To keep the shame and regret secret

[WilsonMilson]

I’ve NC’d for this. I’ll try to be brief but bear with me.

I was looking through an old box of cards that I have stored in the attic. It’s brought back an issue that I’ve kept secret from my DH for many years, and one that I feel the weight of quite often. Reading back some cards and letters has brought it to the fore.

When I was a late teenager, and early 20’s I had a very serious eating disorder. Anorexia. I was never hospitalised despite being threatened with it on a number of occasions, at one point I was almost sectioned. I was very ill indeed and almost died, my weight was so very low - less than 4 stone at one point, just awful. It went on for 7 years and I had to drop out of university which was hard as I was academic.
It upsets me a great deal to even type about being so ill as I can’t imagine what I was doing or thinking at the time, and the abuse I put my poor body through by starvation and exercise was devastating.

I carry a lot of shame and regret about it and I wish so much I could change it. I have hidden all pictures and evidence of myself in those years.

I recovered fully at 25. I have been a normal weight since and miraculously I have a pretty healthy relationship with food. I went on to marry and have a child who is now a teenager. I was so lucky. I do have some physical issues from that time -slightly low bone density and am very veiny and have thin skin. I hope no more issues will show up- am in my forties now.

The thing is. My husband doesn’t know any of this. I was always so ashamed of my past that I hid it from everyone I met after I recovered. I created cover stories for the time I was ill, and he even thinks I have a degree from the University I dropped out of - I’ve never put it on my CV or used it professionally of course, but it kind of covered those years when we first met and I didn’t want to tell him about my past in case he saw me differently.

It’s been over 20 years now since that time, but I still carry a lot of trauma and shame about it, and I wonder if keeping it a secret as I have is unhealthy and damaging.

I guess I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable for keeping this part of my past in the past, or if I should tell him about it and risk him changing how he sees me and who he sees me as. He’s a lovely man and I trust him, but it’s been such a big secret to me for so long. If anyone has some advice it would be gratefully received.

Don't feel guilty, feel proud. 💐

I don't see why you need to tell DH or anyone. It's all in the past - you are not the same person that you were 20+ yrs ago. Why bring it up now? Counselling might be more appropriate, if you're able to open up about it.

I think you should speak to a therapist before you speak to your husband. Work through the shame, guilt and fear.

But I would tell your husband. You poor thing OP. So much shame and guilt and you have nothing to feel shame and guilt about.

As others have said, you had an illness and recovered. If you'd had cancer instead, most likely you would not be ashamed either of having had it or of not having told your husband about it before. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

First of all congratulations on your recovery- it cannot have been an easy road and an eating disorder is something that's with you for life whether it's slipping back into damaging habits or the burden of the shame you've described. I don't think your unreasonable for not wanting to tell your DH, but I think it would perhaps help finally close the book on that part of your life if you were able to share it with him. As others have said- counselling to help you process your feelings and thoughts around your ED and that time in your life is likely to be very helpful.
Please remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of- whether you decide to share info with DH or not- you should only feel proud at what you have managed to achieved since recovery

As others have said you should feel proud of yourself for overcoming something that is incredibly hard and painful to recover from. I had anorexia around the same age you did and while I don’t have a totally normal relationship with food I eat well and am slightly overweight. Something that would have been unimaginable to deal with when I was in the grip of the illness. I don’t feel ashamed or guilty. It was a coping mechanism even though it was a destructive one.

What is making you want to tell your DH about it? If you don’t want to tell him you don’t need to. You aren’t lying just choosing not to share that part of your life with him which is absolutely ok. Does he need to know? Do you need him to know and if so, why is it important and what would it change. These are some questions you could maybe think about.

Well done on your recovery! Why not have counselling to help talk through the issue and go from there.

I agree with the pp who suggested getting therapy. A good therapist will help you process what happened and also prepare for telling your husband. I had several eating disorders when I was younger and don't think you should face this alone. I wish you the best outcome, freedom from shame

You don’t need to feel ashamed, you were ill, it was not your fault. Once it gets a grip it is so hard to get out. I think you should tell your husband, you have fudged the truth a little bit but not been deliberately deceitful.

As someone who has anxiety and carries a great deal of guilt and shame around about far too many things to list I would recommend CBT. I did a course when a few things came to a head in my life and found it helpful. I won’t say it changed my life - I still punish myself with guilty feelings and I will always have anxiety but it helped to quell what was overwhelming me at the time.

I think there are two separate issues OP:

1. shame about your illness.

2. keeping part of your past from your DH

The more important thing to work through is the residual shame. It’s such a big part of anorexia. Once you’ve done that, with help from a counsellor think about your DH.

Is there any way you could say to him “I’ve never mentioned it but I was quite ill when I was at uni and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m going to have some counselling sessions and then I’ll probs talk to you about it a bit” - is he the type to let you work through that or would he then put pressure on you?

I just wonder if lying re where you are when having counselling might increase your feelings of shame and guilt?

@SmileEachDay

I think there are two separate issues OP:

1. shame about your illness.

2. keeping part of your past from your DH

The more important thing to work through is the residual shame. It’s such a big part of anorexia. Once you’ve done that, with help from a counsellor think about your DH.

Is there any way you could say to him “I’ve never mentioned it but I was quite ill when I was at uni and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m going to have some counselling sessions and then I’ll probs talk to you about it a bit” - is he the type to let you work through that or would he then put pressure on you?

I just wonder if lying re where you are when having counselling might increase your feelings of shame and guilt?

