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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much is too much to spend in a week ?

63 replies

TequilaSunrise39 · 04/08/2020 15:04

Say if a friend or boyfriend comes to stay with you for a week, do you think it's excessive to go out to eat and drink every day ?
Going on holiday would be different, but say if they just came to stay at your house.

With my boyfriend, we went out for a full day and bought bus tickets (£5 each) then a drink somewhere, then a Costa coffee, then lunch, then a cake etc.
It's nice but I can't afford to do this every day. We ended up going on day trips every day which involved paying for the bus and usually a pint somewhere (him) and a sandwich/cake or something.

I think once/twice a week is fine but it really put me out of pocket, because he came to see me I wanted to pay for most of his stuff which I did, though he paid for some things too.

Checked my bank balance one day and ended up getting a bit worried when I realised i'd spent £60 in one day on random bits, and asked him to compromise by eating/drinking at home some of the days.

Does it sound like i'm BU ? Don't want to seem like a tightwad or boring, but it just really adds up.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 04/08/2020 18:09

Omg I've had boyfriends like this. You afford what they want when they want it. They can't afford what you want when you want it. So stressful. And thoughtless. I had a friend whose boyfriend was excellent at this. Used her expensive toiletries took his turn to treat in shitie cafes when it was her turn it was a restaurant.

Kaiserin · 04/08/2020 18:10

YANBU for caring about this (in hindsight)
YABU for not budgeting in advance, and spending beyond your means.

dayslikethese1 · 04/08/2020 18:17

Does he pay when you go and visit him?

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 04/08/2020 18:22

It's not a treat out if it is more often than once a week. I wouldn't buy that much food out most weeks. Different if you are on holiday.

Don't spend what you can't afford /don't want to.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/08/2020 18:45

Does he reciprocate when you visit him (within his own means)? Because if not you should be questioning why you feel the need to do this. It's a fine way of balancing things if there is give and take (each person treating the other within their own budget rather than going halves all the time and having to stick to the lower budget or one person going way over budget and being resentful) but there has to be that give and take and it needs to feel fair to both parties. If one person requires more from the other than they can happily afford they aren't the right partner.

Unless you're loaded, I agree with others that it was really off for your boyfriend and his friend to accept a round off you if you dont drink. As a one off it wasn't too bad, but it sounds like your boyfriend is okay with it all the time and that's not a great attitude unless you're really loaded and have told him not to worry about it.

Here's the thing about hosting (as in paying for) other people - you get to decide what you do and you should do so with your budget in mind. So if a day trip with a pub visit and then a cafe visit is too much for you, don't suggest it. Go for a day trip with a picnic. Take a can of something he likes if you want to provide him with alcohol.

If you are out and he suggests the pub or a cafe feel free to go along with that (if it sounds fun to you) but don't feel like you should pay for him, just say something like "that would be nice but you'd have to pay, I haven't budgeted for it."

This will be a change so you should talk to him about it. Tell him you've just realised you've overspent this week and you need to tone things down and then suggest something more affordable and ask him for ideas.

howfarwevecome · 04/08/2020 18:55

He should be buying his own drinks, especially as you don't drink. You shouldn't be buying rounds, especially for his friend, when you're not drinking!

Speak up for yourself.

Tell him you get that he likes to go to pubs, but he's going to have to self-fund his drinks while you have water because you're on a budget.

MintyMabel · 04/08/2020 19:04

More than you can afford, is too much to spend.

grisen · 04/08/2020 20:56

You obviously don’t live in the same town so for me it depends on how much it cost him to get to yours/how often you see each other.

My and my partner were LD for a few years and we’d always make the most of it but sometimes we wouldn’t see each other for a few months. It depends on what you can afford/how often.

For context it used to cost him £70 on the coach to visit so I’d pay the first £70 and then we’d go halves after.

Pittapitta · 04/08/2020 20:59

I probably spend more than £60 on a daily basis but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. Everyone has to do what they can. It’s so reasonable to want to stay and eat in or do free things! The weather is supposed to be great this week so loads of free things can be done. Also why are you paying for things as he’s your guest? Don’t do that anymore.

imissthesouth · 04/08/2020 21:03

If you can't afford it, then cooking a meal at home with a nice bottle of wine is perfectly acceptable. There's no need to spend money on meals out you can't afford. Even if you can. Living frugally keeps you happier :)

Michaelbaubles · 04/08/2020 21:44

By the way, people banging on about how £60 isn’t a lot of money, this makes people for who it is a lot of money feel like complete and utter shit, so don’t do it. How does it even help?

OhTheRoses · 04/08/2020 21:54

More than you can afford or want to spend and you shouldn't feel bad about saying "I can't afford that" If he's worth it he will understand.

FWIW DH and I had a day out on Sunday and took a flask and picnic.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 05/08/2020 10:35

To me living within your means is attractive!

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