest which is a bit crap when it's your life partner. Obviously if you're happy to not do these things and go out without him then maybe it can work.

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/08/2020 14:34

Not sure how you can be with someone so selfish and inconsiderate.
I ended a long standing friendship with someone who was always late , never apologised and got stroppy if someone said something to her .
I arranged to collect her one morning to go somewhere , arrived and she had overslept but flatly refused to do anything about getting ready until she had had coffee and 2 cigarettes !
Final straw was when we missed a train to go and see a show , totally her fault .
Other friends say she is even worse these days and actually missed a flight a few months ago .

CherryBlossomPink · 05/08/2020 14:44

My ex was always running late and it used to drive me mad until I realised I was the only one getting worked up about it. If we had plans to meet up with people I used to tell him what time I wanted to leave to be on time and warned him if he wasn’t ready I would leave without him. I only ever needed to do it twice (first time he was so shocked but thought I’d done it as a joke) - once he realised it inconvenienced him (he had to make his own way there as I took the car) he never did it again.

chellochello · 05/08/2020 14:54

A close friend of mine actually ended her marriage over her now EXH's habitual lateness - he lost jobs, took the kids to school late and missed important meetings until she couldn't take it anymore

When we had plans with them as a family we'd always joke saying we're meeting the jones's at 1 so we'll expect them by 3 - now she's single my friend is always early!

ravenmum · 05/08/2020 15:10

My exh basically lost me a job as he was supposed to be coming home at 6.30, for me to leave at 7 - but he didn't, and I had to take the children to work with me. I only found out he'd be late when I phoned to see what was going on - he didn't even ring to warn me. The same thing then happened again a few weeks later. My first attempt to go back to work after kids.

As the kids grew up, they knew that if he said 3pm, he would be there at 4pm. They still just add an hour to avoid disappointment.

Current bf is where he says he's going to be, when he says he's going to be. If something happens he phones straight away. It is just so simple. We plan to meet up, I get there, see him, we go and do whatever it is. No waiting for hours, no trying to phone without an answer, no unlikely excuses, no getting rained on or cold, no having to cancel things or repress disappointment. Just no hassle. If I comment on him being reliable, he shrugs and say "What else would I do?"

Jaxhog · 05/08/2020 15:14

Being late habitually is rude, arrogant, and disrespectful.

If he doesn't see this or doesn't care, then don't stay with him. It will eventually grind you down.