To complain about server (allergies)?

[MyMagicStars]

DD4 has 9 food allergies, but usually manages to eat out as long as she’s careful. Today, after finally choosing a dish at a chain restaurant when our with her boyfriend, the waiter came. Her boyfriend took a sip of water and coughed, handover mouth.
Waiter: are you allergic to the water now as well? Is the PH balance wrong?

DD4 related this to me as part and parcel of the eating with allergies narrative, but I’m quite upset- she can’t help having allergies, wasn’t the one coughing, and it was a pretty unpleasant comment. Would you speak to the restaurant?

You wouldn’t BU to complain but only if it’s what she really wants.

This is a bit tricky OP, particularly as you weren’t there.
It may well be that, as your daughter has ADHD and anxiety, coupled with her list of allergies , that she may have come across as, and I apologise for this, being a very needy customer.
I’m in no way condoning the server but maybe the waiter felt a bit exasperated. Waiters don’t usually say such things as they’d be sacked. Restaurants don’t routinely offer training in SEN, particularly as often, waiting staff are casual, students etc...
This is not an excuse but I’m trying to play devil’s advocate.
It might be that your daughter might need a little guidance on how to talk to restaurant staff when dealing with her allergies.

As she was with her boyfriend, it’s their complaint to make, not your’s.

I'd make a complaint. Allergies are not a joking matter at all. People should not be belittled due to life-threatening conditions and the waiter should know better and he professional

It was said to her boyfriend, was he offended? If he was he should complain. If she was offended, she should complain. You can be upset, but I don't think it's your battle to fight on her behalf.

Its hard to know what the tone was if you weren't there yourself. It may have been jokey, albeit in poor taste. I would have probably given the server a hard stare in those circumstances. If it was clearly said in a rude way I would have said something at the time, but don't think I would be bothered enough to complain after the event.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

Waiter was a dick, or at best a dick trying to be funny. Either way, it's far too late to say anything now. If she's old enough to eat out, she's old enough to stand up for herself - focus on supporting her to have enough confidence to politely complain.

If she's old enough to eat out (without you)...

Not everything is going to always available to everyone, all the time, with SN, allergies, etc.

I think the complaint would be best coming from the bf as it was him the comment was made to.

claim allergies to have a dish changed but will order other things that have the allergen in (ie they're allergic to tomatoes for a starter that comes with a salsa but will order a nice tomatoey lasagne for main)

This is why it’s such a pain eating out with allergies - because staff presume you’re an idiot / liar, just because they don’t know enough about allergies.

What you’ve described there could be Oral Allergy Syndrome

My son is severely allergic to egg when lightly cooked but can tolerate it in cakes and his allergy nurse recommends he has baked egg in this way regularly

You can be allergic to nuts but refined nut oils are unlikely to cause a reaction because the protein that causes the reaction is removed

It’s really not as simple as many think

It was a joke.. just get over it.

I actually think it's quite funny

I'm embarrassed by my allergies, I hate having to clarify if certain things are out in salads. I'm fine with any of my allergens if they're cooked, but not uf they're raw.

I think if I had been there, I'd had have said something pithy there and then, but appreciate that your daughter didn't feel able to.

I worked in multiple bars and restaurants through Uni and found many people claiming allergies, but weird ones, like they can't possibly have tomatoes anywhere near their starter but their main was lasagne. Seriously?

It might well be that the server had been challenged by people all day asking for changes on food and was just making a (very bad) joke out of it. Plus you said in your post "finally choosing a dish" - so had he been stood there for a long time while she deliberated?

I am not saying he was right at all, but someone with lots of allergies would surely look ahead to the menu and pick in advance where possible. The server is probably on minimum wage, having just been recalled from 80% furlough wages since March and cant be bothered with fussy people. To be clear I am not saying your daughter is fussy but it might have come across like that if he's had 20 people today ordering specifically to avoid certain ingredients.

Its for her or her partner to approach the restaurant, but maybe they need to do it not from a complaint perspective but from one which is trying more to point out that having food allergies is really hard, they'd like to return and it would be really good if the restaurant could make sure that the servers understand allergy issues, or are at least respectful of people who say they have them.

Fgs, sounds like a joke. I work in a chain restaurant myself and we have to ask about allergies. In my experience, people who have allergies themselves are able to joke about it! Cut the server some slack, he/she has just been out of work for months and probably forgotten how to 'banter.'

@Serendipity79

I worked in multiple bars and restaurants through Uni and found many people claiming allergies, but weird ones, like they can't possibly have tomatoes anywhere near their starter but their main was lasagne. Seriously?

It might well be that the server had been challenged by people all day asking for changes on food and was just making a (very bad) joke out of it. Plus you said in your post "finally choosing a dish" - so had he been stood there for a long time while she deliberated?

