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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep the shame and regret secret

71 replies

WilsonMilson · 03/08/2020 20:40

I’ve NC’d for this. I’ll try to be brief but bear with me.

I was looking through an old box of cards that I have stored in the attic. It’s brought back an issue that I’ve kept secret from my DH for many years, and one that I feel the weight of quite often. Reading back some cards and letters has brought it to the fore.

When I was a late teenager, and early 20’s I had a very serious eating disorder. Anorexia. I was never hospitalised despite being threatened with it on a number of occasions, at one point I was almost sectioned. I was very ill indeed and almost died, my weight was so very low - less than 4 stone at one point, just awful. It went on for 7 years and I had to drop out of university which was hard as I was academic.
It upsets me a great deal to even type about being so ill as I can’t imagine what I was doing or thinking at the time, and the abuse I put my poor body through by starvation and exercise was devastating.

I carry a lot of shame and regret about it and I wish so much I could change it. I have hidden all pictures and evidence of myself in those years.

I recovered fully at 25. I have been a normal weight since and miraculously I have a pretty healthy relationship with food. I went on to marry and have a child who is now a teenager. I was so lucky. I do have some physical issues from that time -slightly low bone density and am very veiny and have thin skin. I hope no more issues will show up- am in my forties now.

The thing is. My husband doesn’t know any of this. I was always so ashamed of my past that I hid it from everyone I met after I recovered. I created cover stories for the time I was ill, and he even thinks I have a degree from the University I dropped out of - I’ve never put it on my CV or used it professionally of course, but it kind of covered those years when we first met and I didn’t want to tell him about my past in case he saw me differently.

It’s been over 20 years now since that time, but I still carry a lot of trauma and shame about it, and I wonder if keeping it a secret as I have is unhealthy and damaging.

I guess I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable for keeping this part of my past in the past, or if I should tell him about it and risk him changing how he sees me and who he sees me as. He’s a lovely man and I trust him, but it’s been such a big secret to me for so long. If anyone has some advice it would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

LucyLocketsPocket · 03/08/2020 20:51

I would just tell him. Unburden yourself of the negative feelings. It was an illness and you're better now. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Ginger1982 · 03/08/2020 20:53

I think you should tell him. What about your family? Have they all kept the secret too?

labyrinthloafer · 03/08/2020 20:54

I think you should seek counselling as whilst I don't want to belittle your feelings, I don't agree that there is any need to feel shame.

How amazing you've managed to recover and hold a normal weight for so long, that is just a lovely thing to read because many people do struggle for so long.

I wish you all the best

DrManhattan · 03/08/2020 20:55

I am glad you have recovered. It is a terrible illness. You shouldn't feel shame about this, maybe talk to someone about your feelings. From what you have written I am sure your husband would be very understanding.

RandomTree · 03/08/2020 20:56

You say that you have a teenager now, so that could be a good starting point for a conversation about it? How having a teen is making you think back to your own teen years. I do think that sharing this and bringing it out into the open will make you feel better in the long run. Your DH will understand that you felt ashamed which is why you weren't honest before.

TheHighestSardine · 03/08/2020 20:58

You shouldn't be ashamed. You should be proud you made it through. Use that to be more confident in yourself - you succeeded.

You don't need to tell him, if you'd rather not - but don't choose not to because of shame. If there's shame you still need healing, and if he can help, ask for that help.

Fedup21 · 03/08/2020 20:59

I would just tell him.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/08/2020 21:03

I would tell him. As pp said, you shouldn’t be ashamed as if shoe just how strong you are x

MiddleClassProblem · 03/08/2020 21:03

*it shows

shellshock77 · 03/08/2020 21:08

OP read some of Hadley Freeman's pieces, you might find some help there as she has been down a similar path as you. You should be proud of where you are, and it sounds like you have a good DH - maybe counselling might help you feel able to tell him.

Lianarose · 03/08/2020 21:09

Eating disorders are very traumatic indeed, and I’m sorry you’ve carried shame around this for such a long time. The thing is shame thrives with secrecy. I think you know that keeping the trauma a secret is probably not healthy for you. Perhaps it served a purpose for you at one time to keep the ED a secret, but from your post it’s now outlived its usefulness.

