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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep the shame and regret secret

71 replies

WilsonMilson · 03/08/2020 20:40

I’ve NC’d for this. I’ll try to be brief but bear with me.

I was looking through an old box of cards that I have stored in the attic. It’s brought back an issue that I’ve kept secret from my DH for many years, and one that I feel the weight of quite often. Reading back some cards and letters has brought it to the fore.

When I was a late teenager, and early 20’s I had a very serious eating disorder. Anorexia. I was never hospitalised despite being threatened with it on a number of occasions, at one point I was almost sectioned. I was very ill indeed and almost died, my weight was so very low - less than 4 stone at one point, just awful. It went on for 7 years and I had to drop out of university which was hard as I was academic.
It upsets me a great deal to even type about being so ill as I can’t imagine what I was doing or thinking at the time, and the abuse I put my poor body through by starvation and exercise was devastating.

I carry a lot of shame and regret about it and I wish so much I could change it. I have hidden all pictures and evidence of myself in those years.

I recovered fully at 25. I have been a normal weight since and miraculously I have a pretty healthy relationship with food. I went on to marry and have a child who is now a teenager. I was so lucky. I do have some physical issues from that time -slightly low bone density and am very veiny and have thin skin. I hope no more issues will show up- am in my forties now.

The thing is. My husband doesn’t know any of this. I was always so ashamed of my past that I hid it from everyone I met after I recovered. I created cover stories for the time I was ill, and he even thinks I have a degree from the University I dropped out of - I’ve never put it on my CV or used it professionally of course, but it kind of covered those years when we first met and I didn’t want to tell him about my past in case he saw me differently.

It’s been over 20 years now since that time, but I still carry a lot of trauma and shame about it, and I wonder if keeping it a secret as I have is unhealthy and damaging.

I guess I’m asking if I’m being unreasonable for keeping this part of my past in the past, or if I should tell him about it and risk him changing how he sees me and who he sees me as. He’s a lovely man and I trust him, but it’s been such a big secret to me for so long. If anyone has some advice it would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

IceCreamSummer20 · 03/08/2020 22:41

It’s always better with ‘secrets’ out with your DH. It will be fine. You ARE the person that had this problem, this IS you. Don’t you want your DH to know the genuine you? Rather than the glossy version?

I have some parts of myself that I would not tell many people from my past, but I would tell a really good friends and I would tell a husband.

It will bring you closer. He will have got to know more of you, vulnerabilities and all.

1Morewineplease · 03/08/2020 22:45

The fact that you have come onto MN, an anonymous forum, suggests that you feel the need to unburden yourself.
Do it.
What do you have to lose? Your partner will still love you . Most importantly, you need to be at peace with yourself.
Tell him the truth and tell him how you’ve been feeling for all of this time.
All good wishes to you OP.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/08/2020 22:46

As so many have said, OP, you should feel proud of your achievement, not ashamed of your illness. I hope that you’ll tell DH and that he’ll be proud of you too.

SonEtLumiere · 03/08/2020 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmileEachDay · 03/08/2020 22:50

Can I ask could you give some specific examples of things you did/choices you made that you now regret, feel shame for?

I’m not sure asking the OP to relive details that she is traumatised by when she has no access to RL support is a very good idea.

L8Bloomer · 03/08/2020 22:58

dOES he have any idea?
I found out in my late 20s that my Dad had been in hospital for an eating disorder before I was born. I was very upset for a while. As soon as I got used to the idea, I didn't build it up in to more than it was. It was just that I hadn't known. So I hope he has an inkling. But saying that, you don't owe it to him to let him know about what happened before you got together. Also, is he a kind man? If he isn't, you're not obliged to tell anybody anything if it makes you uncomfortable.

HotPatootiebootie · 03/08/2020 23:02

I read the first five replies and have skipped all the ones since.

You have no need to feel shame. But I do think you should feel secure enough in your relationship to be ache to share this..

Ssmiler · 03/08/2020 23:08

Your story is so inspiring and gives hope to others battling this awful illness. You deserve so much respect for recovering so well - its also completely understandable why you might have wanted to put it behind you but you should feel incredibly proud - definitely not ashamed.

I’m sure your DH will be blown away by your strength and proud of your achievement in having overcome this

BrummyMum1 · 03/08/2020 23:23

I’ve been through similar (although not as ill as you) and I don’t feel the person I was back then is the person I am now. Many people experience mental health issues particularly as a teenager or young adult but that doesn’t need to define who you are today. Model the honesty and courage that you want to see in your teenage DC and be open with your family. Good luck.