I am not saying he was right at all, but someone with lots of allergies would surely look ahead to the menu and pick in advance where possible. The server is probably on minimum wage, having just been recalled from 80% furlough wages since March and cant be bothered with fussy people. To be clear I am not saying your daughter is fussy but it might have come across like that if he's had 20 people today ordering specifically to avoid certain ingredients.

Its for her or her partner to approach the restaurant, but maybe they need to do it not from a complaint perspective but from one which is trying more to point out that having food allergies is really hard, they'd like to return and it would be really good if the restaurant could make sure that the servers understand allergy issues, or are at least respectful of people who say they have them.

People can be allergic to raw tomatoes, such as in a salad which is likely to be a starter, but are OK with cooked tomatoes in a lasagne.

I'm allergic to raw onions, but fine with cooked ones.

I worked in multiple bars and restaurants through Uni and found many people claiming allergies, but weird ones, like they can't possibly have tomatoes anywhere near their starter but their main was lasagne. Seriously?

I mean, several people have already explained on this thread why this is a thing, but obviously you know better.

@nettytree Said by a mate it could be banter. Said by a waiter it's incredibly unprofessional.

Yes speak to them. Should she just die to not be an inconvenience. Such a rude server.

@Deathgrip I am allergic to tomatoes which is why I thought it was a safe example to use. I didn't actually realise people could be allergic to raw but not cooked as I'm just allergic full stop but clearly people on this thread have said that's possible. Didn't mean to cause offence.

Wasn't a very good then for a waiter to say, I agree there.
I don't think you should complain though, this could be a good opportunity to help her to complain. Help her compose an email to the manager/head office explaining what happened. I don't think what he said was right.
As an aside reading the rest of the thread -
Allergies are important, and most places these days take them seriously, though it can be incredibly frustrating to be told that someone is allergic to something, then have them order something that contains it and point that out as you are expected to and be spoken to in a condescending shitty manner for pointing it out.
You tell me you're allergic to tomatoes and then order a lasagne, am I supposed to have such in depth knowledge of your allergies that I know that you can tolerate cooked but not raw? The waiting staff have to tell you, if they didn't and you had a reaction they'd be to blame. I don't care what you eat, but when you tell me you have an allergy you give me a duty of care to ensure you don't get served what you're allergic to, there's no need to get cocky with someone trying to help you. That's where most of my frustration comes from with customers who have allergies to be honest, not the fact they have them or ask me questions/ask for things slightly off menu. But it's just the way hospitality staff are treated these days.
And quite why people expect waiting staff to be professional when they are neither paid nor respected as such is a different thread I guess 🤷

@nettytree

People can't make a joke now then?

Not a very funny joke.

How long did it take her to choose her meal?

Many restaurants are running tight at the moment - booking set times, and not being able to get the number of covers through.

Could it be that she had taken a long time to choose and he was seeing a clock ticking?

Not to excuse it, but maybe he’s struggling.

Also if you weren’t there, you’ll look like a tit if you complain for her - because you just don’t know who said what when.

I think I love your waiter :D

If anyone is going to complain then it needs to be your DD, any adult getting their parents to fight their battles is going to be taken less seriously than someone making their own complaint about the treatment they received.

Also, you dont say anything about the previous context, most servers won't just make that comment out of nowhere, so clearly there had been an extended exchange re: DDs allergies and the server may have just reached the end of their patience. When you're juggling multiple tables and one person has restrictions that they clearly havent checked against the readily available menu online and want you to break down every single meal against their restrictive allergy list then it can be hard work and shouldnt be the servers responsibility. If there was absolutely nothing on the menu that your DD could safely eat without modifications (beyond small preference tweaks like "can I have my burger without the gherkins/sauce on the side") then she should have called in advance to discuss options with the restaurant.

Did your DD ask the server multiple questions about all her different allergens? Did she look up the menu beforehand and so had an idea of what was 100% off limits and what might be possible with minimal tweaks/just confirming it was allergen free or was she asking for detailed info on everything because she had no idea what she could safely eat? Are some allergies specific to trace ingredients and so would require her to keep referring back to the kitchens for confirmation from the chef that they were 100% not present? Was it busy and she was monopolising the server's time? Had the server made multiple suggestions and been shot down by yet another allergy every time (EG DD: I'm allergic to olives Server: we can make X and substitute the olives for extra tomatoes DD: I'm allergic to those too Server: okay well how about onions? DD: okay but they have to be cooked because I'm allergic to them if they're raw etcetc). All of those things individually would be annoying but you can brush them off but the more things piled on and the more the minimum wage server is likely to lose patience with the "difficult" customer and a snarky comment is more likely to slip out

Inappropriate and unprofessional comment from the waiter.