Any reasonable person would not shame you for it, just be sad you’ve suffered like this. If you are anxious about talking to your DH perhaps you can find someone to talk it through with first, possibly a professional.

It takes great strength and courage to recover from an ED and build a good life. That’s something to be really proud of.

AutumnLeavesSeptember · 03/08/2020 21:11

Why don't you get some counselling for yourself and explore these feelings with someone professional?

44PumpLane · 03/08/2020 21:11

Wow, how amazing and strong you are to have pulled through and developed a healthy relationship with food. Well done... You should feel nothing but pride at picking yourself up and moving forwards.

I understand why you would find it difficult to talk about, but if you don't deal with those feelings they will do nothing but continue to burden you.

Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love, your teenage child for example. Would you expect them to feel shame for such a thing? I suspect not.

You have overcome, you have accomplished, you have survived!

Original poster

WilsonMilson · 03/08/2020 21:15

Thanks, I wish I’d just been honest from the start. Seems somehow much bigger after all these years.
I also think I need to stop blaming myself for it, which I seem to do more the older I get.

OP posts:

Therarestone · 03/08/2020 21:15

You have nothing to be ashamed of so I guess it's why you keep it from him. If it's because it is in the past and you just don't want to talk about it then that's your choice and is fine. If you are ashamed for some reason then I know it's easy for me to say but don't be. You have incredible strength, to overcome something like anorexia is amazing and you should be proud

Giraffey1 · 03/08/2020 21:21

Tell him. You did nothing wrong, you were ill. That’s no crime. Tell him, explain why you didn’t mention it before, and why that time in your life is difficult for you to revisit.

frumpety · 03/08/2020 21:22

Who you were back then isn't who you were when you met DH and who you are now, we all change and grow. Let it go and forgive your younger self, she would be very happy and proud to see where she is now

nocoolnamesleft · 03/08/2020 21:24

You are amazing. You have managed to overcome a truly awful illness. Ashamed? Honestly, you should be proud of what you have achieved.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2020 21:25

I don't see why you need to feel shame. You had an illness and recovered. I agree counselling might help. I also don't think you have done anything wrong by not telling him.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/08/2020 21:25

@WilsonMilson

Thanks, I wish I’d just been honest from the start. Seems somehow much bigger after all these years. I also think I need to stop blaming myself for it, which I seem to do more the older I get.

It must feel huge but I think you should treat it like a plaster. If you feel you want to you can show him somethings from that time, explain why you kept it secret. The longer you leave it the bigger it will seem and it’s you that is carrying it. It might help you accept it.

Bemorechicken · 03/08/2020 21:26

I want to give you a massive hug. You were ill. Tell him.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 03/08/2020 21:32

You've nothing to feel ashamed of. I think he might be a great source of support for you and it might help you to heal to share it. Your choice, though. Take care, OP. All the best.

Belle1983 · 03/08/2020 21:32

You have such an amazing strength to have even over come this in the first place @WilsonMilson.
You have no reason feel any shame for being ill, but you absolutely should be so proud of all you have achieved since.

As others have said, I'm sure if you tell your DH he will be understanding and supportive.
Even if he's a little surprised at the secret at first, I'm sure his only concern will be supporting you in your final part of this healing process.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
You're an amazing person,don't forget that.

Original poster

WilsonMilson · 03/08/2020 21:32

All your posts have brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for being so kind and understanding, sometimes AIBU can be a bit brutal so I was quite nervous of the responses.

I think that counselling is probably something that’s long overdue to deal with the legacy of shame that I can’t seem to quite shake. I feel so nervous of telling my DH, it’s probably silly as we have a good marriage and tell each other everything otherwise. I’m sure he would be supportive, but I’m scared that he wouldn’t think of me as the same person. Daft really.

Also, to anyone reading who suffers from an eating disorder or cares for someone who does, it really is possible to fully recover - even after 7 years as it was for me, and I never thought I’d be able to have a child and we did quite easily in the end, which was the greatest blessing.

OP posts:

BakedCam · 03/08/2020 21:34

OP,

Don't feel shame. Clear the decks, have a meal, gulp and tell your husband.

Allow him now to help you through this guilt you're feeling. You've done nothing wrong. You've carried this for so many years and come through. Guilt and shame is soul destroying. You have come through the worst, it is now time to be better. Unburden yourself to your husband.

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