To think I should be able to go to the supermarket

[cocavino]

Disclaimer: this came up as a side issue in another of my threads. Have name changed for this.

Here are the main points:

1. My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

1. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.

1. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)

1. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?

[lakesidesummer]

Thank goodness you have left, keep it that way.
This is not a safe man to live with.

[TorgosPizza]

Reading just the little you've written about your husband gives me the creeps, OP. YANBU. He's being very weirdly controlling. I think you've done well to leave him!

[JaneJack23]

Omg who needs 6 weeks of driving lessons!!!!! You are being scammed by the company. Your husband is not right and sounds abusive. Your poor au pair is not in charge of cooking & cleaning. So many things are wrong with this situation.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@JaneJack23 you’re hilarious.

1. RTFT
   

And

1. It’s normal to learn to drive for a few months before going for your test. Two lessons a week for 6 weeks is not being scammed.

[cocavino]

@JaneJack23 I have since passed the exam and I feel that I took just the right number of lessons. I'm a very experienced driver but needed to become comfortable with UK traffic rules.

[KorkMum]

What an abusive husband you have.

[Alwaysinpain]

[quote cocavino]@JaneJack23 I have since passed the exam and I feel that I took just the right number of lessons. I'm a very experienced driver but needed to become comfortable with UK traffic rules.[/quote]
Ah I already had a feeling there was a cultural difference here. Where are you from, OP? (Just out of curiosity).

Well done leaving him

[Alwaysinpain]

@JaneJack23

Omg who needs 6 weeks of driving lessons!!!!! You are being scammed by the company. Your husband is not right and sounds abusive. Your poor au pair is not in charge of cooking & cleaning. So many things are wrong with this situation.

Are you joking?! I had a year of lessons before passing! Granted 5/6 lessons were cancelled due to bad weather but still. The legal minimum of hours you now have to do is 45 I believe

[StCharlotte]

OP are you the lady who had to stay due to visa issues?

If so, I am so happy to hear you've left. Try and re-read your older threads from an outsider's point of view and you'll see you've absolutely done the right thing.

Good luck

[cocavino]

@Alwaysinpain I'm American. He's born and bred English though his parents are both immigrants.

@StCharlotte that's me!

[Catmaiden]

Lots of your threads have gone, due to being posted in another place. I do hope you saved them all, so you can re read the excellent advice you were given. I do think you need to re read them all, judging by your post here.
Best wishes to you and DD, in your new life, away from your utter shit of a STBExH.

[bimblingonagain]

So glad you are free. Don't go back. He sounds odious. You can't have a happy life with someone who is mean and controlling. It doesn't matter what he says, he can't change who he is. Stay clear and keep interactions to a minimum (or zero if you've got a solicitor) as every communication is ammunition for further head fuckery.

[REignbow]

The only communication you need to have with him, is about your daughter. Leave everything else to your SHL.

He’s abusive and you need to continue with your counselling and maybe do the freedom programme to work on yourself.

Also, you had a lot of support in the other place. Maybe post again, if you are struggling.

[Aveisenim]

All communication needs to be through your solicitor and solely about your DD, is there any reason it isn't? He has abused you, you would be well within your rights to report him to the police. Coercive control is illegal.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

I second others , why are you discussing this with him ? You absolutely did the right thing leaving however you need to stop engaging. Step up and grey rock him now. All communication done through a solicitor or legal channels. By continuing to discuss the whys and wherefores you are continuing to be abused. Stop.

Of course engage about custody access times etc. However you have left , stop feeling into it. It isn't about being "nice" or "reasonable" it's about not drawing a line.

He is clearly intensely controlling and vile. Frankly one word of that situation from my DP I promise you he would be gone....nobody has the right to tell me what I have time for and what I don't.

Really get some therapy to manage how you respond to situations. None of this was your fault at all but it will have left you with a skewed way of handling things. Not your fault at all but it is your responsibility to get some support to sort out your thinking.

[cocavino]

The reason that we were discussing this at all is because I am desperately trying to sort out custody and the financial settlement without getting the courts involved. I have my SHL as support to ensure that I don't shortchange myself.

He's so manipulative that sometimes it throws me off balance - however, the resounding YANBU that I am getting here helps remind me that his behaviour is totally beyond the pale and I am right to put the relationship behind me.

Perhaps I will post again in the other place at some point, but it had stopped being helpful.

[Happynow001]

I've obviously missed something... what's "the other place" I've seen it mentioned a few times now.

[Thislittlelady]

Erm, can’t you see what’s happening to you? Now that you’ve written it down? I recently realised something in here and I’m looking into it- not pleasant but I think you know what you need to do now..

[DuncinToffee]

STBEXH will not be reasonable, so it will very likely end up in court. He is still taking up so much head space and remember he knows exactly how to play you.

I hope things have settled down a bit for you and DD. You are doing the right thing.

[REignbow]

Court is the best place to hammer this out @cocavino.

I say this, as mediation does not work with an abuser.

I’m unsure with the reluctance in going down this route. He’s already made you believe that you were being unreasonable etc, when in fact he’s a controlling manipulative and gaslighting twat.

[Aveisenim]

@Polyxena given the number of time the OP was attacked by other posters, I can fully understand why she has reposted under a different name when she needs support due to his manipulative nature making her question herself.

@cocavino I still think it would be best go go through the court and go back to all contact being through SHL. It's honestly the only way you're going to get him to stop screwing you around. Giving him access to you always leads to him trying to mess you around and leading you to question your own reality. You are worth more and so is your DD.

Sending love and hugs your way. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need support x

[Cakeorchocolate]

Pleased to see you've already left him. Him trying to claim it's all out of concern for you daughter is just using her as an excuse.

Good luck going forward. I'd be tempted to go formal route for arrangements given his previous behaviour.

[Livelovebehappy]

What an awful bully! Stand up to him OP - you’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. If you bow down to his demands he will only get worse.