To think I should be able to go to the supermarket

[cocavino]

Disclaimer: this came up as a side issue in another of my threads. Have name changed for this.

Here are the main points:

1. My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

1. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.

1. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)

1. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I am SO glad to read that you have left him! So glad! He sounds awful - angry at everything but mainly you and "says that he wants to make good use of the au pair" - well that just sums him up, doesn't it? People exist to be used, by him.

Don't even think about returning to him. His claim that "his behaviour was ok because it was motivated for concern for our daughter" is obviously bollocks. Concern for his daughter seems absolutely absent. He just is a controlling arsewipe.

And of course he is making the divorce difficult. He wants you under his thumb. Plough on, no matter how difficult he makes it, you need to be free from this horrible man. All his promises to change are just manipulation. He won't change, because he believes himself to be right.

[Soubriquet]

I’m glad you left

His behaviour definitely was not ok.

It was very controlling and had the potential to get worse as you wasn’t listening to what he was demanding of you

[Happynow001]

Hi @cocavino

Glad you are out of what sounded like a very unsafe environment - hope you are happier where are now.

Have you taken legal advice/got the divorce process started? Have you also managed to claim for any benefits you need - and also contacted CMS to claim child maintenance for your daughter?

www.entitledto.co.uk
And
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Plus if appropriate claim your 25% council tax discount. You should be able to do so online.

If you haven't already, get your mail redirected to your new address (Online) and update your details to your company HR/Payroll departments. Change all your passwords if not already done (bank account, shopping sites, etc).

Also re your Ex contacting you - do try and limit that to emails only and related to the well-being of your child wherever possible. Also consider getting a new cheaper phone and swap the SIM over so that you only check that at regular periods to suit you to reduce the times he's inside your head. The other number for use by everyone else - who need to be instructed NEVER to share your number with anyone at all, due to this ongoing onslaught from your Ex.

I hope this all works out for you. Good luck. 🌹

[YinuCeatleAyru]

Before realising that your update shows that you have already left him, I wrote: "that's horrible, controlling and abusive behaviour from this man. This is not OK and is a toxic environment for a child, which you need to protect your baby from by making an escape plan."

Really glad to hear you have already done so. Well done. Do not doubt yourself. Stay strong.

[wantmorenow]

He's a nasty piece of work and you are doing fine. As time goes on you will learn to keep the details of your life private. How you live, work and to an extent, parent is nothing to do with him now.
Many years ago a friend and neighbor left her lazy, controlling DH with her au pair. She also took in a wonderful lodger. She thrived, au pair stayed long after childcare really needed. Her career blossomed and she was unrecognisably happy in the years following divorce and did her kids.
He however, lost his job, lost former marital home and turned to smoking weed. Karma.

[Ugzbugz]

You arent seriously going to let your daughter grow up with this vile monster?

[Bemorechicken]

@hellsbellsmelons

because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me
WOW - you've bagged yourself a prize there!!! NOT!!
He sounds deranged to be honest.
Why are you with him?
He sounds vile and awful.
He IS abusive and controlling.
You know you need to get out though.
You know there is nothing right in what you have written here.
It's all so so so wrong.
Please do calls Womens Aid and have a chat with them about all of this.
They can help you to see this for what it is.
What will you say to your DD in years to come when she has a partner / husband just like this!?
Will you advise her to stay?
Put up with it?
I don't understand how you are putting up with this.
WHY????

I agree with all of the above.

[Daisychains20]

So glad I read that you have already left!!!! Please don’t go back if not for your own sake then your daughters. That is no way to live!

Think about as your daughter gets older and wants more freedom will he stop her from going out and living her life?!

You have made a huge step please carry on going forward I promise you won’t regret it! You can do it

[Arthersleep]

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Firstly, you are certainly not a neglectful mother! You have employed an au pair to ensure your child is well looked after whilst you are not there. You are currently busier than usual learning to drive so that you can become more independent and take your child out. I suspect that he doesn't like the idea of you doing something for yourself or something that increases your independence! This alone could be worrying. Why should it just fall on you or the au pair to spend more time with your child or do the cooking? Why isn't DH stepping up and spending more time with DC? If he's working from home due to Covid, presumably he could spend time with DC during his lunch time. Regardless of what he feels about the au pair, it is unforgivable and extremely cruel to call you a neglectful mother for taking driving lessons! He needs to be told how hurtful that is and made to apologize.

[LemonRabbit]

My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

He is entitled to his opinion, but if he’s not happy with job description he needs to get back in touch with agency. He could negotiate with au pair, but I’m assuming she’s young (18-20) and prob here to improve English. If au pair is following job description, He —can’t— shouldn’t bully/coerce her. Maybe you need to give her more money for added duties - if she is up for that and that’s what you want?

2. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.
He is controlling. He seems desperate to tell everyone in your house what to do, yet noone tells him what to do. Remind him you are a partnership and need to address issues together.

1. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)
   

Does he actually support you driving? You shouldn’t feel guilty/grateful for being allowed to do this. Many people have a hobby/take time to self improve. You have an au pair to help with housework/childcare.

1. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.
   

Very controlling. I like food and although it a chore, I enjoy doing the food shop. I don’t know how you feel, but you’re allowed to want to do the food shopping!

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

Neglectful mother??! Do NOT let him speak to you like that!! That is extremely hurtful and from what I can tell completely untrue. He sounds like a neglectful husband because he is demonstrating a complete lack of care/compassion/respect for you with his emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviour. (I.e. he wants you to change your behaviour so you’re no longer neglectful. F- off!!)

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?
AIBU - no, not at all.
Justification? No, but you both need to have a no blame discussion to find solutions. Can he do the food shop and the cooking? You can answer that but I think I already know the answer!!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done on getting out.
Now stay away.
You've done the hard bit.
Have a google of 'hoovering abuse'
He will try every trick in the book to get you back under his control.
The fact he still can't see any issue with his behaviour is absolute proof that he has not changed at all.
Not one little bit!
Do not take him back.
Abusers do not change.
Live your best life away from abuse.
Stop engaging with him on anything other access to the DC.
Ignore everything else.
Google 'grey rock technique'

[differentnameforthis]

Your husband is a controlling arse. No, no justification at all.

[BKCRMP]

Thank goodness you've left him. This is coercive abuse. You aren't the crazy one stand by your decision. Your daughter needs to know it's not ok.

[wantmorenow]

Upon further reflection, surely it's you who has the au pair of you have separated and live separately. How you and your au pair choose to arrange things is no longer any of his concern unless there are safeguarding issues and even then it would be for Cafcass and/or courts etc to intervene.

Please work on your confidence to tell him to keep his nose out of your household and private business. This includes how and when you shop, if you do a driving test etc. Arrange a formal contact schedule and stick to it. Discussions about anything else can go through mediation for your divorce.

It's scary and awful setting boundaries at the beginning but it gets easier and your life will be immeasurably better for it in time. He is not your friend and seems he'll bent on fucking with your head and happiness. Limit his power immediately. Lots of help and support here. X

[Twillow]

This is one where we need a lot more information to judge.
I don't think that you've left him because of this single issue - I imagine there other things that he doesn't like you doing, for instance, does he try to keep you under control generally? Is he just lazy and avoiding doing the caring? Does he generally dislike people - i.e. the au pair? Does he work as hard as he sounds he wants everyone else to?
But it sounds like you no longer trust or like him, in which case YANBU to leave him.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

So:
Where are you now? With family? Same city or further away?
Has the au pair left too and gone to another family or back to her home country?
Have you passed your driving test?

[ChavvySexPond]

I'm puzzled about how long the driving lessons seem to take but your husband sounds overly controlling OP.

You may recognise him here:

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

I'm very, very pleased to hear you have left him. It's exactly the right thing to do for both you and your daughter, he will not change.


Do not give him head space when he says things like this, only communicate when you absolutely have to and focus on getting a divorce.

Well done, you did the right thing. You will thank your younger self for being so wise one day. 💐

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

Glad you have left OP. He sounds awful and very controlling. It was very much not ok!

My exh had a similar way of seeing everyone as a resource for him to get the most out of - me (when we were together), au pairs when we had them, even grandparents. He once said to me “you don’t have time for play dates” when my dd was little.

[tiredanddangerous]

Don't go back to him op. He will only step up the controlling behaviour and you won't be safe.

[LadyofTheManners]

LTB

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

I'm glad to hear you have already left him. Even now he's still trying to gaslight ou into believing his bullshit. Don't go back OP.

[1moremum]

I see this was really you confirming his past behaviour was as bad as you thought and you have LTB.

YOU WERE RIGHT. STAY STRONG.

It wasnt about the aupair, or the driving lessons or the store. This man was trying to control you. He wants you at home, doing nothing except what he allows. Once you passed that exam and attempted to get whatever job it would allow, he would start in on you about that. That the job is too far away. Your hours too long. Your work wardrobe too (something that it isnt)_.

I am sorry he didnt show his true colours before you had a baby with him. But that is a thing abusers do, they want you to feel trapped and dependent, and they know the transitions pregnancy and a baby bring are a good time to start pushing harder in ways that i am sure you can now see he was probably doing more lightly all along. Good on you for getting out.

[Thelnebriati]

I'm so glad to hear you have left him, but its very worrying that he is still trying to control how you think of the relationship and his behaviour.

If you google 'crazy making behaviour in a relationship' there are some useful links.
www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/ten-examples-crazy-making-relationships.html

datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/sociopathic-need-for-control/gaslighting-and-crazy-making-behaviour/

www.lisaescott.com/blog/crazy-making-behavior-narcissist

[Ninkanink]

Oh goodness I was so glad to hear you’re no longer with him!

Do not pay any attention to what he says. He is deeply messed up and you are definitely not the crazy one.

Well done for leaving him, and stay strong! 💐