To complain about server (allergies)?

[MyMagicStars]

DD4 has 9 food allergies, but usually manages to eat out as long as she’s careful. Today, after finally choosing a dish at a chain restaurant when our with her boyfriend, the waiter came. Her boyfriend took a sip of water and coughed, handover mouth.
Waiter: are you allergic to the water now as well? Is the PH balance wrong?

DD4 related this to me as part and parcel of the eating with allergies narrative, but I’m quite upset- she can’t help having allergies, wasn’t the one coughing, and it was a pretty unpleasant comment. Would you speak to the restaurant?

I have a severe nut allergy and would have been pretty annoyed with this as well, like I'm very sorry my desire to live is inconvenient to you 🙄
I'd have said something at the time but not everybody would feel comfortable in doing so

People can't make a joke now then?

@nettytree DD4 has allergies that can kill her, and additionally, has ADHD and anxiety which make speaking and asking for the allergen info difficult. There was no need to belittle her.

Yes I would speak to the restaurant, that was unnecessary.

Nettytree - it's not funny and allergies are not a joke.

I’d say it was intended as a joke

I think if she wants to lodge a complaint to the restaurant then she should, it doesn't sound like it was said as a joke (but she'll know the context better than we will). I wouldn't be overly offended if I was her, but it was unprofessional.

I don't think you should complain to the restaurant though if that's what you meant? You weren't there, and if this is a recurring theme then she will have to figure out the best way to deal with it herself.

My son has a food allergy. I'd be having words with the waiter/ress about that comment. It's rude and uncalled for.

That's not a joke. That's a nasty dig at a paying customer who the waiter considers to be just fussy. I'd be sending an email in to let the manager know.

I've been a waitress and yes there are a lot of eejits who claim allergies to have a dish changed but will order other things that have the allergen in (ie they're allergic to tomatoes for a starter that comes with a salsa but will order a nice tomatoey lasagne for main) but you treat them all the same. You do not get snarky with anyone. If a customer is truly horrible you can ask them to leave. You do NOT get snotty with them.

It might be a reaction to the way in which she ordered. I have found that's it's often easier to ring ahead, and then I know there's something I can eat. Sometimes it's off-menu.

The serving staff on minimum wage are not allergy specialists, and some people make a lot of fuss while not having a medical need to avoid certain foods.

To be honest it’s probably a reasonable reaction to think when someone says they are allergic to 9 things. It’s probably not the best thing for a waiter to actually say out loud to a customer though. Eating out must be stressful for your daughter, and you for the associated worry. I’m not sure I’d actually complain. It sounds like a flippant joke but if it’s really upset your daughter she could always send an email. If she’s an adult, I wouldn’t complain on her behalf.

I also have food allergies, so I'm not belittling them. I spent a week in hospital with one of them. But people are allowed to joke about things.

Waiter was a dick, or at best a dick trying to be funny. Either way, it's far too late to say anything now. If she's old enough to eat out, she's old enough to stand up for herself - focus on supporting her to have enough confidence to politely complain.

Some people are not good at knowing their audience. Others aren't good at sensing a tone. It could have been said with jest, or said with malice. Without being there, it's impossible to say.

Some servers use humour to connect with their customers and some are just rude arseholes. I don't know which this guy is and for that reason i'd be reluctant to put in a complaint as such.

To someone else, this would have been quite funny. It all depends how it's been taken.

If you feel necessary maybe a polite email or phone call to let the establishment know that you appreciate it may have been said in jest but that it could have been/was taken differently and caused upset.

Ye because it's really funny to make comments at others expense or to make comments specifically designed to humiliate.

It sounds like just a poorly timed joke tbh

Actually I don't agree that people in general are allowed to make jokes about things. It depends on the context. When I go out for a meal I expect good service, not a commentary. I don't pay to have a commentary on my food choices.

If you're a waiter, you're paid to get the food with a smile. That's it. If you were a comedian you'd be paid to make jokes. But you're not, you're a waiter so get the food and leave the comments out.

All the waiter was, was sarcastic. That's not funny, it's rude.

I had (slightly off tangent) a waitress comment on DS having tomato ketchup once 'would you like some more food with that ketchup dear'. To which she got the reply 'excuse me 'dear'?' and a look that would freeze the Sahara. She got on with what she's paid for after that...if you're a server, serve. That's all you've got to do.

I think DD is more upset than she seems, she’s got ADHD and isn’t always great at communicating. She found eating out stressful but we’re building back up to try and calm her anxieties. I mentioned speaking to the restaurant and she seems keen. I might email in the morning. It’s not an easy thing to deal with, and after seeing her in RESUS, don’t find allergies remotely funny.

If she’s old enough to eat out with her boyfriend she’s old enough to complain herself.
I realise she has SN but I still don’t think her mum should ring up the restaurant for her

It's for your DD to deal with, not you. If she does have so many allergies, unless she's going to take you out with her everywhere, she has to deal wi it.
The server was having a joke! But yes, go ahead and complain. If you're lucky they may get sacked 😫

Ugh horrible. I would complain on her behalf.

@houchinBawbags DP is severely allergic (anaphylaxis carries epipens) to uncooked tomatoes there is an enzyme in them which is removed or broken down through cooking, so is exactly as you described and certainly isn't doing it to be fussy!!

i was puzzled why your 4 year old had a boyfriend...

Support her in handling these types of situations, you aren't always going to be their to be her voice. Yes it is hard with ADHD and anxiety, but it's not impossible.

Although she is now older, could you look into somehow adapting the social stuff into something more age appropriate for her? Or even try and do something with the now next system.

All the strategies used in schools can be used beyond. There might even be some of this stuff aimed more at a mature audience. Of course cost can be an issue and these things can easily be adapted at little cost.

Were you there OP or is this story second hand?

And when eating out, especially with allergies to things like tomatoes, it's advisable to contact the place before hand and talk to the head chef.
Most of the dishes have been made before you walk in.

With notice errors are less likely to happen, decent chefs will accommodate off menu meals, which leaving it till arrival might not be an option depending on what they have in stock and ready to go within a short amount of time.