To be upset at friend for this

[Frenchpastry]

A very close friend and I have babies the same age (4 months). From before we even got pregnant, I knew I would return to work full time after maternity leave and she would return part time so my DD will go to full time childcare and her DS will maybe go part time if she decides to go back to work at all. The decision for me to go back full time is entirely based around what DH and I can afford. My friend knows that I would prefer to go back part time but it's not what can work for my family for many reasons so this is what we have decided is best for us.

Chatting over text the other evening she slipped into conversation that one of her new friends who is some sort of child development expert has told her that a child who goes to full time childcare before 1 is at higher risk of sexualised behaviour and drug and alcohol problems. I obviously immediately got angry and asked why on Earth she would decide to say that to me and she said because she thought it was just an interesting topic for discussion for us as we discuss everything else to do with the babies. She said she never meant that that would apply to my DD because I've found a childcare setting I'm really pleased with and she said that if she could find a setting more like the one I said I like then maybe she'd feel more comfortable to send DS to one because she's very anxious about leaving him at all when the time comes. I understand that, but she very specifically said this applies to those who go to full time only which will only apply to my DD, not her DS.

I'm really upset that she would say this to me and it be such an obvious judgement at what I have to do for my DD and family. We are very close friends normally and have been for nearly 10 years now and it's been wonderful to share the experience of becoming parents together but I now feel completely differently about her and can't seem to snap out of feeling like this even though she has apologised and tried to assure me that that is not what she meant by that. I just don't understand why she would say that though. I want to forgive her and move past it but I'm struggling. AIBU to be upset here or am I overreacting and need to just get over it?

It's a bit of an odd topic to have brought up, but if you are going back to work when your maternity leave ends (assuming you've taken the full year), then your child will be 1 already or very close to it, so the research she mentions about under 1s doesn't really apply to you. I think maybe you are being a bit sensitive which I get - especially as you say you'd prefer to not have to go back to work full time..

Is she talking about children who are taken into care? Certainly in care homes, there is a high incidence of early sexualized behaviour, drug and alcohol abuse from a younger age.

Sending your child into a nursery is completely different and will not scar them.

There's nothing worse than a competitive mum friend who point scores like this. Does she do this with other parenting decisions? Next it'll be the pros and cons of baby led weaning, co sleeping, potty training, SAT results...urgh so tedious and unimportant in the grand scale of life.

It's a shame she was so tactless, but I would try not to judge her too harshly; she probably feels shit for having mentioned it. A thoughtless comment, when she’s such a good friend, might be difficult to get past, but I would try. I would also dismiss what she said. Ultimately, your child will be a product of the upbringing you and your DH provide. Choosing a lovely childcare setting that you’re happy with is part of that and is sure to be a positive experience for your DD. I understand that you feel sensitive to such comments and why you would feel upset; it’s such a hard time, going back to work and deciding how best to manage the transition, but I wouldn’t give up on your friendship because she made a thoughtless or ill-judged comment.

It was tactless, but not necessarily malicious, or intended as a dig at you. People do shoot their mouths off on all sorts of things they've just heard; I think the Internet has made it worse. I don't think you should end the friendship over this, unless she does this sort of thing repeatedly. As regards the specific remarks, I have never heard of such a study. In general studies show that, not very surprisingly, high quality childcare has positive effects on development, and low quality childcare has more negative effects. However. I have never heard of early childcare being associated with later alcohol or drug addiction, and certainly not with sexualized behaviour.

Being a parent really does bring out the worst in people OP. You need to learn to ignore / rise above. Everyone has an opinion and many are judgy. You do what's right for you and your family.

In my experience when the babies are little there's quite a lot of judginess about returning to work and quite a divide between full time workers and others. Years later it changes when everyone says how lucky you are to have a good career. Take no notice. Worsen are so judged it's terrible. In the end we are all trying to do our best.

She apologised. I would move on.

Rollmopsrule

My comment wasn't meant to be superior. My own children didn't go to nursery until the ones attached to school. And had lots of This Morning etc. In the background. I TV can also project poor body image
Sexualisation of children by passive tv viewing is a thing and kids in nurseries don't watch tv. My comment was meant in the context of how the OP's friend was making OP feel about sending her child to nursery .

FWIW my twin brother and I never went to nursery, only a playgroup part time when we were 3/4, I turned into an alcoholic and my brother is a pot head

That's a crappy thing to say.

Was this the first time something like this happened? Is she the type of person who doesn't necessarily always think before she says things? If she is in general jundemental then f* her, but is it possible that she so the type to bring just an interesting article to discuss without thinking?

Im just saying cause I stepped in it last week. People were talking about bilingual families. I opened my stupid mouth and said that I don't really understand when parents don't teach their native languages to children, especially when they are mainstream European languages. Then I told about a friend who is from country x and married to a man from country x but they decided not to teach the language to their kids and how that was odd. Then the person next to me tells how she was raised bilingual and has no intention of teaching the language to her kids (which is considered a massive benefit in the work force if you spoke the language). Yep, could have kept my jundegemt to myself.

It sounds like she's hit a nerve.

There's always one