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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much is too much to spend in a week ?

63 replies

TequilaSunrise39 · 04/08/2020 15:04

Say if a friend or boyfriend comes to stay with you for a week, do you think it's excessive to go out to eat and drink every day ?
Going on holiday would be different, but say if they just came to stay at your house.

With my boyfriend, we went out for a full day and bought bus tickets (£5 each) then a drink somewhere, then a Costa coffee, then lunch, then a cake etc.
It's nice but I can't afford to do this every day. We ended up going on day trips every day which involved paying for the bus and usually a pint somewhere (him) and a sandwich/cake or something.

I think once/twice a week is fine but it really put me out of pocket, because he came to see me I wanted to pay for most of his stuff which I did, though he paid for some things too.

Checked my bank balance one day and ended up getting a bit worried when I realised i'd spent £60 in one day on random bits, and asked him to compromise by eating/drinking at home some of the days.

Does it sound like i'm BU ? Don't want to seem like a tightwad or boring, but it just really adds up.

OP posts:
Staplemaple · 04/08/2020 15:05

You aren't being unreasonable. Everyone has to live within their means, and to be honest i would much rather just go out now and then rather than everyday and spend money I don't really want to spend.

MaxNormal · 04/08/2020 15:06

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, that's not being tight.
Can you guys do something free like a trip to the beach or a walk in a country park or similar?

Marmite27 · 04/08/2020 15:07

Why are you paying? It should be reciprocal and roughly half each!

hammeringinmyhead · 04/08/2020 15:09

How far away does he live and how often does he visit? If it was say a long distance thing and I had taken a week off work I'd want to make it a little holiday, but there should be compromise.

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 04/08/2020 15:09

He pays for stuff too, but yeah it really seems to add up. We met up one of his mates and they bought a round in, but I don't drink so mine wasn't even £1.
I felt obliged to buy them one too and resented buying pints for some guy i'd literally just met.

We did free stuff, but it always adds up, the transport fees, buying a pint here, a cake there etc. Even though it's nice.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 04/08/2020 15:10

Oh and yeah, don't pay for both of you just because wherever you are is nearer. I don't think you "host" a partner.

katy1213 · 04/08/2020 15:10

It wouldn't kill him to pay for some of this - sounds like he never puts his hand in his pocket. If he's staying at yours, I imagine you've stocked up on food as well?
But absolutely - all those coffees and drinks out add up. Instead of buying food out, could you make a packed lunch?

AteAllTheAfterEights · 04/08/2020 15:11

The answer is more than you can afford or are comfortable with. You shouldn’t be paying for him though, 50:50

katy1213 · 04/08/2020 15:14

And I wouldn't feel obliged to get caught up in rounds of drinks for his mates! If they were half-decent, they wouldn't have accepted your offer.

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 04/08/2020 15:15

He does pay for some stuff too, there isn't really anything local to me so we end up paying transport fares too.
I wondered if i was BU, but I realised we went to a pub of some sort 4 days out of 6, and ate out somewhere every day bar one.

OP posts:
Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 04/08/2020 15:16

Yeah, I really wasn't happy buying pints for essentially a stranger, but they didn't decline either.

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 04/08/2020 15:19

It is expensive when you’re in that sort of relationship stage - of course it’s cheap to stay in but it’s a bit old married couple to sit in every day to save cash! Perhaps be a bit more forceful about it being 50/50 and look for easy ways to save money - eat out when it’s 50% off etc. He might be feeling the pinch too! But I think for a lot of young single men, pints, food and coffees out are very much part of life and what they would spend the majority of their “fun” money on so he might not see anything different to his norm. Don’t feel embarrassed to say “this is more than I’d usually spend, can we eat in tomorrow?”.

HugeAckmansWife · 04/08/2020 15:23

If the weather is decent, buy sandwiches, cakes etc in a supermarket and go sit in a park. A slice of cake in a cafe can be £2-3. You could buy a tray bake of 4 pieces for a quid in a supermarket. I don't think YABU to say you can't keep up this level of spending though

GarlicSoup · 04/08/2020 15:25

@katy1213

And I wouldn't feel obliged to get caught up in rounds of drinks for his mates! If they were half-decent, they wouldn't have accepted your offer.
^ This
Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 04/08/2020 15:25

Yeah I think I just need to be more persistent in doing that. I've tried that but even if we have a picnic outside then it turns into, oh then we can have a pint at X pub after.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 04/08/2020 15:28

But it's ok to say no if he suggests the pub.Flowers

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 04/08/2020 15:44

If you're not drinking, and you're rounding, in my circles, it's fine to round as a couple - the people drinking water/coke don't really get counted in the round.