PeppersYellow · 03/08/2020 23:27

You're amazing to come through that. You must've been strong to get through it. Had similar but for not nearly as long and was family support that helped me. Personally I wouldn't want to rake it all up with counselling. Maybe just telling your dh will be enough and serve to be therapeutic in itself? Don't put pressure on yourself to tell him. It's not terrible that you haven't told him. It's in your past and I'm sure there's a lot of people that haven't told their partners certain aspects of their lives. It's not murder after all. You don't have to tell him right away. Have a think. It's your info. I wish you all the best. At the moment there's too much time to think. Take care.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 03/08/2020 23:37

Please do not feel ashamed. You are very inspirational and should be proud Of what you have gone on to achieve.
When you are ready, tell your DH. But I also think you need to tell your DC .
We need to stop hiding the existence of anorexia and other health disorders. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Durgasarrow · 03/08/2020 23:43

You should truly not be angry with yourself. You did an amazing thing by overcoming anorexia. Also, I think you should have mercy on yourself by remembering that oftentimes, a child who shows maladaptive symptoms such as eating disorders is really only the "identified patient" in an unhealthy larger family or larger social group. The child can often be a sensitive person who is reflecting and embodying pain that is happening in a family or indeed a culture where something is going wrong. The expectations on young girls in general, as well as whatever was happening in your own personal life, could all have contributed to why your eating was disordered in the first place.

DopamineHits · 04/08/2020 00:16

I don't understand why you would feel shame. You were ill. And the lies you told were residue from the illness. You didn't hurt anyone. Your DH didn't fall in love with you because of your fictional degree! And the guilt is only hurting you.

If you can just shut the door and move on and there's nothing to worry about in the future (like if your profession requires that degree) then let it be done. Go and dissect it all with a counselor if you think it might help for closure. I agree that eating disorders are not shameful but I also understand if you want to keep it private, everyone is different.

If you think it might come back to bite you, then it may be helpful to get it all out. But honestly, if someone I knew was telling me your story I would only feel sad that they carried an unnecessary burden for so long.

nicenames · 04/08/2020 07:40

Please don't feel shame.

I met my husband whilst still in recovery. I still struggle with the shame bit. I think that part of it is natural and part of it is the fact that it was spelled out to me frequently "what I was putting my parents through" by well meaning others (this obviously wasn't helpful, nor was the simplistic "just have a piece of cake then you will realise the error of your ways" response I got from my parents -borne of frustration of course.)

Now I have my own kids I understand how horrific it was for them and I feel awful for them. But I know that I wouldn't feel this way if I had a physical illness as a child. Mental illness is complicated, it isn't your fault that you struggled for so long - the recovery rates are quite poor for anorexia so actually you did very well to recover at all and should be proud.

Original poster

WilsonMilson · 04/08/2020 09:29

Thank you everyone for your replies, I’ve read them all and it’s made me quite emotional.

I have carried the shame for too long and it has been an unspoken burden for me, and one that seems to have gotten larger recently, but maybe that because there’s been much more quiet time at home in the last few months to reflect.

The only people in my life who know about it are my parents and my aunts, uncles and cousins. Also some childhood friends. They would never bring it up though.

Leafing through old correspondence from that time yesterday really brought it home to me that I have years of life lived that I keep secret, life challenging and changing things that I’ve airbrushed out of existence.

I would like to tell my DH, but first I’ve decided to look for some therapy to discuss these issues and how to best approach it. You’ve been incredibly helpful to me, thank you all.

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 04/08/2020 09:50

You shouldn’t feel ashamed you should feel proud you overcome your illness I would seek counselling and then tell dh

dontdisturbmenow · 04/08/2020 09:58

You're experiencing shame when all you should feel is pride for having overcome it all. You should share your experience with your head high and even maybe consider supporting people going through it now to give them some inspiration.

EggBoxes · 04/08/2020 10:02

I agree that some therapy first is a good idea. Better to work through it before sharing with your DH. I understand what everyone is saying about him being amazing and wonderful, but if it comes as a shock at first his first reactions may not be his last, so I think it’s worth cutting him a break if he does react with shock at first.

Embracelife · 04/08/2020 12:20

Talk to a therapist first.
Explain what you said and rehearse telling him with your therapist.
Build the skills first to handle whatever reaction .
It sounds like he would be supportive but may not understand why you kept it secret. So use the therapist first.

SerenityNowwwww · 04/08/2020 12:22

It’s part of your history - and has most likely made you the person you are today. How do you think he will react if you sit him down and tell him. There is no shame in what you went through - and remember you went through this and came out the other end. Many don’t. You are stronger than you can imagine.

ladypete · 04/08/2020 13:49

I think you should definitely tell him. There is. I thing to be ashamed about and I am speaking from experience. I would also want him to be aware of the family history in case your DD started to show any symptoms.

You will also feel a weight lifted!

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