To be upset at friend for this

[Frenchpastry]

A very close friend and I have babies the same age (4 months). From before we even got pregnant, I knew I would return to work full time after maternity leave and she would return part time so my DD will go to full time childcare and her DS will maybe go part time if she decides to go back to work at all. The decision for me to go back full time is entirely based around what DH and I can afford. My friend knows that I would prefer to go back part time but it's not what can work for my family for many reasons so this is what we have decided is best for us.

Chatting over text the other evening she slipped into conversation that one of her new friends who is some sort of child development expert has told her that a child who goes to full time childcare before 1 is at higher risk of sexualised behaviour and drug and alcohol problems. I obviously immediately got angry and asked why on Earth she would decide to say that to me and she said because she thought it was just an interesting topic for discussion for us as we discuss everything else to do with the babies. She said she never meant that that would apply to my DD because I've found a childcare setting I'm really pleased with and she said that if she could find a setting more like the one I said I like then maybe she'd feel more comfortable to send DS to one because she's very anxious about leaving him at all when the time comes. I understand that, but she very specifically said this applies to those who go to full time only which will only apply to my DD, not her DS.

I'm really upset that she would say this to me and it be such an obvious judgement at what I have to do for my DD and family. We are very close friends normally and have been for nearly 10 years now and it's been wonderful to share the experience of becoming parents together but I now feel completely differently about her and can't seem to snap out of feeling like this even though she has apologised and tried to assure me that that is not what she meant by that. I just don't understand why she would say that though. I want to forgive her and move past it but I'm struggling. AIBU to be upset here or am I overreacting and need to just get over it?

Crappy thing for her to say. I wonder if she feels 'judged' for not sending her child? There's so much pressure on women and the choices we make, sometimes we feel backed into a corner and needing to defend ourselves, not because of something you've said but because we worry what the 'right' thing to do it

That’s bullshit, millions of kids go into full time child care, eighty percent of women work now. I suspect she is being bitchy and under some pressure because she’s not working full time. She’s justifying her decisions and being a total bitch with it.

I’d not consider her a friend.

I've heard about the aggression thing and risk taking but not sexualised behaviour- ask her where the study is, it might have been misquoted. I think I also read that it was linked to the number of hours/week, I think the threshold was 35, but don't quote me on it.

Ultimately, they're quite small effects- I've read that they're small enough that an individual parent doesn't necessarily need to worry about them- it's one of those things that's only really a concern at population level, for policy makers and such. Some level of aggression can be considered a good thing- they're more confident in going for what they want. And there are some advantages in terms of language development too.

Your friend was a bit thoughtless here, I think, but maybe she underestimates the level of guilt/defensiveness many mothers feel around this issue. FWIW, I've a friend whose son has attended full time nursery since ten months and is now 2.5. He's boisterous, yes, but seems perfectly happy and non-aggressive.

She probably feels you're making a mistake and wants you to go into with your eyes open to all aspects, not just the financial. I'm not sure on the validity of the information she shared with you, but maybe she felt obligated to make sure you were aware of it.

It sounds like she's hit a nerve.

Ultimately it's your family and your decision. I went back from maternity leave early as I was the main bread-winner and wanted to take the financial pressure off my DH. It wasn't what I wanted to do but at the time it made sense.

What a horrible thing to say. She was def being sly. I'd distance myself from her

Yea, really crappy tone deaf thing to say and honestly seems to be a massive generalization that I certainly wouldn't believe.

I can understand that you would be very pissed off to read this in a text from her.

Well done for clearly flagging your annoyance.

If she's a dear friend and is generally supportive, try and move on from it if you wish to continue to be pals.

However, if she continues to spout judgements about your choices then you may just want to cut her loose.

Unfortunately a part of parenting is people like your friend who either get competitive about their children, judgy about their choices and yours or very dull because they never shut up about children in general.
They can become very, very boring people to be around.

I'm sure she didn't mean it to be a dig at you. Sometimes with really good friends it's easy to just monologue about our own problems and try to rationalise our own decisions without thinking about how this will make the other person feel. The guilt of returning to work or not is horrible. I was consumed with it and spent my nights googling the impact childcare would have on my ds. I'm now a sahm and spend my nights googling the impact of not sending ds2 to childcare.

You can always fight fire with fire, quote her studies that show that kids in full time child care hit their developmental milestones quicker etc. There is always a study that shows whatever you wish it to show.

Either way it’s bitchy ass behaviour designed to make her superior and put you down. As said, I’d be out. This is just the start of her competitive parenting.

If she keeps citing such studies, the friendship probably won't be tenable.