@SmileEachDay - I like your recommendation on how to present it to her DH

Remember that you don't have to tell him. People are allowed secrets. Everyone has them.
I agree that counselling might help the shame.
Also, completing what you never finished before can be very healing. Why not do an OU degree if you can afford the time and money?

You don't need to feel shame or regret. You went through something and survived. You are strong and amazing. I'm sure if you confide in your husband he will be glad that you told him and he won't think differently of you. If a bunch of strangers on the internet think that you are brilliant for battling through what you have then your husband who loves you won't have a problem.

As others have said OP, please don't feel shame. What a tough journey you've been through...you should be so proud of yourself.

Don't feel bad about not telling your DH....at that time when you met him you were much closer to that traumatic period in your life...possibly too close to it to be able to talk about it or even really think about it. You were probably still processing it yourself. I had a similar experience with my DH 're telling him about how i had lost my virginity. I lied and told him it was a normal experience when it wasn't. I also had a lot of shame attached to it. My reason for not telling my now DH the truth at the time was less about him and more about me...i wasn't ready to talk about it. But in time I became ready and I spoke to him about it and he was great, really supportive and understanding. It sounds like your DH might be the same. But it's totally your choice whether you are ready and want to talk to him about it.

This isn't something you have done that has wronged him in any way, so it's not the kind of secret he can really be cross about- he might feel hurt that you have hidden it all this time.
I think you could tell him now, but it might be worth getting some counselling around this to support you to do this, so that you're looking after yourself, as it'll probably be quite a difficult conversation/ series of conversations. I understand why you've buried it and it's good that you're starting to think about sharing that part of your life now, it shows courage and maturity.

It is your secret to tell or keep. No one can make that decision for you and no one should criticize you for the decision you make.

But I think it would be a good idea to work this through with a counselor. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed about having had an ED or about wanting to keep it private. Work through the negative feelings, then you'll be in a better place to make a decision about telling.

I didn't tell my DH I'd had an ED before we met until we'd been married 10 years. In fact, I had a very short 'relapse bout' of bulimia a few years after I told him about the original ED that he didn't know about until just a few years ago. It is what it is.

Hi OP,

As you have acknowledged counselling would be helpful, I would suggest you explore your feelings a bit and discuss telling your husband with your therapist before you actually do. I hid an ED for 20 yrs and i recognise the guilt and shame. Perhaps try thinking of the Anorexia as not something shameful from your past, but a part of you As you are today - the wonderful woman and mother you have become. You overcame it, but it’s still there, a part of you which you manage successfully every day. It no longer owns or controls you, but vice versa, so the shame has no place now.

Trust the process and it will honestly not be as bad you fear. Good luck

He will be fine if you tell him - I would be in his situation. Just explain you didn't want to tell him when you first met and then the longer it went on the more difficult it was to bring up - plus you shut it out of your mind. I can't see how anyone would be upset by you not revealing this - only in terms of not being able to share some of the pain with someone you love

letmethinkaboutitfornow

I could not disagree more. If my husband came to me with a major trauma that he had kept secret for 20 years, I wouldn't think he was untrustworthy--I would think he was incredibly brave. I might wish that I had been there for him, but if anything it would make me proud of him.

OP, I echo the calls for therapy. There are people who can help you come to terms with your past and to move beyond shame.

I also join the others in thinking you strong, not shameful, for having survived your illness.

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐you’ve done nothing wrong you are amazing having recovered.

I recommend Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

I'm in recovery from alcoholism, another disorder that has shame associated with it. I told my DH about it before we got married, worried sick that he'd call off our engagement. He could not have been more lovely and supportive about it and it's been a comfort ever since that he knows and supports me.

You can tell him and it will be just fine.

I think the vote probably doesn't represent what people think because it was hard to know what you meant by voting YABU or YANBU.

You've done such a huge thing in recovering from such a vicious illness. In a way I can see that it was better in the past to keep it private (not secret) because maybe having someone worried about you and questioning you about your food intake would have made you relapse.

Now you're so far from that and it's having such an effect on you in terms of shame - I hope you realise that we all think you're fantastic for recovering so well - I'm sure your husband will agree with us.

You poor poor soul!

Why O why should you be ashamed of what is a recognised ilnness?

You were ill, plain and simple you recovered and all has been well since.

If you were my lady i'd just say lets sit down have a nice cuppa and tell me whats been bothering you all those years, and I'd see plain as day that you had suffered and carried a burden that you shouldnt have been carrying, and I'd be gladdened that you had told me as it will of course make you feel better that you don't have to carry this guilt anymore.

And I wouldnt think any the less of you for it, degree or not either.

And if your bloke is as great as you say it is i bet he'd think the same way!

Wow, how strong you are. Coming back from the edge is an amazing achievement.

I can understand why you feel the way you do. For far too long we have been made to think MH issues are something to be ashamed of. However, now there is a whole movement trying to turn the tide so the fact that your DD is now a teen together with the current awareness campaigns gives you an ideal opportunity to start a talk.

When talking about MH, I find it useful to equate it to a physical illness that most can relate to.
Simplistically, MH issues can be looked on as a problem with the chemical reactions of the brain.
Diabetes is a problem with the production of insulin. No-one is ashamed of the body's inability to regulate sugar. There is no stigma associated with injecting the required medication.

MH should be no different. In both cases, the body is malfunctioning. The more open we can be about this, the sooner people will stop feeling the need to keep it secret.

Your DH & DD need to understand you were hiding your past from them because you were actually hiding from it yourself.

I hope that you are able to find your way through this. Remember, it is not a failure to ask for help so if you need professional support then seeing a counsellor both as an individual and/or a couple then that is perfectly acceptable and most definitely a sign of strength and not a weakness.

Good Luck.