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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hateful child. Is it my fault? Most likely it is.

84 replies

CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 19:51

My 11yo DS is one of these "soft" boys who gets pushed around and picked on. Recently he said he wanted to murder those other kids. I didn't pay much attention earlier, but he said that recently about family friends. It really scares me.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 02/08/2020 19:55

I think it's quite normal and not your fault. Kids just sound off and push boundaries. They are dealing with unusual and emotional times. I would have a chat about why he said it and why it's not appropriate.

hulahoopqueen · 02/08/2020 19:55

I’m sorry you feel this way, this must be really hard. I would suggest maybe encourage him to engage in different activities (difficult in lockdown I know!) - something like Judo or martial arts where he can build physical and mental strength, as well as maybe making new friends

missyB1 · 02/08/2020 19:56

Hateful??? That’s an appalling thing to call your child! He sounds angry because he gets pushed around and picked on. I don’t blame him I’d be angry too! I suspect he has low self esteem and that’s why he’s a target. What have you done over the years to address this? Apart from calling him hateful...

SecretWitch · 02/08/2020 19:57

I am thinking your son is very angry and hurt over being bullied. He may be lashing out with words as he otherwise feels powerless. What he is saying is not acceptable but may be understandable given his feelings.

When my 12 yr old is feeling very hurt she often says very awful things. I wait until she is calm and in a comfortable place and try to make sense of what she is experiencing. We also have an excellent therapist as we believed she needed some outside support to cope with her emotions.

My heart goes out to you both💐

Magnificentbeast · 02/08/2020 19:57

Have you tried getting him to expand on his feelings? It sounds as if there is some pent up emotions that he needs to release safely.

Maybe give him some one to one time to talk about the feelings behind what he's saying. Or at least let him know that he can if he wants to.

Rossita · 02/08/2020 19:57

So you ds is getting picked on, says that he wants to kill the kids that are doing it, and you describe him as hateful. His response seems entirely reasonable to me.

SummerHouse · 02/08/2020 19:58

Hateful??? That’s an appalling thing to call your child!

I think the op just means full of hate.

megletthesecond · 02/08/2020 19:58

I think calling him a "softboy" is more hateful tbh.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 02/08/2020 19:59

You didn't pay much attention (to what? The bullying? The previous expressions of anger? Something else?) And now he's hateful, apparently. Bit of a leap. Sounds like he doesn't feel very supported.

GazingAndGrazing · 02/08/2020 19:59

He is only 11 and dealing with so many new routes of reacting plus hormones... icky age

keepingbees · 02/08/2020 19:59

He's not hateful. He sounds angry, which is understandable if he's been pushed around and picked on! Have you spoken to him about how he feels? Maybe he needs some support.

LongPauseNoReply · 02/08/2020 20:00

“Soft” Hmm are you feeding into the toxic masculinity paradigm that all boys should be hard? Do you allow him to talk about his feelings? Is he allowed to cry? He clearly needs an emotional outlet. Calling him hateful isn’t great OP

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 20:00

I feel it's my fault for being too lax about violent content in the house. And a bombshell... I did feel exactly this way at his age. I didn't murder anyone, but its extremely upsetting a child would feel this way

OP posts:
Gobbycop · 02/08/2020 20:02

Get him down the boxing gym.

FourTeaFallOut · 02/08/2020 20:02

I think you are taking him far too literally. He feels vulnerable and he wants have more control. I think I would just say that you understand how frustrating he is and reword it for him to give him that wish fulfillment in a more acceptable way - "Yes, it would be good if could go about your day without them making you feel bad". Will he be moving to secondary in September or is he a young year 7?

Waytoomuch82 · 02/08/2020 20:05

My 14 year old said similar at that age

He was being badly bullied and he felt quite desolate.

We moved him, no bullies, and he recovered wonderfully

missyB1 · 02/08/2020 20:05

He needs his self esteem building up. You need to convince him that you believe in him and he should believe in himself. Find things he enjoys and can be brilliant at and praise him. This isn’t about violent films / games (although you do need to rein that in). This about him feeling shit about himself and that makes him angry.

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 20:06

He's totally allowed and appreciated for being soft. He loves animals. He loves music and art.
The bullying I always address because he's the one getting in trouble for fighting, when he stands up for himself.
The talk about sticking knives in people disturbs me.

OP posts:
OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 02/08/2020 20:14

He is being bullied and he feels powerless and humiliated. Life feels very, very unfair to him at the moment and he doesn't have sufficient maturity to process his anger in an acceptable way.

You need to stop the bullying (even if it means moving schools). Then concentrate on building up his self-esteem and interpersonal skills. Remind him also that violence is always wrong and maybe read some material together about the consequences of carrying knives and knife crime (although I wouldn't go overboard with this).

Kaiserin · 02/08/2020 20:19

You don't sound very nice to him OP, so yes, probably partly your fault, sorry.
How about being supportive, not victim blame him, and help him talk through his feelings? Poor lad.

Kaiserin · 02/08/2020 20:20

Sorry, didn't see last post. Get him some help, he's suffering.

LovingLola · 02/08/2020 20:21

I feel it's my fault for being too lax about violent content in the house

Do you mean online gaming?
How did you support him when he was being bullied?

Original poster
CatsArePeopleToo · 02/08/2020 20:22

Feelings we talk about. That's where this came from...

A few years ago I gave him some violent games to play as an outlet. They seem helpful and relaxing, but maybe a totally bad choice? Now it would be unfair to take them away.

OP posts:
Junenamechange · 02/08/2020 20:25

@CatsArePeopleToo

Feelings we talk about. That's where this came from...

A few years ago I gave him some violent games to play as an outlet. They seem helpful and relaxing, but maybe a totally bad choice? Now it would be unfair to take them away.

What? This must be a wind up.
OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 02/08/2020 20:25

A few years ago I gave him some violent games to play as an outlet. They seem helpful and relaxing, but maybe a totally bad choice? Now it would be unfair to take them away.

Why don't you ask him if he thinks they're helping him, given what he's been saying to you?