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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at friend for this

61 replies

Frenchpastry · 04/08/2020 06:12

A very close friend and I have babies the same age (4 months). From before we even got pregnant, I knew I would return to work full time after maternity leave and she would return part time so my DD will go to full time childcare and her DS will maybe go part time if she decides to go back to work at all. The decision for me to go back full time is entirely based around what DH and I can afford. My friend knows that I would prefer to go back part time but it's not what can work for my family for many reasons so this is what we have decided is best for us.

Chatting over text the other evening she slipped into conversation that one of her new friends who is some sort of child development expert has told her that a child who goes to full time childcare before 1 is at higher risk of sexualised behaviour and drug and alcohol problems. I obviously immediately got angry and asked why on Earth she would decide to say that to me and she said because she thought it was just an interesting topic for discussion for us as we discuss everything else to do with the babies. She said she never meant that that would apply to my DD because I've found a childcare setting I'm really pleased with and she said that if she could find a setting more like the one I said I like then maybe she'd feel more comfortable to send DS to one because she's very anxious about leaving him at all when the time comes. I understand that, but she very specifically said this applies to those who go to full time only which will only apply to my DD, not her DS.

I'm really upset that she would say this to me and it be such an obvious judgement at what I have to do for my DD and family. We are very close friends normally and have been for nearly 10 years now and it's been wonderful to share the experience of becoming parents together but I now feel completely differently about her and can't seem to snap out of feeling like this even though she has apologised and tried to assure me that that is not what she meant by that. I just don't understand why she would say that though. I want to forgive her and move past it but I'm struggling. AIBU to be upset here or am I overreacting and need to just get over it?

OP posts:

Obviouslynotallthere · 04/08/2020 07:15

I remember when my eldest was a baby, he's 19 now. There was so much pressure on Mums to do this or that for their children; work not work, breast feed not bf etc etc the list goes on and on. And the number of books around and advice. The pressure was huge if you felt a bit unsure and inexperienced and especially because it's a sensitive subject.
My advice to you is don't take it personally, everyone has got an opinion on every subject going. Do what is right for your family and accept that others will do the same for theirs.
You're baby will be fine because you take the time and thought to make sure she will be well cared for at nursery or childminder. Don't let what others say dent your confidence. Stay friends and just accept you will do things differently from one another and tell her the same.

user1493413286 · 04/08/2020 07:15

Very thoughtless and inaccurate thing to say but if she’s a really good friend I’d accept her apology and move on.
I went back to work full time and people said some quite insensitive things but I was doing what my family needed and it’s meant I can take a longer second maternity leave compared to my part time friends and given me more time with my older DD.

PrimeraVez · 04/08/2020 07:24

I would be upset with her as well (I went back to work full time when both my kids were 4 months old - a decision I was comfortable with but you can imagine some of the comments I got)

However, as other posters have pointed out, whatever decisions you make as a parent, whether its to do with weaning, breastfeeding, sleep training etc etc, you will always get judgement and comments from others, quite often it's them projecting their own insecurities. So I guess you have to decide whether you can just ignore it and move past it, or if you feel it was done with malicious intent.

Teddybelle · 04/08/2020 07:27

Your friend probably had a moment of enjoying a sense of superiority because she’s in a position to make a different choice from you. She probably didn’t see how transparent she was being either by passive aggressively ‘quoting’ an expert. Of course she knew it would hit a nerve but I think all of us humans have the ability to have flashes of unpleasantness - that we generally resist if we’re nice people! She likely regrets it (because she sees she’s hurt you and realises she was being calculating) so as others say, if she’s usually someone who has your back and who you trust, try and move on this time. One of my oldest friends said something that really hurt a long time ago... 25 years! I haven’t forgotten it but she’s still a great friend and I can’t quite believe she ever said it. I decided to put it down to thoughtlessness rather than malice at the time. Good friends are hard to come by though and it’s not worth losing one over an isolated incident like this, especially if she seems genuinely sorry... though it will probably take you a while to get back to how things were.

DrManhattan · 04/08/2020 07:30

What a cow! Who would say anything that mean to a friend?

