To think I should be able to go to the supermarket

[cocavino]

Disclaimer: this came up as a side issue in another of my threads. Have name changed for this.

Here are the main points:

1. My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

1. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.

1. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)

1. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?

[DomDoesWotHeWants]

You need to leave, you really do.

[IncrediblySadToo]

[quote cocavino]@Climbingallthetrees

Yes, as noted, I posted about it before. I'm convinced he is deranged, but we had a discussion about this recently where I brought these things up and he excused and justified all of his behaviour in relation to the driving lessons. The purpose of this is a sense check to confirm I'm not the crazy one.[/quote]
YOU are definitely NOT the crazy one

Even without your other thread, he stands out as a nasty, controlling, wanker.

You, DD & the Au Pair ALL need him gone.

No more discussions with him, it won't make him a decent person.

Can I ask (please feel free not to answer) but what cultural background do you both have?

It's a wonder your Au Pair hasn't told him to shove it, but she's probably worried for you & loves your DD. All 3 if you need OUT

Is there anything we can do to help?

[Greenkit]

So he doesn't want to.parent, but gets annoyed when you don't.

Tell him to get fucked and leave his controlling ass

[katy1213]

Keep the au pair. Ditch the husband who decides when/where you can have a wee.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

He sounds really abusive and it also sounds like it is getting worse. Please get some real life help.

[cocavino]

Ah, now I feel a bit bad about posting this thread.

The truth is that I have left him. He keeps trying to convince me to come back. I have refused so far, and he is trying to convince me that he wasn't abusive and we are equally to blame. This is a specific example that we discussed - he is very clear that his behaviour was ok because it was motivated for concern for our daughter.

It actually really is helpful to get outside confirmation that there is no possible way to excuse his behaviour regarding the supermarket visits. When he works on me enough, I start to think maybe I should go back because he's making the divorce so difficult and he makes all these promises to change.

[eatsleepread]

This whole post and driving thing is really bizarre, if I'm honest.

[cantstopsinginglittlebabybum]

Has your husband always been a controlling prick?

[waterproofed]

Never have I been more relieved to learn someone had LTB.

He sounds horrible - please don’t go back out of fear of him making the divorce difficult, he cannot stop you from leaving. Please don’t let him grind you down.

[howfarwevecome]

I am very relieved to read that you've left him, OP. His statements that you were neglecting your daughter are outrageous. And controlling.

And his expectations that a low paid au pair should essentially work well beyond her contracted job is also outrageous. And a bit scary, tbh.

I'm glad you've learned to drive. It will make it easier to be independent and free from his controlling behaviour.

[recklessruby]

Well done for leaving!
Dont go back.
Dont listen to excuses or promises to change. He s mad because he s lost his unpaid servant and somebody to blame for the fact he is a miserable controlling person.
Communicate only for necessary stuff, dont fall into the trap of his promises.
If your dd was 22 not 2 and in your situation what would you say to her?
Be strong.

[gigchuckedout56]

If someone told me I couldn't use the toilet because I wasn't allowed to spend 5 mins of my time having a wee they would be gone from my life. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. If this isn't the first thread you've had on this issue, sounds like you're trying to wrack your brains and other people's on here for confirmation his behaviour is justified, but you don't need to. If you're unhappy in your relationship then is it worth wasting more time with him? You say he doesn't want to spend time with his own child, she deserves better. What keeps you with him, what are your options for ending the relationship?

[gigchuckedout56]

Cross posted! Don't cave, you were unhappy, you've left. End of story, he doesn't get to decide what you do now.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

The truth is that I have left him. He keeps trying to convince me to come back. I have refused so far, and he is trying to convince me that he wasn't abusive and we are equally to blame. This is a specific example that we discussed - he is very clear that his behaviour was ok because it was motivated for concern for our daughter.

Well done for leaving - no he wasn't right in this example.

Communicate only for necessary stuff, dont fall into the trap of his promises. This sounds like good advice.

[Cherrybakewellll]

Is this going to turn into 'DH doesn't like the au pair because she won't do extras for him?'

[Beautiful3]

He sounds like a controlling bully. You should leave him. Your au pair is not responsible for shopping and cooking for the whole family. Yes she ll make snacks and food for the child, but noone else. Get your driving lessons sorted, pass your test then bin him off. Sounds like he doesnt want to look after his own child on Saturdays?!

[Mrsjayy]

You are probably wandering about clearing your head because home is frightening for you he sounds terrifying your Aupair isn't a servant but I assume they were "employed" as cheap labour and your husband wAnts his money's worth can you leave him and take your child and Aupair with you.

[Beautiful3]

Sorry just read your update. Well done for leaving him. Stay strong.

[Mrsjayy]

Ah you have already left him good for you.

[PoppySeedSaid]

My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates.

My concern is the au pair. How is your husband showing his hatred towards her? She will easily pick up on passive aggressive behaviour or micro aggressions. Have you made any attempt to protect her?

You're husband sounds like dick so don't be his enabler in this situation.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Keep going with the divorce. You and your Dd deserve much better. He’s making it difficult because he’s lost control of you, his play toys.

[LakieLady]

So glad you've LTB, OP.

He's a bullying, controlling bastard and he was gaslighting you.

[devildeepbluesea]

Well done for leaving. Now you need to stop giving him opportunities to try and wear you down. Email contact only, respond only to emails about contact with DD. All divorce business via solicitor.

[Durgasarrow]

Do you come home at 7:30, then cook dinner? Why isn't he cooking the evening meal? Something strange is going on in your house.

[PoppySeedSaid]

Just saw your update. It sounds like you have made the right decision to leave him. I hope you are doing ok and I wish you all the best.