To think I should be able to go to the supermarket

[cocavino]

Disclaimer: this came up as a side issue in another of my threads. Have name changed for this.

Here are the main points:

1. My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

1. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.

1. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)

1. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?

[DuncinToffee]

ilikebooksandplants she has left him and is divorcing him but sadly escaping his continuing abuse is a lot harder.

Running him over and the likes have been suggested before

Keep going cocavino

[ilikebooksandplants]

OP, pass your test and drive yourself, your daughter and your au pair far far away from this idiot.

(Or run him over!)

[contrary13]

*having

Honestly, I can write cohesively. Must be the awful heat...

[contrary13]

"I know I make mistakes, but I assure everyone else that I have DD's best interests at heart at all times."

My daughter - who doesn't have children - said something this morning, which resonated with me, especially have just read your statement above, coca. EVERY parent makes mistakes. We ALL screw up from time to time. Sometimes we bury our head in the sand, and assume that others - who are merely trying to help - are attacking us. Sometimes, we charge in to "fix" things in our children's lives which... don't necessarily need our input (friend issues at school, f'example). As long as our children know they are loved, that we genuinely have - as you say - their very best interests at heart, and that if push comes to shove, we will protect them even against their other parent - it all turns out as okay as any relationship can.

I'm glad you and your little one seem to be coping a lot better. And I can assure you, that despite another poster's weird notion that she knows the intent of my posts "on the other place", I was not attacking you. I was simply frustrated because you didn't seem to be listening to anything that a LOT of us - not just me and @Catmaiden - were saying to you. But that's water under the proverbial now, I'm sure.

[crikeycrumbsblimey]

@cocavino
You brave brilliant woman - this must have been so hard xx

[bimblingonagain]

@cocavina sounds like a good plan. Fingers crossed he realises that not agreeing to your proposal is likely to cost him more in the long run, plus then you will be settled in the area you are in now.

[Catmaiden]

@cocavino, that's a great update . Best wishes with your plan, I really hope you get the outcome you want, after such a long struggle . Best wishes to you and DD. And before any of the nasty nay sayers start to snipe, I really do mean that.
Best wishes and hugs xxx

[cocavino]

@wifflewafflebiscuit This is basically a last ditch effort to save money and time. I really want to agree a settlement so my daughter and I can move to a nice place and plan to apply for schools . . . but if he won't engage, we will be applying for schools in my current lovely area (with great schools) and then he will have to deal with DD going to school there forever.

I've given him a time limit to respond to my reasonable divorce settlement proposal which I absolutely will adhere to. After that, it will go to expensive divorce proceedings. This will be difficult for me, but I'll do what's necessary to protect my and DD's interests.

As for the dispute on this thread, I really do appreciate the supportive posters who have been helping me for so long

I know I make mistakes, but I assure everyone else that I have DD's best interests at heart at all times.

[Catmaiden]

Avisemim, I reported your post and it and mine have now been deleted

[wifflewafflebiscuit]

I think that trying to negotiate with him to avoid court will cost you more in the long run. Money, time, stress, unhappiness. Let the SHL do everything. He'll just try to manipulate the whole process, gaslight you, confuse you and and do every sneaky thing he can do to "win "

[blooshoo]

I kind of agree with the partner actually. No one wants a nanny raising your kid. Even if you want it work it's still someone else having more time woth the kid than you do.

[marfisa]

Aveisenim is right. The OP was attacked on other threads. Messages were deleted by MN for violating talk guidelines.

[Livelovebehappy]

What an awful bully! Stand up to him OP - you’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. If you bow down to his demands he will only get worse.

[Cakeorchocolate]

Pleased to see you've already left him. Him trying to claim it's all out of concern for you daughter is just using her as an excuse.

Good luck going forward. I'd be tempted to go formal route for arrangements given his previous behaviour.

[Aveisenim]

@Polyxena given the number of time the OP was attacked by other posters, I can fully understand why she has reposted under a different name when she needs support due to his manipulative nature making her question herself.

@cocavino I still think it would be best go go through the court and go back to all contact being through SHL. It's honestly the only way you're going to get him to stop screwing you around. Giving him access to you always leads to him trying to mess you around and leading you to question your own reality. You are worth more and so is your DD.

Sending love and hugs your way. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need support x

[REignbow]

Court is the best place to hammer this out @cocavino.

I say this, as mediation does not work with an abuser.

I’m unsure with the reluctance in going down this route. He’s already made you believe that you were being unreasonable etc, when in fact he’s a controlling manipulative and gaslighting twat.

[DuncinToffee]

STBEXH will not be reasonable, so it will very likely end up in court. He is still taking up so much head space and remember he knows exactly how to play you.

I hope things have settled down a bit for you and DD. You are doing the right thing.

[Thislittlelady]

Erm, can’t you see what’s happening to you? Now that you’ve written it down? I recently realised something in here and I’m looking into it- not pleasant but I think you know what you need to do now..

[Happynow001]

I've obviously missed something... what's "the other place" I've seen it mentioned a few times now.

[cocavino]

The reason that we were discussing this at all is because I am desperately trying to sort out custody and the financial settlement without getting the courts involved. I have my SHL as support to ensure that I don't shortchange myself.

He's so manipulative that sometimes it throws me off balance - however, the resounding YANBU that I am getting here helps remind me that his behaviour is totally beyond the pale and I am right to put the relationship behind me.

Perhaps I will post again in the other place at some point, but it had stopped being helpful.

[Shinyletsbebadguys]

I second others , why are you discussing this with him ? You absolutely did the right thing leaving however you need to stop engaging. Step up and grey rock him now. All communication done through a solicitor or legal channels. By continuing to discuss the whys and wherefores you are continuing to be abused. Stop.

Of course engage about custody access times etc. However you have left , stop feeling into it. It isn't about being "nice" or "reasonable" it's about not drawing a line.

He is clearly intensely controlling and vile. Frankly one word of that situation from my DP I promise you he would be gone....nobody has the right to tell me what I have time for and what I don't.

Really get some therapy to manage how you respond to situations. None of this was your fault at all but it will have left you with a skewed way of handling things. Not your fault at all but it is your responsibility to get some support to sort out your thinking.

[Aveisenim]

All communication needs to be through your solicitor and solely about your DD, is there any reason it isn't? He has abused you, you would be well within your rights to report him to the police. Coercive control is illegal.