To think I should be able to go to the supermarket

[cocavino]

Disclaimer: this came up as a side issue in another of my threads. Have name changed for this.

Here are the main points:

1. My husband and I have an au pair whom he hates. He thinks she is lazy and he has decided she should be planning and cooking all our meals even though that's not part of her job description.

1. I normally do meal planning and shopping. My husband is trying to make me stop this.

1. I have been doing driving lessons for a month across town (long story) and I have not been at home as much as would be ideal. This means I am not seeing my 2 year old quite as much as I would like. My husband is very angry with me for doing anything he views as extra (like food shopping) because he thinks I am neglecting my daughter. (I still put her to bed every night and spend part of Saturday and all day Sunday with her - plus this is a temporary situation until after my exam in 2 weeks)

1. If my husband even hears about me going into the supermarket to use the toilet after my driving lesson, he becomes extremely angry. He will menacingly say "you know that you don't have time for that." In effect, I feel that he has prohibited me from even entering a supermarket.

He says that he wants to make good use of the au pair and I am basically wasting the money we are spending on her. He says that he is justified in stopping me from food shopping and cooking because I'm such a neglectful mother now and my daughter needs me. He also says he hasn't really forbidden me from going to the supermarket because he hasn't actually said those words.

AIBU to find his behaviour weird and controlling? Is there any justification for his behaviour?

[Durgasarrow]

You need to get your driving license!

[Hoppinggreen]

OP has been posting on here for a while and although most of my sympathy has been with the poor Aupair I am very glad she has finally left
OP, your husband clearly just hates women, your daughter will become one so do your best to protect her - leaving him is a good start

[GabsAlot]

good that youve left no none of it is your fault i hope youre lessons and test went ok that will give you more freedom

sounds like hes lost control of you and doesnt like it

[woollyheart]

I used to employ a full time nanny and it was never her job to plan and make meals except for herself and the children.

I would expect an au pair to do a lot less.

Sounds like he wants to be surrounded by women constantly at his beck and call. And unable to make any decisions for themselves.

[Ginkypig]

@cocavino

Ah, now I feel a bit bad about posting this thread.

The truth is that I have left him. He keeps trying to convince me to come back. I have refused so far, and he is trying to convince me that he wasn't abusive and we are equally to blame. This is a specific example that we discussed - he is very clear that his behaviour was ok because it was motivated for concern for our daughter.

It actually really is helpful to get outside confirmation that there is no possible way to excuse his behaviour regarding the supermarket visits. When he works on me enough, I start to think maybe I should go back because he's making the divorce so difficult and he makes all these promises to change.

You have made the right decision even when he is desperately trying to convince you to come back he still won't take any responsibility for his side of things.

Ultimately it doesn't actually matter if the truth is that he believes what he is saying or even if you do because he is convincing you because the real truth is you were not happy living like that and left because of that and he is showing you now that things are going to be the same (or worse if he convinces you to change your behaviour) because as far as he is concerned he has done nothing wrong so won't change!

[Zilla1]

Presumably he'll justify any control with 'it's in our daughter's interest and out of concern for her'. Bonkers.

It sounds like he's mixing messages between 'he'll change' and 'he doesn't need to as he's not been unreasonable' and 'it's out of concern for our daughter'. He's not likely to change.

When you 'mutually' agreed to have driving lessons near the ILs, what was his rationale? BTW, any 'normal' person probably wouldn't have cared less about where their OH had lessons so was it another way to control?

Sorry to hear the divorce is being made harder. It's easy to say but compared to a lifetime of what control, even a messy divorce will probably be the easier of the two.

Good luck.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

Remember your older post. So glad that you have left.

Are you getting any support to process what you went through? Such as the Freedom Programme or a DA recover toolkit programme. It might help to strengthen your own voice so that you have more certainty for yourself.

He says he will change, but at the same time he says he was completely justified in his controlling , menacing behaviour. You have your answer right there. Sadly, he seems unlikely to change. I understand that that is hard one to accept. But unless you see clear, unequivocal evidence that he is a changed man, I wouldn't even give him a conversation.

[Bowerbird5]

The au pair can cook your daughters food but shouldn’t be planning and shopping for everyone.
Is he worried he can’t control where you are if you pass your test?

4/5 hours is a long time. Is your lesson a two hour one? I used to do two hours as we were so far from the town so I drove there and back as part of my lesson.

[Grandmi]

I am confused! If you have left him why is he still a problem with driving lessons,meal planning etc ?

[MsEllany]

Hi time to make changes was before the relationship was over. He pushed you to leaving with his unreasonableness; he doesn't get to say I didn't think you meant it now and try and force you back.