But I think it's worth trying move on from this one very tactless mistake of hers. There's a good chance she really wasn't thinking, and it'd be such a shame to lose a good friendship over one incident.

She sounds like a very insensitive person.

Ps the research she is talking about was about children going to very poor quality nurseries a long time ago. I'm not sure these would be able to exist now with ofsted standards.

Don't forget that correlation does not = causation. If what this 'new friend' says is true, what will have been found is the former. There may be other reasons for this which correlate with a child going to childcare FT which have not been properly controlled for or which controlling for cannot eliminate. All 'at higher risk' in this context means is 'we found that, of X people in a sample with drug/alcohol problems in later life, X% reported being in childcare FT from before age 1, which is [probably not much] more than the X% who went PT or not at all' - or something along those lines.

As far as what your friend said goes - welcome to motherhood, I'm afraid. We all feel the societal pressure and judgement to which mothers are subject*, and sometimes, being human, we try and make ourselves feel better about it by comparing ourselves to others. I don't think that absolves your friend entirely, though. There's something deluberate in what she said and how she said it (citing the opinion of a nebulous 'new friend' with alleged expertise in the matter) that was absolutely intended to raise herself and put you down. I think she has some serious making of amends to do.

*which is so ingrained that people can publish (and - more likely to be the source in this case - report) research like this without even noticing what agenda they're serving

OP, if she is a good friend I would try to move past this comment. If you discuss lots of baby related stuff it probably my just came out without thinking. She's apologised. Don't let one tactless comment ruin your good friendship.

She sounds awful, it's not something I would say to someone. The thing is and I mean this in the most kindest gentlest way, this is just the beginning.
Once you have kids there will always be someone else with a kid telling / advising you that you are doing something wrong or your kid isn't up to scratch. It's awful, but you need to develop a "you do you and I will do me" type attitude.
I went back full time and the group of new mum friends I had made were horrified and would make snarky comments.
Sadly there's a competitive streak that develops with some mothers when they have a child and they will judge and not hold back on their opinions and they won't be kind about it either.
You will encounter these characters all through your children's lives. The best thing is to recognise them when they appear and discount their opinions.
We all want to do what is best for our children and families, sadly some people enjoy trying to put you down over your choices. Keep strong.

I work as a senior lead in a small baby room. I’m massively qualified and work for terrible pay.....I assure you we love our jobs and our babies get so much love and attention. They are very often streets ahead developmentally. Read the positives. This lady was tremendously unkind and trying to make you feel shit. Keep your chin up.

The stuff about being 'very anxious about leaving him at all' would also get my back up, tbh. Her and every other PFB parent in the history of the world - yet she says it as if it makes her an extra special quality mother, and as if you weren't anxious.

You sound over sensitive to me.

Was it tactless... yes. However, if she’s a good friend and you discuss these things perhaps she’s just not thought how you’d take it and made a mid-step.

If she’s such a good friend, why jump straight to her having a deliberate dig ?

She's not a 'new friend' Catte, OP says they are very close friends.

@RandomTree

She's not a 'new friend' Catte, OP says they are very close friends.

I mean the new friend who told the close friend about this study (as in the OP).

Wow, that's a really horrible thing to say, as PP have said, I think it's your friend trying to justify not sending their child as there are benefits to being in a childcare situation full time too. Maybe look up some evidence ready to say back if they continue bringing it up.

Oh I see, sorry.

What a silly thing for her to say !
I would advise, get used to it op, I work full time and you get all sorts of passive aggressive comments like this quite regularly.
DS has absolutely thrived on going to nursery as he is a very active child and he loved going to after school club too !
Hes 6 now and no issues .
I love my job so working has been great for both of us.

I'd call her a former friend now. Sounds to me new friend and close friend have been having a smug bitch. Don't let them upset your head - you concentrate on what is best for you and your family.

Once you get back to work you will be too busy for scrutinizing anything. I think to slip it in a text she was being a cow.
I've had nothing but positive experiences from fulltime nursery. I can't see how it's a place that sexualises children - I would have thought that's more likely to happen with daytime tv in the background at home and TikTok on the phone - things that kids aren't exposed to in a professional setting.
In all things mum/parental guilt nursery is one thing we shouldn't feel bad about - but society wants us to feel bad because they don't like Mammas feeling good!
At the least take it with a pinch of salt and laugh it off or break the friendship if you feel there are other points she's tried to pull you down on.

How bloody horrible of her. How about 'people who spout vicious rubbish to undermine their freinds are 95% likely to lose said friend'? As a statistic?

Worth noting that people with healthy self esteem/self worth do not go around sabotaging other people's happiness. Her comments are a reflection of her own issues.