Chocolateoo · 04/08/2020 07:42

What a random thing to send. My honest opinion is.... Under the age of four I do think a child should have one parent at least part time. But I don't blame the parents for the fact this can't happen. The government have made life so expensive. They have made it incredibly hard for families to have balance. Child care is so expensive. I can't see working full time and paying child care could possibly justify working unless you earn well. For the average family you'd give up over half your earnings for your child.

My opinion and not fact is that kids because of the government now end up in nurseries full time from four months. Is that best for them? It's not going to save them but personally four months old and the mother being away every day all day and they are in a busy atmosphere is not probably the best way to develop. But it's certainly not the worst either. my cousin runs a nursery and had a child this age full time. He called her mummy. Because he spent 9 hours a day with her.

Mums should have more flexibility and choice when it comes to children. It's sad you've got to do this when your child's so young. But it depends how important your job is. For example a specialist doctor is different to having no choice in a low paid job. That's when it's becomes unfair.

You are not too blame though. It's the way things have been made. Your Friend is rude!

Doje · 04/08/2020 07:42

OP, don't take it to heart. She was a little insensitive is all. She's found a study backing up what she wants to do, and she wanted to share and discuss that information with you.

I agree with PP though - this is the first of many. There's always a different opinion to yours. Do you allow your child chocolate at 6 months or 3 years old, one biscuit at playgroup or 2? Will you let them run around at singing time? Are they allowed on the 'adults only' outdoor gym? Do they watch telly / play games on the tablet for 1 hour or 3? Are they allowed to jump on the sofa? It is honestly endless, and you will feel judged / judgey every time you make a decision different to someone else, so it's worth getting over, and getting used to it.

Elasticate · 04/08/2020 08:00

I don't think yabu to be hurt but there is a good chance that she was only thinking about her situation when she said it.

You are going to spend a lot of time annoyed if you think every comment about parenting is a comment on your situation. You need to decide what is best for your family and go with that decision. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Also, a world does not exist where two men would have this conversation - guilting women for doing things that men do without a second thought drives me mad!

On the return to work thing, you are returning to work fulltime. You can do that and be happy and productive and positive or you can do it with a cloud of guilt and anxiety hanging over you. Either way you are doing it. I work fulltime, my child is in fulltime care and I feel absolutely no guilt. I am providing for him and also teaching him that work is important. My mum worked fulltime and it never occurred to me not to do the same.

Ragwort · 04/08/2020 08:07

You need to develop a really tough skin as a mother, you will always be judged whatever you do. If you are happy and confident that you have made the right decision for your family then what does it matter?

I was judged (even here on Mumsnet) for being a SAHM for my (only) child until he was 12, it didn't bother me at all, I loved my years out of the workplace and had a very happy and fulfilling lifestyle.

Who knows whether my choice had any influence whatsoever on my DS's development - he is 19 now and he and his friends are happy, confident young people whether their mothers worked FT/PT or stayed at home.

Cam2020 · 04/08/2020 08:08

OP, don't take it to heart. She was a little insensitive is all. She's found a study backing up what she wants to do, and she wanted to share and discuss that information with you.

But she did this at the expensive of someone else she knows does not have the choice. Was it not enough to privately feel vindicated by the report? Sorry, but I think she's rubbing it in the OP's face. Let's face it, most of us could probably find reports extolling the virtues of what we think is right - 'experts' differ on many things. I don't think discussion came from good intentions. Just my opinion as I don't know either party.

Ragwort · 04/08/2020 08:08

Good point Elasticate - just imagine two men having this discussion in the office ?

ScrapThatThen · 04/08/2020 08:09

I found our friendships changed a lot when babies came along.

AntiAuntieAnty · 04/08/2020 08:10

YANBU. That was extremely insensitive at best.

I'm a SAHM btw!

MzHz · 04/08/2020 08:11

I swear to god, that comment is so outrageous, I’d be phasing her right out of my life if I were you.

She’s a genuinely cruel and mean person.

Ifmusicbethefoodoflove · 04/08/2020 08:15

Not RTFT but in my experience parents often spout crap to justify their own choices. It’s rarely to do with the other people. e.g. I work full time and think it’s a good things my DDs see their mum’s job is equally as important as their dad’s, whereas my friend sees being available for her DSs as more important. Neither of us are having think the others children are deprived/missing out/socially disadvantaged.