A good man and husband might be unhappy you've left and be ready to change, but a good man would realise that he has to do that before you consider going back. It's not your responsibility to monitor him and make sure he stays on track.

He sounds like a shit OP and you're better off without him.

[ReceptacleForTheRespectable]

every Saturday and also one evening a week

This really isn't that much, assuming the Saturday lesson is a normal length (an hour?). Are the driving lessons the only time you're allowed out without him?

He resents you learning to drive because it'll give you more freedom and he's a controlling bully. That's why he's clamping down like this, calling you neglectful. Do you feel safe? Are you able to leave?

[IncrediblySadToo]

@Climbingallthetrees

I don’t know why you keep reposting. He’s abusive to you and the au pair. Everyone tells you the same thing every time. If you’re not ready to leave him, seek counselling and try to get yourself to a place where you are.

It's uncalled for to deter people from posting.

Posting and getting similar replies helps confirm to an OP that HE is the problem. It's not always easy to 'take action', but ongoing support and confirmation can help someone accept it over time.

Your other comments are right & helpful, but it takes people time to get to the point where they can accept that.

If you don't want to help again, that's totally fine, but posting comments like that can deter people asking for help from those of us willing to give it.

[IncrediblySadToo]

@cocavino

Ah, now I feel a bit bad about posting this thread.

The truth is that I have left him. He keeps trying to convince me to come back. I have refused so far, and he is trying to convince me that he wasn't abusive and we are equally to blame. This is a specific example that we discussed - he is very clear that his behaviour was ok because it was motivated for concern for our daughter.

It actually really is helpful to get outside confirmation that there is no possible way to excuse his behaviour regarding the supermarket visits. When he works on me enough, I start to think maybe I should go back because he's making the divorce so difficult and he makes all these promises to change.

Don't feel bad about posting. Some people don't quite understand how this type of thing can really mess with your head & you need to hear it again & again that you're not wrong. That he's manipulating you!!

The only thing I'd ask is that you post about what's actually happening. So don't make it sound like you're still there when you've actually left. You'll still get support, but it'll be more relevant!

You have done VERY well to have left him. Very well 🌷

Other than him trying to get you back and you wobbling, how are you doing? Where are you living? What happened to your AP?

I'm pleased for you that you're out - now you need to stay out! He's a nasty, manipulative, controlling arse and no matter what he SAYS that's who he IS

DONT let him talk you around. You've done the hard bit. If you go back things will be even worse!!!

Stay strong & keep asking for the help you need from MN!

Have you tried to get some counselling?

[cocavino]

@Grandmi this all took place in the past. He's now trying to convince me that his behaviour then was ok.

[DuncinToffee]

You are divorcing him for all the right reasons, including not being allowed to do the shopping, cooking.
The only communication you should be having with him is about DD.

Stop discussing your relationship with him, he just wants to win.
Grey rock.

[BoggledBudgie]

@cocavino He's now trying to convince me that his behaviour then was ok. it wasn’t. Don’t go back.

[Justaboy]

Right one there ! suppose look on the bright side at least if he hated the au-pair he wasn't carrying on with her!

[overacupcoffee]

My theory is of the gut instinct is it is not right
Then it is not right
How does he know when you go for a pee?!
Ask for a plastic bottle and hand him it full of urine Please!!
How and why do women become to let this be ok ever

[Queenoftheashes]

Has the au pair left too?
He sounds dreadful. To echo pps you have done the right thing. Don’t be manipulated into going back. He sounds scarily controlling.

[FatCatThinCat]

Do not go back. His behaviour isn't just not normal, it's frightening.

[Eddielzzard]

Thank god you've left. Trying to control your every movement is really abusive. Hold strong.

[DotForShort]

There is obviously a backstory here that some PPs are aware of. On the face of it, the situation sounds very odd and your DH (ex?) seems controlling and unreasonable. But if you have left, why do you care about his interpretation of past events?

[makingmammaries]

No, you should not go back to him.

But there is some other weird stuff here. Why would you need to have driving lessons near his parents’ house, whether by mutual agreement or not? Normally the lesson starts and ends at your house - inflating a one-hour lesson into 5 hours is decidedly weird.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

this all took place in the past. He's now trying to convince me that his behaviour then was ok

You don’t need to be drawn in by these statements.

You can ignore them. A cheery ‘thanks for your input’ or ‘Thanks, I’ll bare that in mind’ or my favourite ‘I’ll have a think about that and come back to you’ keep it short sweet and ignore.

[Soubriquet]

Run

Run quickly

He is showing what he’s like. Listen and get you and your daughter out of there