If it was me, DP and a 3rd, we'd every-other, with us perhaps getting first and last for example.

Shayisgreat · 04/08/2020 15:56

Your bf let you buy a round of drinks for his friends? Did he buy a round as well or was it your responsibility because he traveled to visit you? I never get in rounds when I'm drinking a soft drink and they were arseholes for letting you!

When I first started going out with my now dh, I traveled to visit him nearly every week. We went halves (or close enough) on drinks/food out. We stayed in sometimes as well. He was responsible for buying that stuff when we stayed in his. He told me that he was so relieved when I told him that I couldn't afford to keep going out all the time. Perhaps you need to say to your bf that you can't afford it. If he reacts badly, he's not a good fella.

formerbabe · 04/08/2020 16:01

I don't drink either op...in social situations I usually say at the start, "oh I'm not drinking, so keep me out of the rounds and i'll do my own thing".

notalwaysalondoner · 04/08/2020 16:09

If someone’s staying with you I’d expect to eat in at least half the time. I’m guessing this is a quite new relationship? He probably likes going out as it feels more like a proper “date” but if you become long term partners you can’t go out on dates all day and every meal forever. At some point you need to transition to a more long-term sustainable approach. I’d just raise it with him and say while it’s fun to eat out every meal it’s expensive and not healthy and so can you eat in x times per week; or take a packed lunch if you’re out all day. I’d also stop paying for him just because he’s visiting.

CigarettesAndNoAlcohol · 04/08/2020 16:11

That's a ridiculous level of paying for food and drinks out, and you were funding most of it!

You need to nip that dynamic in the bud now otherwise it's going to be his expectation in the future.

Having said that, there is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to how much.. it's whatever everyone is comfortable with, and whatever you can afford.

That might be beer, cake and food out three times in 1 day for some people.. but personally i stop seeing it as a "treat" then, and i can't afford it anyway.

TBH the biggest problem i'd have in your situation is this as a red flag:

  1. he didn't plan ahead - i mean, what's wrong with taking a couple of pieces of fruit for snacks if you go out? why pay such high prices from shops yet not even take a tiny bit of food out? does he always just forget to plan ahead like that?
  1. his not seeing that it's not ok. why didn't he see that you were spending a lot and say, actually, that's not ok. did he not realise, or did he realise and not care? either is bad.
  1. maybe he's just not wanting to be a party pooper but has the same concerns. that's bad. if he feels like he can't raise it with you.

the solution is TALK to him.

the next time you plan to go out, ask him what he thinks about food out of the house ("do you want to bring drinks forus and i'll put some fruit snacks together?") - his answer will be revealing.

2bazookas · 04/08/2020 16:25

He took you for a ride didn't he?

Txt him, "last week I spent lots more than my weekly budget and it's left me out of pocket. We should have gone 50/50. ".

See how he responds.
SunshineCake · 04/08/2020 16:30

I think that text is awful.

Maybe say next time he comes over and he suggests a day out to the cafe and a pub lunch you say what you are really feeling.

LagunaBubbles · 04/08/2020 16:32

Why do you feel you have to pay more because he's came to see you?

FizzyPink · 04/08/2020 16:40

To be honest if it’s a long distance thing and you’ve both taken time off work then I would treat it as a mini holiday and expect to be out and about all day.

Next week we’re going away for the week, just to a seaside town and I’ve saved £450 to cover everything for me while we’re there which will likely be eating out twice a day and any activities we decide to do. However I also wouldn’t be buying all these cakes and snacks which add up very quickly! I’d much rather a very nice dinner and a couple of nice cocktails than random bits here and there.

I do think it’s odd he let you pay for so much though. As he was the one staying with you I’d expect him to have treated you to a couple of nice meals out etc