These conversations happen less as the children grow up!

Metallicalover · 04/08/2020 08:16

To me it sounds as though she doesn't agree with your choice to send you child to nursery.
I don't see why she has had to tell you this in a weird way from a study she has heard of!
It's none of her business what you do for work/childcare/your family.
I've had people make remarks as I've took over a year off for maternity leave saying that they need to go back to work to use their brain. And also the fact I'm not sending my child to nursery until she's 3 that other people who sent their child earlier 'people' can tell due to their social skills and communication

Me personally I would call her up on it and say that we all parent in different ways and we'll never agree on every aspect of parenting!

Amijustagrump · 04/08/2020 08:17

I wrote a thesis on this and although there is some studeies that show this there are many more that show the economic effects are actually more beneficial to those who go into child care!

Rollmopsrule · 04/08/2020 08:24

Luddite26
'I would have thought that's more likely to happen with daytime tv in the background at home and TikTok on the phone - things that kids aren't exposed to in a professional setting.'
Lol! Talk about judgemental and thinking your parenting choices are superior.

Cornishbelle · 04/08/2020 08:28

I echo what @Obviouslynotallthere said. If you can, and I know it might not be possible, try and overlook the comments as thoughtless but not intended to hurt. Especially if she is such a long term good friend.

Parenting is one of the most controversial topics of all time and trust me this will be the first of many bits of advice opinions tips etc. Everyone has a different experience and can only comment on that, you would be best off focusing on the fact you know you are doing what's right for your family and situation. You are the expert on your family no one else can come close

The80sweregreat · 04/08/2020 08:29

My son went to a nursery full time at six months old and is now 27 and is the least aggressive person on the planet. Laid back generally happy and just an ordinary person!
I would say that going to school is more likely to influence a child's behavior myself as they start mixing more with other children.
Your friend has been reading the internet , and you can always find negative things about anything you want to do or not do in life. Try to find the studies that prove that childcare and a nursery setting is good for children , I'm sure they're are many of those too!
I was told I wasn't ' committed' to my eldest because I worked full time by someone who i very quickly unfriended as she liked to put everything down and was the competitive mother at every opportunity!
They are everywhere and will judge everything you say or do. Just ignore them!
I think they also like to say all this to justify their own actions as well. She will probably not go back to work herself which is her choice of course , but then have a dig at you because you do work. You will never win I'm afraid.
Do what's right for you and your family and im sure your child will be absolutely fine!
I hate People that dig away at others.

Chocolate1984 · 04/08/2020 08:32

I didn’t send my kid to nursery and everyone told me my child would lack confidence, won’t be able to mix, would struggle with language, clingy and suffer at school. She was fine. Just accept you can’t win and do what you want.

supersop60 · 04/08/2020 08:36

Everyone's an expert in childcare, and you will learn to develop a thick skin.
My favourite response to this kind of comment (ie in the OP) is to say "Nevertheless......" because this is a semi-humorous way of saying you are going to do it anyway.

dottiedodah · 04/08/2020 08:38

I think she was being rather thoughtless TBH.It does seem a crap thing to say really ,but maybe she just didnt think it through ? Maybe give her another chance as you have been friends for a long time .If she keeps on saying things like this maybe let her go!Thing is you can never win ,Go to work full time then not ideal .Dont go to work at all No ambition ,baby will suffer from lack of drive ! As someone once said ,a Mothers place seems to be in the wrong! I am quit sure that all the thousands and thousands of children in F/T care will turn out fine! Used to be a Nursery Nurse all Children there were completely normal!

Brieminewine · 04/08/2020 08:39

Your friend was either insensitive or vindictive depending which way you think the comment was intended, however I think you’ve taken it too personally because your unhappy with the fact you have to send your child to childcare in the first place.

Looneytune253 · 04/08/2020 08:44

Jeez that's really inflammatory: I can't even think of a study that would legitimately find these kinds of things. Tell your friend you think their friend is talking rubbish

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